New Sub-Letter Either Kinda Shy or Kinda Gonna Eat You

COLLEGE AVE—Though Adam Valla ‘25 had high hopes for his new roommate, things have been off to a rocky start. While Valla is pretty sure that his new roommate, Clay Trop ‘24, is just a little timid, he might also desire to cut Valla up into tiny pieces.

“Last week he had a friend over to the apartment for the first time ever,” recalled Valla. “Today there’s 20 tupperware containers of chili meal-prepped in the fridge. I mean, what am I supposed to think? He asked me if I wanted any and of course I said no,” explained Valla. “Shit. What if he was trying to reach out?”

Trop has been observed mopping and wiping down apartment surfaces, clearly demonstrating his desire to either do his fair share of housework or learn which chemicals best remove blood from the apartment’s hardwood floors. Trop has also taken a special interest in Valla’s schedule, including course locations, times, and classmates. While this likely indicates that the pair of housemates are running out of small talk topics, it also provides Trop with the necessary information to execute a clandestine murder plot.

“Yesterday I saw him staring at the kitchen knives. Or maybe the spatulas,” said Valla. “And I think he’s collecting my hair, but I probably shouldn’t keep leaving it in the shower drain,” Valla continued. “One time he told me that he likes hunting. Hunting what? I feel like I don’t know anything about him. I need to ask him to lunch…or move out. One of the two.”

The true nature of Trop’s intentions continued to vex Valla after Trop spent all weekend alone in his bedroom watching Criminal Minds.

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