Insufferable Coffee Chat Terminated By Collapse of Olin Library Ceiling

OLIN LIBRARY—Many library goers were infuriated by the disruptive collapse of the Olin Library ceiling, caused by the excessive construction. However, those who have experienced the relentlessly tedious, pain-in-the-ass ritual that is the coffee chat will understand the relief of Lonnie Roth ‘26 and Mike Juarez ‘27 as their insufferable meeting was cut short by the crushing weight of the entire library ceiling.

The comments exchanged by the pair that day, while generally meaningless, were made even more useless by the incessant ruckus of the ongoing construction. Portions of the vapid questioning were overheard by library patrons:

“So, what first drew you to consulting?” 

“Well–” KA-DUNK-KA-DUNK-KA-DUNK “–a real passion for–” CLANK-CLANK-CLANK “–abundant wealth–” WHIRRR DUH-DUH-DUH WHIRRR “–just the best people.” 

A glimmer of hope returned to the deadened, joyless eyes of the pair of coffee chatters as the rank, decrepit ceiling finally gave way. Later, when questioned at Cayuga Medical Center, the two students described the ordeal. 

“It was excruciatingly, mind-numbingly painful. I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. At times, I even had to close my eyes to distract myself from the agony. But then, thank goodness, the coffee chat ended and we were crushed by two tons of debris,” shared Mike Juarez ‘27. 

Following the incident, dozens of coffee chatters have flocked to Olin Library in the hopes that they too might have their agonizing meetings ended prematurely by catastrophic accidents. 

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