Study: Burnout Most Common Among Stupid Kids

Every semester, students across campus eagerly await “prelim season,” a time for rigorous–yet invigorating–intellectual stimulation. Unfortunately, according to a new report released by Cornell’s Department of Psychology, stupid kids actually suffer during this energizing time of year. 

Academic burnout is brought on by overwhelming workloads, and can cause students to feel drained, exhausted, and unmotivated. The study found that these feelings, however, are not normal, and are in fact indicative of chronic stupidity. “Students experiencing burnout should be embarrassed,” head researcher Dr. Elizabeth Redmond said. “It’s pathetic.” 

Cornell researchers noted that stupid kids experience burnout because they are simply incapable of succeeding. Dr. Redmond recommends these dull-witted students take their symptoms as a sign that they are incompetent and should just give up. “Your body is signaling to you that you’re too dumb to handle your workload,” she noted. “Get the hell out of here before your ineptitude drags down the rest of the student body.”

In light of this conclusive study, Cornell Health recommends that burned-out students do not reach out for support. “There is no cure for being a moron,” explained therapist Jenna Rickman. “You may as well just stamp the word ‘idiot’ on your forehead.”

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