CORNELL BOTANIC GARDENS—During what could be her last naked jaunt through the largely abandoned Ithaca campus, Cornell President Martha Pollack was heard ruminating to herself, “well, we all knew it couldn’t be like this forever.” Amid the rush of eager students returning to move out of off-campus housing, and a significant contingent of the Class of…
Make your bedroom into your bedroom and have sex in your bedroom Finally read the entirety of a dazzling Denice Cassaro email out of sheer boredom Livestream the Cornell-Harvard Men’s Hockey game and throw fish at your computer screen Irresponsibly take off to NYC for Spring Break and become a vector for viral spread Fall…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In reaction to the upcoming closure of Cornell’s campus for undergraduates, the Interfraternity Council has released a statement saying that “although there will be disruptions as we make this transition,” they expect to “learn to adjust” as fraternities begin to hold all parties over Zoom. “Obviously, we wish all attendees could squeeze into…
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—In an unusual reversal, the College of Human Ecology rapidly changed tacks on their new study connecting being a complete asshat with holding the title of President of Cornell. “Although my colleagues and I initially believed that symptoms of being a total clown showed a direct cause-and-effect relationship with being the head…
HUMAN ECOLOGY BUILDING—Local Fiber Science & Apparel Design major Daphne Gladden ’23 is reportedly excited to wow her family by graduating with a degree from Cornell University’s proposed College of Public Policy. “When I told my family that I wanted to study fashion design at a “Human Ecology” school, my parents weren’t thrilled,” explained Gladden….
DAY HALL—In response to student strikes over Cornell’s continued investment in fossil fuel companies, the Board of Trustees released a statement Friday morning affirming that the returns on such investments are necessary for Cornell to continue educating the final generation to exist before the global climate crisis results in a total extinction of the human…
DAY HALL — Following weeks of debate and consideration, Martha Pollack and the Board of Trustees unveiled their official list of the student-athletes with the tightest, hottest bodies on campus. “Our administration spent many hours on the bleachers of the Teagle pool, by the sidelines of Schoellkopf, and in the varsity weight room,” stated President…
DAY HALL—In a Friday morning press conference, University President Martha Pollack addressed the student body to reaffirm that the intended purpose of Fall Break is for students to go back home to get a haircut. “I’ve overheard students discussing plans to take trips to Montréal, visit friends at other colleges, or stay on campus to…
DAY HALL—Saying that the university’s mission has been accomplished and there is no reason to continue, the Board of Trustees has unanimously voted to shut down operations next month after finally teaching every person every study. “Now that we’ve almost wrapped up graduating every single person in all possible subjects, there is nothing left for…
DAY HALL—After receiving word yesterday that another swastika had turned up less than an hour before her flight to IBM headquarters, Cornell President Martha Pollack quickly jotted down a four sentences campus-wide email on her way to the airport. “A few months ago, I might’ve written a long email expressing solidarity with all students and…
