Physics Professor Real Fuckin’ Excited to Derive Some Equations Today

ROCKEFELLER HALL—In a surprising display of enthusiasm for nine in the goddamn morning, Professor Brian Kennedy began his first lecture of the day by kicking down the lecture hall door and shouting at the top of his lungs, “It’s derivation time, baby!” The esteemed and tenured member of the physics department, fueled by his love of deriving equations and approximately ten cups of coffee, proceeded to start blasting his “Lo-Fi Beats to Derive and Vibe To” playlist as he scribbled out the lesson plan on the chalkboard.

“He does this every Tuesday,” said Alex Valenti ‘23, shouting to be heard over the sounds of Schoolhouse Rock. “He’s just so fucking excited to smash a couple equations together and get a brand new equation, like a toddler on Christmas morning.”

Other members of the class agreed with Valenti, saying that Kennedy’s bizarre love for derivations was the highlight of their day. “I’m like, so constantly stressed out by so much bullshit,” said Monica Patrick ‘24, who sits in the front row and often has to brush chalk dust out of her hair when the award-winning renowned professor gets a little too buckwild with his equations. “But then I come to physics class and Professor Kennedy’s yelling about how goddamn cool the Euler equation is, and it’s like, damn, he’s right! I can’t wait to derive the shit out of these equations!”

As of press time, Professor Kennedy had leapt on top of his podium, brandishing an electric guitar in hand, to give the Fourier Transform the proper fucking respect it deserved.

Hopeless Student Still Stuck On Problem Set 1

THURSTON HALL—Despite the imminent end of this academic year, Jameson Tucker ‘21 continues to struggle with the first problem set of the semester for his PHYS 2213 course.

“I’ve been comparing with other students, coming to office hours every week, and I even bought a chegg account,” said Tucker, sitting with a baffled TA. “But I just can’t quite figure out how the professor got the answers for this first problem set.”

Tucker remains hopeful, despite having 13 more chapters to cover before tomorrow’s final.

“I just feel like if I can have that ‘a-ha’ moment and get this one question, I’ll finally be able to move on to the second problem set and eventually start studying for the final,” said Tucker with a desperate sigh.

Sources reported signs of a continued tragedy for the hopeless student, as Tucker also has a final paper due on Thursday, for which he has to write 15–20 pages on the eight novels he has yet to open.