OKENSHIELDS – Citing multiple instances of muffled sobbing, exasperated gasps, and flat out bawling, Okenshields employees are reportedly unsure how to deal with most patrons crying directly into their make-your-own salads.
“Um, I mean I just kind of refill the spinach when it gets pretty low, but I feel like I should definitely be doing something about all of this very obvious weeping,” said student worker Michaela Deangelo ’18, who pointed out that the apparent sounds of snuffling and the sight of tear-filled eyes was quite concerning but ultimately inconsolable. “Do I say ‘sorry’? Do I just keep standing here? If anybody has any advice, that’d be great.”
Other dining halls on campus were reportedly having similar problems, with cases of loud yelling at the Trillium cashiers and blatant vomiting all over the RPCC grill station.