Traces of Protein Discovered in Okenshields Chicken Stir Fry

OKENSHIELDS—An analysis released Tuesday found that scant traces of protein exist in the chicken stir fry served at Okenshields.

“We believe the protein compounds discovered in the sample are of avian origin, perhaps chicken.” said Food Science Lab Director Hans Kuiken. “However, we can’t determine the precise composition of the proteins due to their relative scarcity.”

It has long been rumored among students that the chicken stir fry contains meat, but Cornell Dining has repeatedly dismissed this as university folklore.

Executive Chef Joshua Miller released a statement following the incident: “At Okenshields, it is our number one priority to ensure that all stir fries are free of nutritional value, and this most recent incident is not to the standards of Cornell Dining. We can say with confidence that the parties who allowed the meat to come in contact with the stir fry have been terminated.”

Rumors continue to circulate about the presence of other edible foods in the E. Coli & Salmonella casseroles.

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