GOLDWIN SMITH HALL – In what is sure to be received as a total dick move by his Earth Science students, asshole Professor Robert Simpson assigned a ninety-page reading for Monday when all everyone’s other shit is due. “This guy’s a total shithead,” said Peter Clegg ‘17, turning two pages without looking at the reading,…
BOATYARD GRILL – Looking like highly sophisticated and fully functioning members of society, attendees of Rho Upsilon Tau’s annual fall formal felt no lack of dignity despite several hours of behaving like trash and getting fucked up at a very nice venue. “It’s really great to enjoy a classy event with everyone dressed up so spiffy…
LIBE CAFÉ—As hordes of malicious fork thieves seek to empty the coffers of Libe Café, the awe-inspiring Lord Barista, guardian of the utensils, stands at the ready to defend what’s left of the library’s plasticware. “Sorry, we can only give you a fork if you buy a salad, or sushi, or something like that,” the…
WILLARD STRAIGHT — Following invitations to ‘Celebrate our next female president,’ the Cornell Democrats’ welcome party for Cornell’s newly announced 14th president Martha E. Pollack seems planned with someone else clearly in mind. “A lifelong fighter for children and families, from her time at Wellesley College in the 1960s to her recent term as Secretary…
URIS LIBRARY – Students were temporarily distracted from studying when a loud thud echoed through the cocktail lounge today, taking their focus away from prelims for about ten seconds. “What was that?” mumbled Kerry Thomas ’18 to herself, who was finishing a problem set for her physics class at the time of the incident. Thomas…
MEWS HALL– After failing to hook up during his first weekend of college, Freshman Jonny Waters is convinced that he will never fulfill his dream of losing his virginity and will therefore remain celibate for the rest of his life. “I went to a ton of parties, met some girls, but wasn’t able to seal…
OLIN — During an important study period before the last week of classes, Charlie Hodges ’19 was rudely interrupted with a barrage of affectionate texts from his mother, sent randomly and without context on the second Sunday in May. “Dusting your bookshelves and found your old copy of Peter Rabbit!! Remember when you made me…
BAILEY HALL — The Cornell University Program Board will present famed comedy persona “Hannibal,” Friday night in Bailey Hall. CUPB says that they are delighted to bring such an eloquent and voracious speaker to campus. “He’s exactly the type of comedian we were looking for,” said CUPB Chairperson Gabe Diamond ‘18, “We think he’ll kill…
RPCC DINING HALL – The world’s leading climate scientists confirmed that the scoop of French vanilla ice cream Jordan Chaplain ’19 placed on top of his waffle has shown signs of premature deglaciation, at a rate much faster than experts previously surmised, as concluded at climate talks in Paris this past week. “What we’re seeing…
