CU Nooz Presents: 161 Things Every Cornellian Should Do Online

1. Make your bedroom into your bedroom and have sex in your bedroom
2. Finally read the entirety of a dazzling Denice Cassaro email out of sheer boredom
3. Livestream the Cornell-Harvard Men’s Hockey game and throw fish at your computer screen
4. Irresponsibly take off to NYC for Spring Break and become a vector for viral spread
5. Fall down the stairs when you try to walk down them after not moving for five days straight
6. Take Hotel Administration 4300: Introduction to Wines entirely sober
7. Streak from the shower to your bedroom
8. Enroll in BIOEE 1540: Introductory Oceanography as a joke, then fall in love with Bruce Monger and attend every class, then realize there will be no more in-person lectures and drop the class
9. Test out the musical calibration of your walls by throwing random shit at them
10. Eat takeout sushi with your parents and pretend to yourself that you are doing a sake bomb
11. Reluctantly try the shitty store brand ice cream that was left on the supermarket shelf
12. Break out the ol’ bunk beds and climb to the top bunk to watch a lecture
13. Listen to the muffled music coming from your sister’s room and try to guess what song she’s playing
14. Check if CTB can deliver to your house, even though you live approx. 2K miles away 
15. Pre-enroll for classes you’re excited to take; switch all of them to S/U by the extended deadline
16. Attend your zoom lecture in heels… just heels
17. Look out your bedroom window to see the two stars visible through light pollution
18. Drink like it’s Slope Day in March
19. Stick your hand inside a large bag of chips
20. Whip a frisbee as hard as you can at your Macbook Pro
21. Leave your bottle of Bacardi in the ground and return next fall to find it blossomed into a beautiful Bacardi tree
22. Observe the golden hour when f.lux kicks in
23. Skype in with your MacBook 
24. Catfish your professor
25. Bomb an online prelim
26. Realize you can just Google every answer on your next one
27. Miss Hotelie Prom four years after you skipped your high school’s 
28. Be glad knowing your social distancing from Happy Dave keeps him safe
29. Take your temperature 3 times in 2 days because your parents are paranoid
30. Get heartburn from sitting and eating junk food in your room all day
31. Spend a summer in Ithaca because you can’t go home
32. Host a Shabbat dinner for your confused family
33. Trip on psychedelics; imagine you’re following a dragon around your neighborhood 
34. Walk out of your house and go straight to your nationally-mandated ration distribution site
35. Count how many penises end up in Zoom backgrounds in your online lectures
36. Attempt a YouTube-inspired “glam emerald forest faerie <3” makeup look, take a few selfies, think about how you wasted 4 hours of your life to look like Shrek, remove your makeup and go back to bed like the purposeless person you are
37. Realize how much you love your parents, and how much they love you 
38. Quickly realize how much you hate them actually 
39. Go on a wine stay
40. Take a walk outside onto a suspension bridge and promptly turn around when you see someone coughing
41. See how many times you can sleep through the entire day before your parents start saying stuff
42. Buy a ton of books from amazon and tell yourself you’re going to read them in quarantine; read none of them
43. Get a parking ticket; cough your way out of it
44. Use your Ithaca is Gorges T-shirt to make an impromptu face mask
45. Learn the latest TikTok song as society breaks down and people starting killing each other over toilet paper
46. Attend your parents hanging of your sweet drawing on the fridge: Mommy’s little artist!
47. Realize that you never have to do a walk of shame if you don’t leave your house or make physical contact with anyone indefinitely
48. Make dinner for your parents without breathing into the food 
49. Get wasted in your parents’ house and have them remind you how much of waste of space you are that’ll amount to nothing
50. Take a selfie with Martha Pollack in Summer 2024, the official date of Class of 2020’s Commencement 
51. Play a game of paintball in your local high school without telling anyone 
52. Watch a bootleg recording of Hamilton on XHamster
53. Take your laptop into your backyard for your zoom lecture; immediately regret your decision because of the glare and the bees. So many bees.
54. Start your freshman year pre-med; die a victim of a preventable ailment
55. Surf the internet for photos of lakes 
56. Ransack your fridge for slices of American cheese and orange slices at midnight, and eat them on your bed thinking about all the fun you could be having on campus right now
57. Wait for 6 hours for your bread rations like a Soviet peasant
58. Do a sympathy livestream for your friend’s final end-of-semester acapella concert
59. Steal a “No Winter Maintenance” Sign; try to Store it With Ezrabox
60. Sit in a public space coughing, and watch the worried citizenry lather gallons of hand sanitizer
61. Write an insane comment on the Daily Sun Facebook page; be fueled by the ensuing argument with Nancy and Don, class of 1976
62. Leave Your House After Curfew
63. Explore the dark web
64. Request specific porn from r/tipofmypenis
65. Pretend you’re Harry Potter and mourn the death of both your parents
66. Explore your room’s collection of unwashed dishes, and cans of LaCroix; vow to clean it up eventually
67. Make the saddest fucking spaghetti of your life but put a little oregano on that bad boy and bada bing bada boom its a fancy italian restaurant.
68. Do a bunch of drugs now that school is no more
69. Eat random mushrooms from your backyard; tell your parents its for a class
70. Acquire Stockholm Syndrome From Your Parents
71. Take a unplanned depression nap for four hours because you have nothing else going on
72. Sign a change.org petition to get your brbs back
73. Have sex with your high school ex that took your virginity, and imagine AD White and Ezra Cornell bumping elbows back in Ithaca
74. Survive a global pandemic and make weekly TikTok updates
75. Pretend that your grandpa’s vitamin D pills are molly
76. Form a professional esport team and make your own youtube channel
77. Spend all your lectures figuring out the day’s crossword and be proud of your decisions because finals are now take-home; fail your take home exam
78. Throw a hail mary “You up?” 2am text to your T.A. before they leave campus indefinitely
79. Learn a useless hobby; impress no one in the Fall 
80. Watch Jeopoardy! every night with your family; listen to their passive-aggressive remarks about how you should be beating them because you go to an Ivy
81. Visit normie websites like Facebook
82. Sing along to the music you’re listening to
83. Try a sip of the water from your dad’s aquarium
84. Wii Bowling with the homies
85. Spam every listserv about your next club meeting that will take place in 6-24 months
86. Drive your car 10 hours to get home with all your worldly belongings packed in the backseat and trunk
87. Eat a “celebratory” steak dinner with sides of asparagus and rolls at home because your parents are “so thrilled to have you back”
88. Finally learn how to fucking cook your own food you goddamn adult 
89. Give up and order wings
90. Get banned from Balch Hall because undergraduates are banned from campus buildings
91. Heckle your grandma for saying she wants to go outside 
92. Take a shower without locking the door 
93. Get lost in a Wikipedia rabbit hole until 4am 
94. Sing to yourself in the shower without accompaniment
95. Blast the AC in your bedroom and dump buckets of water on your floor; skate around your homemade ice rink
96. Make it onto your sibling’s Snapchat story
97. Struggle to obtain adequate research materials for your projects because all the libraries and archives are shut down
98. Let your balls hang out during a Zoom class
99. Eat a snack your parents made; cry out of a second story window.
100. Realize that even though everything sucks right now, at least you probably won’t bump into your freshman floormates ever again
101. Go to a house party as a senior; convince yourself you’re not a viral vector
102. Get lost in your house
103. Get negged by your parents who refuse to buy you beer
104. Watch a non-pirated movie
105. Eat your guinea pig named Mongo because your family has run out of food 
106. Watch old Coachella performances on YouTube
107. Say the reason you’re not working out is you don’t want to “weaken my immune system”
108. See how creative you can get with different ways to cook eggs
109. Take a long bath
110. Subsequently drown in your bathtub because Cornell cancelled your required swim test
111. Tailgate Outside Your Local COVID-19 Testing Center
112. Watch project runway reruns 
113. Host a virus in your body for 2-5 days without symptoms
114. Blast Rasputin by Boney M for the entirety of lecture and refuse to mute yourself
115. Get guilt tripped into spending time with your family
116. Have WebMD tell you you’re pregnant even though you haven’t seen anyone outside of your family for months
117. Give your RA the last bit of the alcohol you have to get rid of before leaving
118. Make a chalking on your sidewalk and stunt on the little kids in your neighborhood 
119. Get on the only bus line your city is running while on lockdown
120. Watch Bill Nye mansplain epidemiology on his shitty Netflix show for 30 minutes
121. See how long you can go without doing laundry until your bitch mom does it for you
122. Go on a road trip to Canada, get quarantined immediately after crossing the border
123. Try to order pizza from a normal phone but all restaurants have been ordered shut by the federal government so no one picks up
124. Order a sex toy with your parents’ credit card
125. Find the biggest hill in your neighborhood; imagine you’re at Slope Day
126. But still plan on going to Slope Day 2021
127. Get a GCal invite to a secret society 
128. Visit any store in ithaca, realize it’s significantly lacking in essential survival supplies, then just die
129. Lose a friend because you just fail to stay in touch
130. Find out your $2.36 of BRBs won’t be refunded, attempt to storm Day Hall, get stopped by CUPD and just give up
131. Walk aimlessly around your house while FaceTiming 
132. Visit the CDC website every 5 minutes as if something is going to get better
133. Bang your head against your wall for one hour basically the same as yamatai but accessible from home
134. Go to law.cornell.edu and piss on your laptop
135. Listen to a talk about the “dangers of alcohol” from your parents; go back into your sedative bliss anyway
136. Hook up with a family member and see them every day afterwards 
137. Hope ya like a big ol can of Folgers
138. See how many people you can get into your lecture before zoom crashes
139. Rush a minecraft server
140. Text dirty messages to a tinder rando because you’re living with your parents and it’s not like you can have sex anymore
141. Create a pointless change.org petition
142. Spam GroupMe to get strangers to sign your pointless change.org petition
143. Have your pointless change.org petition inevitably fail because it’s a pointless change.org petition
144. Watch ILR students turn into capitalists to save themselves
145. Put on a three act puppet show rendition of Hello Dolly for your parents and watch them quickly regret having another kid
146. Actually call the CIT help desk because you desperately need help and your dad’s limited experience with Hotmail ain’t gonna cut it
147. Sleep through all your zoom lectures; narrowly fail your S/U major requirements as a result
148. Hit the slopes at home and do some blow since nothing matters
149. Loudly chew a bagel in your bathrobe 
150. Cheer on your friends as they perform a quarantine Camshow
151. Sign up for a dozen streaming services you’ll never use 
152. Listen to classmates make terrible Zoom-related puns, eventually join in because, hey, when in Zoom, do as the Zoomers do right?
153. Zoom call from your Apple computer
154. Remove everything from your apartment and hastily put it in a storage unit 
155. Ask for an extension on your term paper, email your professor “nevermind!” after classes get cancelled for 3 weeks
156. Ask for an extension on the semester
157. Set a colorful Zoom Avatar
158. Depression nap for 3 days
159. Tell a professor what you really think of his/her ass
160. Attend any virtual club meeting; apologize for all the background noise of your stupid brother playing his stupid games stupidly
161. Inspect element in every subpage of the Cornell website

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