Student Hits Rock Bottom Somewhere Between Start and End of Okenshields Staircase

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Though there exist a multitude of excellent places across campus to have an emotional crisis, Sid Lathe ‘24 reached his own mental breaking point while descending down into Okenshields. Though the brief foreboding feelings of doom that accompany any trip down these particular stairs were not unfamiliar to Lathe, the accompanying sense of immovable despair was an unwelcome surprise.

“I knew that once I reached the bottom of the stairs, I could sink no lower,” said Lathe. “Once I walked through those doors and scanned my GET App, that infernal beep would condemn me. A sad meal for a sad man,” continued Lathe, describing the available food offerings. “Though I had spent the beginning of the day quite worried about a number of things, I realized that there was simply nowhere worse I could go than where I already was.”

Lathe’s misery was not soon rectified, as his numerous fears about visiting the hope-consuming eatery each came to pass: no rice at the wok station, no open seats, and an overwhelming certainty that he would never amount to anything at all. Though the day’s grilled fish special did fill his empty stomach, it was not able to fill the emptiness within his soul.

“I prayed that I might never finish my descent,” recounted Lathe, “I hoped that the parable of Achilles and the tortoise would hold true, preventing me from ever reaching my wretched destination. But it was a false hope, for I knew that I had already transgressed too far by taking those first steps.”

Due to Okenshield’s distant and somber atmosphere discouraging any intermingling between diners, Lathe was left tragically unaware that the same exact thing had happened to roughly half the students in attendance.

OP-ED: My Hand Brushed Against Another Student’s In Okenshields, Should I Get Married Or Contact Traced?

OKENSHIELDS 一 Let me paint you a picture. There I am, alone, in Okenshields on a Tuesday night, preparing for a hearty meal in the line for stir fry and rice. My mind is wholly on food, and I am ravenous. My plan, executed to perfection numerous times hence, is to grab my meal, retreat to the safety of my table in the corner, eat, and leave. Alas, God sees the plans of man and laughs. Reaching out for the spoon to scoop my jasmine rice, another hand brushes up against my own, in a soft, warm caress that sends shivers down my spine. Thoughts spiral through my head of marriage and growing old together with this stranger. Yet I hear a cough at the same time, from the same general direction of the caress. I am now racked with a crisis of conscience: should my next move be to profess my love for this soft-handed seductress or procure a supplemental test at the earliest opportunity?


My gut instinct is to follow the former course of action. After all, how many true opportunities for love are we granted in one lifetime, and what man can afford to let them slide? You must understand that I have not felt the touch of a woman in many months, and that as the pandemic falls under control, I am tempted to reenter the romantic scene in person. I cannot abide another year filing out the Perfect Match survey only to discover a lack of chemistry in person. So on these rare occasions I must seize my chance and make my feelings known, right?


On the other hand, a positive COVID test could harm this and any future opportunities for courtship. What if, in avoiding the dangers of disease, I miss another chance down the line? What if I get more people sick and settle for someone not right for me? What if this relationship leads to disaster in such a way that I may never love again? As with the ripples of a leaf on the surface of a lake, one can never fully anticipate the consequences of unintended action, nor can man truly count himself a master of his own fate.


As I consider, in thorough detail, how to make my next move, I feel the glare of my peers, and look up into the piercing, emerald-green eyes of my potential lover. “Dude, you’re holding up the line,” she says, grasping the rice spoon. I walk away dejected, riceless, selecting my appointment on DailyCheck. Fate has once more conspired against me, and I was but a hapless spectator to the machinations of love.

Traces of Protein Discovered in Okenshields Chicken Stir Fry

OKENSHIELDS—An analysis released Tuesday found that scant traces of protein exist in the chicken stir fry served at Okenshields.

“We believe the protein compounds discovered in the sample are of avian origin, perhaps chicken.” said Food Science Lab Director Hans Kuiken. “However, we can’t determine the precise composition of the proteins due to their relative scarcity.”

It has long been rumored among students that the chicken stir fry contains meat, but Cornell Dining has repeatedly dismissed this as university folklore.

Executive Chef Joshua Miller released a statement following the incident: “At Okenshields, it is our number one priority to ensure that all stir fries are free of nutritional value, and this most recent incident is not to the standards of Cornell Dining. We can say with confidence that the parties who allowed the meat to come in contact with the stir fry have been terminated.”

Rumors continue to circulate about the presence of other edible foods in the E. Coli & Salmonella casseroles.

Okenshields Employees Unsure How to Handle Everybody Crying Into Their Salads

OKENSHIELDS – Citing multiple instances of muffled sobbing, exasperated gasps, and flat out bawling, Okenshields employees are reportedly unsure how to deal with most patrons crying directly into their make-your-own salads.

“Um, I mean I just kind of refill the spinach when it gets pretty low, but I feel like I should definitely be doing something about all of this very obvious weeping,” said student worker Michaela Deangelo ’18, who pointed out that the apparent sounds of snuffling and the sight of tear-filled eyes was quite concerning but ultimately inconsolable. “Do I say ‘sorry’? Do I just keep standing here? If anybody has any advice, that’d be great.”

Other dining halls on campus were reportedly having similar problems, with cases of loud yelling at the Trillium cashiers and blatant vomiting all over the RPCC grill station.

Happy Dave Announces 2016 Presidential Candidacy

OKENSHIELDS — Earlier today, David “Happy Dave” Sepulveda, beloved card-swiper and greeter, announced his candidacy in the 2016 presidential election with massive support from Cornell Dining and the greater Okenshields community.

“The American people need a carefree, cheerful leader to lift their spirits and get them back on track, and I believe I’m just the guy!” said Dave, glowing with excitement.

Cornell’s jubilant candidate has already tackled main agenda topics such as illegal immigration with his policy of deporting students who attempt to sneak into the dining hall without swiping.

“I want to build a wall,” declared Dave. “I think we can all agree that an Okenshields without laws or borders is not the Okenshields this country needs. Internal security is of the utmost importance, so we must stop whomever is sending these criminals across our border to eat all the Asian food the dining staff of America has prepared.”

After his press conference, Happy Dave rushed to the Engineering Quad to kick off the widely-anticipated campaign tour, his confidence boosted by reports showing he has already surpassed fellow candidate Jeb Bush in the latest CNBC polls.