Student Hits Rock Bottom Somewhere Between Start and End of Okenshields Staircase

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Though there exist a multitude of excellent places across campus to have an emotional crisis, Sid Lathe ‘24 reached his own mental breaking point while descending down into Okenshields. Though the brief foreboding feelings of doom that accompany any trip down these particular stairs were not unfamiliar to Lathe, the accompanying sense of immovable despair was an unwelcome surprise.

“I knew that once I reached the bottom of the stairs, I could sink no lower,” said Lathe. “Once I walked through those doors and scanned my GET App, that infernal beep would condemn me. A sad meal for a sad man,” continued Lathe, describing the available food offerings. “Though I had spent the beginning of the day quite worried about a number of things, I realized that there was simply nowhere worse I could go than where I already was.”

Lathe’s misery was not soon rectified, as his numerous fears about visiting the hope-consuming eatery each came to pass: no rice at the wok station, no open seats, and an overwhelming certainty that he would never amount to anything at all. Though the day’s grilled fish special did fill his empty stomach, it was not able to fill the emptiness within his soul.

“I prayed that I might never finish my descent,” recounted Lathe, “I hoped that the parable of Achilles and the tortoise would hold true, preventing me from ever reaching my wretched destination. But it was a false hope, for I knew that I had already transgressed too far by taking those first steps.”

Due to Okenshield’s distant and somber atmosphere discouraging any intermingling between diners, Lathe was left tragically unaware that the same exact thing had happened to roughly half the students in attendance.