Area Student Explains ILR Major in Only 97 Words, Shattering Former Record

CARPENTER HALL—Mechanical Engineering student Jon Morrison ‘21 has shattered all previous recorded attempts to describe the undergraduate major in “Industrial and Labor Relations” by explaining it in under 100 words. In an email sent to his younger cousin considering applying to ILR, Morrison outlined the various aspects of the universally Read More

UPDATE: Student Didn’t Spend Entirety of Fall Break on Shortline Bus, Because Shortline Sent Us Cease and Desist

Update: In response to receiving a cease and desist letter from Coach USA’s assistant general counsel demanding CU Nooz remove the “libelous article concerning Shortline’s bus services as well as libelous comments attributed to representatives of Shortline”, this article has been updated to reflect that the student did not, in Read More

Martha Pollack Clarifies Fall Break Only Meant for Haircuts

DAY HALL—In a Friday morning press conference, University President Martha Pollack addressed the student body to reaffirm that the intended purpose of Fall Break is for students to go back home to get a haircut. “I’ve overheard students discussing plans to take trips to Montréal, visit friends at other colleges, Read More

Inflammatory Bowel Research Center Full of Shit

WEILL COLLEGE OF MEDICINE — A steaming report by the university’s Office of Research Integrity and Assurance found that the Jill Roberts Center for Inflammatory Bowel Disease has been spewing crap for years. “We knew something stank in that institute,” said Juliet McCaughlin, Cornell’s ethics investigator. “As it turns out, Read More

Roommate With Car Cannot, In Fact, “Drive You Whenever”

BECKER HOUSE—Betty Keepler ‘22 considered herself lucky when her roommate Gloria Powell ‘22 informed her of her plans to drive her older sister’s compact SUV cross-country for the 2019-2020 school year. “She offered to drive me to my therapy appointments in Collegetown, which was super nice of her,” said Keepler Read More

Senior Football Players Throw Game to Give Classmates ‘Authentic Homecoming Experience’

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—In a closed door meeting last Thursday prior to Cornell Football’s 8-14 homecoming loss to Georgetown, several of the team’s seniors hatched a plan to lose the game on purpose.  “This is our last chance to play a homecoming football game in front of our classmates,” said Cornerback Erik Read More

Student Enters Sixth Hour of Waiting to be let into 2nd Floor of Trillium

KENNEDY HALL—Citing her exasperation at no one making enough eye contact for her to silently mime an opening motion before being let through the one-way door, Katherine Ochona, ’21, has reportedly spent the last 6 hours orbiting the 2nd floor door between Kennedy Hall and Trillium.  “I was just leaving Read More

Waffle Frolic Owner at Apple Fest Slips on Amish Bonnet in Attempt to Justify Higher Prices

THE COMMONS—After he saw 20-minutes lines for Apple Fest-goers to pay $2 for a single apple cider donut made by members of a local Amish community this past weekend, owner of local restaurant Waffle Frolic Johnny Clotter was observed putting on an Amish-style bonnet in hopes that the aesthetic would Read More