Study Finds Rich Students’ Excessively Large Puffers Actually Courtship Display

BEBE LAKE—As winter approaches, many creatures encounter difficulty securing a mate for the season—Cornell students included. A new study from the Cornell Behavioral Ecology Department investigated the mate-seeking strategy of the highly elusive (and highly exclusive) Spoiled bratae, colloquially known as rich students. 

“I was thrilled to be invited to Cornell to complete my research because of the unparalleled opportunities here,” said Head Researcher Angelina Gao. “Where else in the world can you find so many unreasonably wealthy students to study all in one place?”

The study detailed the specifics of the mating ritual, wherein a rich student in heat will brandish their engorged puffer jacket in the direction of a potential mate. The mate, if impressed by the immense girth and designer label of the presenting puffer, will display their own puffer to accept the sexual proposition. This complex dance, however intriguing, is not to be interfered with, cautioned Gao.

“The rich students can get quite aggressive when aroused,” she explained. “For example, should the presenting student’s puffer be discovered to have a faux designer label, the propositioned student will tear the offending jacket to shreds, stuffing the fluff into their own puffer and leaving the unsuccessful mate to hemorrhage feathers on the sidewalk.” 

Gao expressed her excitement for continuing her research at Cornell in the future, her next project aiming to study the migratory patterns of rich students as they fly to the south of France each winter.

Ithaca Landlords Agree to Rent Freeze After Realizing “We Are All Tenants on this Beautiful Planet Called Earth”

COLLEGETOWN—In a public broadcast delivered via megaphone from the roof of Ithaca Renting Company, representatives of the Lambrou, Avramis, and O’Connor apartments announced their stunning support for a Collegetown rent freeze, after coming to the realization that “We are all tenants on this beautiful planet called Earth.”

“We have, all of us, been led astray for too long,” said a representative of 312 College Avenue. “For at our core, we are all tenants of this special rock we call home, this Pale Blue Dot.” The congregation of visibly reverent landlords continued to remind onlookers that “Every sunrise, every flower, every flake of falling snow, is a gift from mother Earth, who all of us were so very wrong to ever think we could ‘own.’”

The leaders of Collegetown’s primary rental offices apparently came to the realization during a recent Landlord Association of Tompkins County meeting, when a screening of “Resisting the Residents: How To Avoid Pesky Renter Requests” was mistakenly replaced with “The Lorax.” The film’s powerful message of the importance and sanctity of nature quickly won over the assembled landlords, causing local landlord Bill Avramis to shed one solemn, solitary tear. 

The landlords also announced that “they’d be sending someone over to install solar panels on the roofs of all properties,” but failed to provide a comment on whether there’d be any update on fixing the washing machines that have been busted for the last two weeks. 

Svante Myrick Starting to Have Strange, New Feelings

CITY HALL – This morning, during a brief conference with the local press, Ithaca officials revealed that Svante Myrick has started noticing changes in his body, voice, and temperament which, they stressed, are entirely natural and normal for someone his age. Myrick, one of the youngest mayors in US history, seemed concerned yet optimistic at the fact that these are transitions everyone goes through, and are a part of becoming an adult.

“I appreciated being told about these changes”, said a voice-cracking Myrick during a Q&A session following the press brief, “at first I was, like, embarrassed, but I’m glad to know these things are natural, and I’m not a freak.”

The announcement came after a string of controversial decisions by Myrick, including raising his bedtime to 10PM,  putting fire decals on all city-owned vehicles, and moving Samantha the newly-hired city comptroller next to his office.

“I’ve been dreading this talk for a while” said Myrick’s flustered yet visibly relieved mother, “he seemed to really listen, and I made sure to tell him he should come to me if he has any questions.”

Sources report that though Myrick is starting to mature, he insists he’ll still continue watching Spongebob forever.