Practical Application! Physics Student Recalls “Fg=Mg” Right Before Eating Shit On Icy Sidewalk

Rockefeller Hall—Samuel Maxwell ‘24 was sick of the negative reputation physics majors have garnered, and was determined to change it. As his wiry pipe-cleaner build struggled along Collegetown’s icy asphalt, Maxwell insisted that physics majors were “in the upper echelon of Cornell intelligence” and “not at all condescending or arrogant.” 

He talked at length about accessible topics simple rubes could understand, such as topological insulators and high energy plasma physics. However, despite his ability to expound volumes on quantum entanglement, Maxwell has yet to entangle with a woman.

“I mean, Isaac Newton was a virgin. So was Tesla. I’m just following in the footsteps of the greats,” Maxwell stated as he adjusts his glasses, “Just as the force of gravity pulled an apple onto Newton’s head, women have pulled prominent physicists away from their studies for generations. I choose not to be distracted.” 

As Maxwell monotonously droned on about garbage nobody cared about, he insisted “Everyone should—no, NEEDS to study physics! It nourishes your soul and prepares your mind to appreciate life. To not study physics, is to not live.”

But have Maxwell’s physics classes prepared him for what is about to happen next? A hero emerges on the half-maintained paths: a patch of icy pavement determined to put this insufferable dweeb in his place.

“Oh flux!” Maxwell exclaimed as his body contorts, pretzel like, to keep him bipedal. He failed.

Gathering his remaining dignity after eating spectacular shit, Maxwell remarked that one day, stories will be told of Samuel Maxwell the Chaste, founder of poorly maintained pathway physics.

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