Ithaca Landlords Agree to Rent Freeze After Realizing “We Are All Tenants on this Beautiful Planet Called Earth”

COLLEGETOWN—In a public broadcast delivered via megaphone from the roof of Ithaca Renting Company, representatives of the Lambrou, Avramis, and O’Connor apartments announced their stunning support for a Collegetown rent freeze, after coming to the realization that “We are all tenants on this beautiful planet called Earth.”

“We have, all of us, been led astray for too long,” said a representative of 312 College Avenue. “For at our core, we are all tenants of this special rock we call home, this Pale Blue Dot.” The congregation of visibly reverent landlords continued to remind onlookers that “Every sunrise, every flower, every flake of falling snow, is a gift from mother Earth, who all of us were so very wrong to ever think we could ‘own.’”

The leaders of Collegetown’s primary rental offices apparently came to the realization during a recent Landlord Association of Tompkins County meeting, when a screening of “Resisting the Residents: How To Avoid Pesky Renter Requests” was mistakenly replaced with “The Lorax.” The film’s powerful message of the importance and sanctity of nature quickly won over the assembled landlords, causing local landlord Bill Avramis to shed one solemn, solitary tear. 

The landlords also announced that “they’d be sending someone over to install solar panels on the roofs of all properties,” but failed to provide a comment on whether there’d be any update on fixing the washing machines that have been busted for the last two weeks. 

Svante Myrick Starting to Have Strange, New Feelings

CITY HALL – This morning, during a brief conference with the local press, Ithaca officials revealed that Svante Myrick has started noticing changes in his body, voice, and temperament which, they stressed, are entirely natural and normal for someone his age. Myrick, one of the youngest mayors in US history, seemed concerned yet optimistic at the fact that these are transitions everyone goes through, and are a part of becoming an adult.

“I appreciated being told about these changes”, said a voice-cracking Myrick during a Q&A session following the press brief, “at first I was, like, embarrassed, but I’m glad to know these things are natural, and I’m not a freak.”

The announcement came after a string of controversial decisions by Myrick, including raising his bedtime to 10PM,  putting fire decals on all city-owned vehicles, and moving Samantha the newly-hired city comptroller next to his office.

“I’ve been dreading this talk for a while” said Myrick’s flustered yet visibly relieved mother, “he seemed to really listen, and I made sure to tell him he should come to me if he has any questions.”

Sources report that though Myrick is starting to mature, he insists he’ll still continue watching Spongebob forever.