WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Cornell’s very own government, the Student Assembly, has struggled to gain legitimacy with a student body that refuses to take the legislature seriously. As such, the group has taken steps to legitimize themselves as real politicians, such as falsifying tax documents, taking sudden hospital visits, and slurring their words during press conferences.
“Cornell is a University of people… who… people and bright students towards our futuremnsgrh,” proclaimed President Christopher Garcia ‘25, moments before coughing up a cloud of brown dust. “As Ezra Cornell himself said, ‘Any penson, amy stufy’ …… “
Moments before collapsing to the ground, Garcia spat out both of his withering front teeth. As of yesterday, the current president has already submitted his reelection bid and is forecasted to win.
Other Student Assembly members have used similar techniques to gain legitimacy such as Mariah Davenport ‘26, who has insisted on using a wheelchair for the remainder of the semester despite her ability to walk. Sasha Brown ‘25 has also gotten in on the action, pretending to be dead during a Wednesday special meeting.
She declined a request to comment, but Student Assembly officials assured reporters that literally being dead is not a valid reason for resignation and that Brown will be “running again for the next 60 years.”
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