Out of Retirement Kathy Zoner Spotted Wrangling, Powerslamming Giant Coronavirus on Arts Quad

ARTS QUAD—Well-rested and ready to tackle any threat to the safety of Cornell students, former Cornell Police Chief Kathy Zoner was witnessed wrestling with an anthropomorphic coronavirus in front of Goldwin Smith Hall.  “It looks like Zoner was using a combination of Judo and Jiu Jitsu,” said bystander DeAndre Williams Read More

SA Elections Rocked by Controversy in Transparent Attempt to Emulate Real-Life Democracy

Photo credit: Annie Wang/Sun File Photo via Cornell Daily Sun
Photo credit: Annie Wang/Sun File Photo via Cornell Daily Sun

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—While some attribute the mismanaged Student Assembly election and subsequent re-vote to sheer ineptitude, many critics have identified the undergraduate governing body’s utter ballot-bungling as an attempt to replicate the workings of real-life democracy. In a nine-paragraph essay published to the Cornell Subreddit, election-truther George Blast ‘21 levied Read More

OP-ED: What Does it Mean That My Zoom Crush Made His Bed Today?

Ok guys, here’s the dilemma: today, during my 3:05 Macro Econ class, I noticed Josh’s navy comforter wasn’t crumpled and strewn across his bed like usual. The day was going so well – I had found the good lighting and my best angle before joining the zoom call and pinning Read More

Modern Day Lewis and Clark? Adventurous Student Embarks on Expedition to Olin Library

OLIN LIBRARY— Despite the abject horror of his roommates, self-proclaimed COVID-Scout William Yates ‘23 bravely and daringly trekked from his apartment in collegetown into the wilds of Olin Library. “When we were laying down the ground rules for our behavior this semester, we agreed to only to leave the apartment Read More

Pollack Won’t Commit to Peaceful Transition to Online Learning if Cuomo Declares Shutdown

DAY HALL—In a press conference this Tuesday, University President Martha Pollack refused to guarantee a peaceful shutdown of in-person learning if Governor Andrew Cuomo says COVID cases exceed the maximum limit.  “Well, we’ll have to see what happens,” said a defiant Pollack. “You know, I always say there’s a problem Read More

OP-ED: How Can Cornell Provide Tampons for People Who Menstruate Without Providing Skateparks for People Who Shred Gnar?

Cornell has always been a trailblazer, and I must start by commending the university, which  began admitting women in 1872, only seven years after its founding. Since its inception, Cornell has been at the forefront of the struggle for the equality of people who mensturate, and can finally say it Read More

Pollack Sends Draft of Campus-Wide Email to Admin Groupchat to Check “If It Looks Okay”

DAY HALL—Cornell University President and former linguistics major Martha Pollack hit up the groupchat composed of Cornell’s most high-profile administrators to check her spelling on the latest solemn missive to the campus community and “make sure the vibes aren’t off.” “It was like 1am, and all of a sudden I Read More

OP-ED: These Bitch Ass Bees Keep Bothering Me While I Try to Eat

COLLEGETOWN BAGELS—Let me begin by establishing that I’m normally extremely easygoing. A friend is running late to a meetup? I understand. Got rejected from my dream job? Things happen. Nothing, however, has tested my patience as much as those buzzy little shits that refuse to stay away from my latest Read More