Nooz Staff September 9, 2019

Freshman Who Thinks He’s Cool for Having 20 AP Credits Still Can’t Place Out of Being Lonely

LOW RISE 6—Although Evan Hammond ‘23 arrived at Cornell with enough AP credits to skip most of his basic engineering requirements, his high school efforts still haven’t been enough to alleviate the all-consuming loneliness he has felt the past two weeks.

“All my hard work in high school really paid off,” said Hammond, who spent this past Friday night scrolling through his Facebook feed and writing drafts of an /r/cornell post about his loneliness. “I don’t have to take single-variable calculus, or physics—what more could I want?”

Hammond told his parents last Thursday that he feels “well-prepared,” conspicuously not mentioning his unpreparedness to suddenly move to a new environment with no close friends.

“I love that I can spend my day attending upper-level classes, and almost none of the people who look like they’re sitting with their new pals in RPCC can say that,” he later stated.

As of press time, Hammond is telling himself not to worry because academics come before social life, knowing full-well that within a day the self-doubting thoughts of crushing isolation will return.

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