Fashion Major Stressed The Fuck Out About Zipper Final

MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—With one day left to study, fashion design student Jennifer Suh ‘24 is freaking the hell out over her impending final with a daunting subject: Zippers.

“I don’t know what the fuck I am going to do,” explained an exasperated Suh. “There is so much I have to shove inside my head right now. I can’t remember which goddamn zipper tooth is the beginning of the zipper, fuck…is it right or left? I do know that the zipper was invented by Whitcomb L. Judson and Gideon Sundback, those fucking wet sorry sacks of fuck are the reason I have to know all this horseshit. And oh my god… My final project is such a mess. It won’t even zip! I am going to crap myself.”

The final exam is a culmination of FSAD 4500: Fasteners and Haberdasheries II, a class that focuses on the different items used to clasp together various kinds of clothing. The breadth of the course is wide, including the historical origins and methods of application of: buttons on coats, buttons on pants, large buttons on coats, large buttons on pants, snap buttons on coats, snap buttons on pants, laces on boots, laces on coats, velcro on sneakers, velcro on coats, and of course, zippers on coats, zippers on pants, zippers on shirts, and zippers on bags.

In an act of desperation, Suh has decided to cut out the zipper from her own pants to present as her final project. Unfortunately, and unbeknownst to her, 23 students have received academic integrity violations doing just that, 15 of whom have been expelled.

Area Nudist Has Change of Heart After Cornell Fashion Show

Photo from the Cornell Daily Sun

BARTON HALL—After a turbulent runway performance from the Cornell Fashion Collective’s talented designers, local Ithaca nudist Trevor Climpman found himself having a change of heart about his decision to abandon all forms of clothing.

“The outfits were just so beautiful that it made me want to not have my dick out all the time,” said a teary-eyed Climpman. “Don’t get me wrong, I love just flashing my ass to every living soul in sight, but that outfit at the end? Man, I would throw away all the years of free-hanging balls for just a couple seconds in that beautiful garb.” Climpman then went on to cup his testes in an attempt to get used to living without his previous liberty.

“I really don’t think you guys understand how big the testicles thing is for me. I’ve been letting these descended bad-boys sway freely for years. This is gonna take some getting used to.”

When reached to for comment, the CFC was busy frantically washing all of their club’s seats, as they were not sure which one Climpman had sat in during the show.

Other showgoers also had comments on Trevor’s own choice wardrobe. “I personally enjoyed the “guerilla-style” fashion exhibit within the audience. That man’s lack of clothes really spoke to me,” said one mildly-scarred audience member.

“The goal of the fashion show has always been to inspire the cutting edge of fashion,” said the pro-pants CFC President. “If we could reach even one nudist, we’ve done our job.”