Study Finds Rich Students’ Excessively Large Puffers Actually Courtship Display

BEBE LAKE—As winter approaches, many creatures encounter difficulty securing a mate for the season—Cornell students included. A new study from the Cornell Behavioral Ecology Department investigated the mate-seeking strategy of the highly elusive (and highly exclusive) Spoiled bratae, colloquially known as rich students. 

“I was thrilled to be invited to Cornell to complete my research because of the unparalleled opportunities here,” said Head Researcher Angelina Gao. “Where else in the world can you find so many unreasonably wealthy students to study all in one place?”

The study detailed the specifics of the mating ritual, wherein a rich student in heat will brandish their engorged puffer jacket in the direction of a potential mate. The mate, if impressed by the immense girth and designer label of the presenting puffer, will display their own puffer to accept the sexual proposition. This complex dance, however intriguing, is not to be interfered with, cautioned Gao.

“The rich students can get quite aggressive when aroused,” she explained. “For example, should the presenting student’s puffer be discovered to have a faux designer label, the propositioned student will tear the offending jacket to shreds, stuffing the fluff into their own puffer and leaving the unsuccessful mate to hemorrhage feathers on the sidewalk.” 

Gao expressed her excitement for continuing her research at Cornell in the future, her next project aiming to study the migratory patterns of rich students as they fly to the south of France each winter.

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