Graduating Senior Undergoes Existential Crisis Trying To Write Instagram Bio That Isn’t “Cornell ‘22”

STEWART AVE—Soon to graduate Bryan Borren ‘22 experienced a matriculation meltdown yesterday while attempting to construct a new Instagram bio. After using “Cornell ‘22” for the last four and a half years, Borren found himself entirely unable to find a new 150 character combination that properly summarized his being.

“I’m totally out of options,” explained an exasperated Borren, eyes sunken and wild. “I played around with a bear emoji and a red circle, or maybe a corn emoji with an ‘L’ at the end, as a subtle nod to my formative time here, but they just won’t do. People might think I’m some sort of animal lover, or god forbid, a farmer. Those just aren’t my interests. Come to think of it, I don’t really have any interests.”   

As Borren’s quest for self identity continued to fail, his mental state deteriorated, sending him on a failed soul searching journey across campus. Borren was reportedly seen stumbling across Ho Plaza, mumbling vague witticisms and song lyrics that he thought other people liked. Borren was next observed interrogating the Arts Quad statue of Ezra Cornell, shouting questions such as “Who am I?” and “How do you spell entrepreneur?”. 

“I really feel for the guy,” expressed Borren’s roommate, Ancel Erry ‘23. “I haven’t seen him wear a piece of clothing that doesn’t say ‘Cornell’ on it all semester. This place is his whole deal and I don’t think he’s ever thought this far ahead. Every single time he answers the phone he says “Go for Big Red Bryan!”.

As of press time, Borren was reportedly on the verge of yet another devastating loss of ego after realizing that saying “I did my undergrad at Cornell” would only be worth about five minutes of small talk with his future financial advising coworkers, leaving him with no other topics of conversation.

Student Uses Time Alone To Embark Upon Journey Of Self Discovery, Drug Abuse

CHEYENNE, WYOMING—During her unexpected isolation at home, Bernadette Shaw ’20 has taken advantage of her distance from her peers to self-examine and discover a new hobby of rampant, perverse drug abuse.

“I think quarantine makes people feel really uncertain; I see it as an opportunity to reflect on my aspirations, but doing that sober is super hard,” said Shaw, working on her vision board after ingesting 10 grams of magic mushrooms.

Shaw ’20 will be graduating into a literal economic depression, which has promoted her to critically reflect on what’s really important to her. She’s also been thinking of cool new drug combinations which range from the banal: muscle relaxers and white wine, to the innovative: 50mg of melatonin and LSD.

“I’m so scared to wake up one day and not recognize myself,” said Shaw, explaining that she meant it in a “literal and metaphorical way,” citing her experience with peyote, which “showed me my spiritual essence rather than physical form when I looked in the mirror.” Shaw described that trip as “extremely unpleasant, because my spiritual essence is a real uggo.”

Shaw aspires to find a deeper sense of self understanding through exercises like mindfulness meditation, huffing gasoline siphoned out of her mother’s SUV, and electrocuting her toes with the car battery.

Despite disapproval from her family, Shaw plans to continue her spiritual and substance-based journey because what else are you supposed to do in Wyoming?

Unemployed but Determined Senior Adds “Seeking Opportunities in Business” to LinkedIn Headline

COLLEGETOWN—Confident that it will give him the edge he needs after an underwhelming and fruitless job search, Dalton Pearce ’20, indicated he is eager to receive any and all job offers by adding “Seeking Opportunities in Business” to his LinkedIn headline.

“‘Seeking: Job’ sounds too stiff and formal, and ‘Please, I’m Just Looking For A Chance’ is borderline desperate,” explained Pearce, wondering what two to five word phrase could walk the line between last-resort and enthusiastic optimism. “I was thinking about going all out and having it say ‘Intended Incoming Employed Person,’ but I feel good about this middle ground.”

Pearce’s friends tell him his efforts may be better directed towards interview prep or applying to graduate school. However, the resilient senior is confident that his future employer will be handpicking new hires based on their most inspired LinkedIn Headline, and that this updated online presence will seal the deal for him. Pearce went on to say that “besides, resumes are just supposed to direct you towards your LinkedIn anyway, right?”

Shortly after receiving the seventh straight rejection email, Pearce reportedly doubled-down on his job hunt efforts and updated his LinkedIn Headline to “Visionary. Thinker. Dreamer.”

CU Nooz Presents: 161 Things Every Cornellian Should Do Online

  1. Make your bedroom into your bedroom and have sex in your bedroom
  2. Finally read the entirety of a dazzling Denice Cassaro email out of sheer boredom
  3. Livestream the Cornell-Harvard Men’s Hockey game and throw fish at your computer screen
  4. Irresponsibly take off to NYC for Spring Break and become a vector for viral spread
  5. Fall down the stairs when you try to walk down them after not moving for five days straight
  6. Take Hotel Administration 4300: Introduction to Wines entirely sober
  7. Streak from the shower to your bedroom
  8. Enroll in BIOEE 1540: Introductory Oceanography as a joke, then fall in love with Bruce Monger and attend every class, then realize there will be no more in-person lectures and drop the class
  9. Test out the musical calibration of your walls by throwing random shit at them
  10. Eat takeout sushi with your parents and pretend to yourself that you are doing a sake bomb
  11. Reluctantly try the shitty store brand ice cream that was left on the supermarket shelf
  12. Break out the ol’ bunk beds and climb to the top bunk to watch a lecture
  13. Listen to the muffled music coming from your sister’s room and try to guess what song she’s playing
  14. Check if CTB can deliver to your house, even though you live approx. 2K miles away 
  15. Pre-enroll for classes you’re excited to take; switch all of them to S/U by the extended deadline
  16. Attend your zoom lecture in heels… just heels
  17. Look out your bedroom window to see the two stars visible through light pollution
  18. Drink like it’s Slope Day in March
  19. Stick your hand inside a large bag of chips
  20. Whip a frisbee as hard as you can at your Macbook Pro
  21. Leave your bottle of Bacardi in the ground and return next fall to find it blossomed into a beautiful Bacardi tree
  22. Observe the golden hour when f.lux kicks in
  23. Skype in with your MacBook 
  24. Catfish your professor
  25. Bomb an online prelim
  26. Realize you can just Google every answer on your next one
  27. Miss Hotelie Prom four years after you skipped your high school’s 
  28. Be glad knowing your social distancing from Happy Dave keeps him safe
  29. Take your temperature 3 times in 2 days because your parents are paranoid
  30. Get heartburn from sitting and eating junk food in your room all day
  31. Spend a summer in Ithaca because you can’t go home
  32. Host a Shabbat dinner for your confused family
  33. Trip on psychedelics; imagine you’re following a dragon around your neighborhood 
  34. Walk out of your house and go straight to your nationally-mandated ration distribution site
  35. Count how many penises end up in Zoom backgrounds in your online lectures
  36. Attempt a YouTube-inspired “glam emerald forest faerie <3” makeup look, take a few selfies, think about how you wasted 4 hours of your life to look like Shrek, remove your makeup and go back to bed like the purposeless person you are
  37. Realize how much you love your parents, and how much they love you 
  38. Quickly realize how much you hate them actually 
  39. Go on a wine stay
  40. Take a walk outside onto a suspension bridge and promptly turn around when you see someone coughing
  41. See how many times you can sleep through the entire day before your parents start saying stuff
  42. Buy a ton of books from amazon and tell yourself you’re going to read them in quarantine; read none of them
  43. Get a parking ticket; cough your way out of it
  44. Use your Ithaca is Gorges T-shirt to make an impromptu face mask
  45. Learn the latest TikTok song as society breaks down and people starting killing each other over toilet paper
  46. Attend your parents hanging of your sweet drawing on the fridge: Mommy’s little artist!
  47. Realize that you never have to do a walk of shame if you don’t leave your house or make physical contact with anyone indefinitely
  48. Make dinner for your parents without breathing into the food 
  49. Get wasted in your parents’ house and have them remind you how much of waste of space you are that’ll amount to nothing
  50. Take a selfie with Martha Pollack in Summer 2024, the official date of Class of 2020’s Commencement 
  51. Play a game of paintball in your local high school without telling anyone 
  52. Watch a bootleg recording of Hamilton on XHamster
  53. Take your laptop into your backyard for your zoom lecture; immediately regret your decision because of the glare and the bees. So many bees.
  54. Start your freshman year pre-med; die a victim of a preventable ailment
  55. Surf the internet for photos of lakes 
  56. Ransack your fridge for slices of American cheese and orange slices at midnight, and eat them on your bed thinking about all the fun you could be having on campus right now
  57. Wait for 6 hours for your bread rations like a Soviet peasant
  58. Do a sympathy livestream for your friend’s final end-of-semester acapella concert
  59. Steal a “No Winter Maintenance” Sign; try to Store it With Ezrabox
  60. Sit in a public space coughing, and watch the worried citizenry lather gallons of hand sanitizer
  61. Write an insane comment on the Daily Sun Facebook page; be fueled by the ensuing argument with Nancy and Don, class of 1976
  62. Leave Your House After Curfew
  63. Explore the dark web
  64. Request specific porn from r/tipofmypenis
  65. Pretend you’re Harry Potter and mourn the death of both your parents
  66. Explore your room’s collection of unwashed dishes, and cans of LaCroix; vow to clean it up eventually
  67. Make the saddest fucking spaghetti of your life but put a little oregano on that bad boy and bada bing bada boom its a fancy italian restaurant.
  68. Do a bunch of drugs now that school is no more
  69. Eat random mushrooms from your backyard; tell your parents its for a class
  70. Acquire Stockholm Syndrome From Your Parents
  71. Take a unplanned depression nap for four hours because you have nothing else going on
  72. Sign a petition to get your brbs back
  73. Have sex with your high school ex that took your virginity, and imagine AD White and Ezra Cornell bumping elbows back in Ithaca
  74. Survive a global pandemic and make weekly TikTok updates
  75. Pretend that your grandpa’s vitamin D pills are molly
  76. Form a professional esport team and make your own youtube channel
  77. Spend all your lectures figuring out the day’s crossword and be proud of your decisions because finals are now take-home; fail your take home exam
  78. Throw a hail mary “You up?” 2am text to your T.A. before they leave campus indefinitely
  79. Learn a useless hobby; impress no one in the Fall 
  80. Watch Jeopoardy! every night with your family; listen to their passive-aggressive remarks about how you should be beating them because you go to an Ivy
  81. Visit normie websites like Facebook
  82. Sing along to the music you’re listening to
  83. Try a sip of the water from your dad’s aquarium
  84. Wii Bowling with the homies
  85. Spam every listserv about your next club meeting that will take place in 6-24 months
  86. Drive your car 10 hours to get home with all your worldly belongings packed in the backseat and trunk
  87. Eat a “celebratory” steak dinner with sides of asparagus and rolls at home because your parents are “so thrilled to have you back”
  88. Finally learn how to fucking cook your own food you goddamn adult 
  89. Give up and order wings
  90. Get banned from Balch Hall because undergraduates are banned from campus buildings
  91. Heckle your grandma for saying she wants to go outside 
  92. Take a shower without locking the door 
  93. Get lost in a Wikipedia rabbit hole until 4am 
  94. Sing to yourself in the shower without accompaniment
  95. Blast the AC in your bedroom and dump buckets of water on your floor; skate around your homemade ice rink
  96. Make it onto your sibling’s Snapchat story
  97. Struggle to obtain adequate research materials for your projects because all the libraries and archives are shut down
  98. Let your balls hang out during a Zoom class
  99. Eat a snack your parents made; cry out of a second story window.
  100. Realize that even though everything sucks right now, at least you probably won’t bump into your freshman floormates ever again
  101. Go to a house party as a senior; convince yourself you’re not a viral vector
  102. Get lost in your house
  103. Get negged by your parents who refuse to buy you beer
  104. Watch a non-pirated movie
  105. Eat your guinea pig named Mongo because your family has run out of food 
  106. Watch old Coachella performances on YouTube
  107. Say the reason you’re not working out is you don’t want to “weaken my immune system”
  108. See how creative you can get with different ways to cook eggs
  109. Take a long bath
  110. Subsequently drown in your bathtub because Cornell cancelled your required swim test
  111. Tailgate Outside Your Local COVID-19 Testing Center
  112. Watch project runway reruns 
  113. Host a virus in your body for 2-5 days without symptoms
  114. Blast Rasputin by Boney M for the entirety of lecture and refuse to mute yourself
  115. Get guilt tripped into spending time with your family
  116. Have WebMD tell you you’re pregnant even though you haven’t seen anyone outside of your family for months
  117. Give your RA the last bit of the alcohol you have to get rid of before leaving
  118. Make a chalking on your sidewalk and stunt on the little kids in your neighborhood 
  119. Get on the only bus line your city is running while on lockdown
  120. Watch Bill Nye mansplain epidemiology on his shitty Netflix show for 30 minutes
  121. See how long you can go without doing laundry until your bitch mom does it for you
  122. Go on a road trip to Canada, get quarantined immediately after crossing the border
  123. Try to order pizza from a normal phone but all restaurants have been ordered shut by the federal government so no one picks up
  124. Order a sex toy with your parents’ credit card
  125. Find the biggest hill in your neighborhood; imagine you’re at Slope Day
  126. But still plan on going to Slope Day 2021
  127. Get a GCal invite to a secret society 
  128. Visit any store in ithaca, realize it’s significantly lacking in essential survival supplies, then just die
  129. Lose a friend because you just fail to stay in touch
  130. Find out your $2.36 of BRBs won’t be refunded, attempt to storm Day Hall, get stopped by CUPD and just give up
  131. Walk aimlessly around your house while FaceTiming 
  132. Visit the CDC website every 5 minutes as if something is going to get better
  133. Bang your head against your wall for one hour basically the same as yamatai but accessible from home
  134. Go to and piss on your laptop
  135. Listen to a talk about the “dangers of alcohol” from your parents; go back into your sedative bliss anyway
  136. Hook up with a family member and see them every day afterwards 
  137. Hope ya like a big ol can of Folgers
  138. See how many people you can get into your lecture before zoom crashes
  139. Rush a minecraft server
  140. Text dirty messages to a tinder rando because you’re living with your parents and it’s not like you can have sex anymore
  141. Create a pointless petition
  142. Spam GroupMe to get strangers to sign your pointless petition
  143. Have your pointless petition inevitably fail because it’s a pointless petition
  144. Watch ILR students turn into capitalists to save themselves
  145. Put on a three act puppet show rendition of Hello Dolly for your parents and watch them quickly regret having another kid
  146. Actually call the CIT help desk because you desperately need help and your dad’s limited experience with Hotmail ain’t gonna cut it
  147. Sleep through all your zoom lectures; narrowly fail your S/U major requirements as a result
  148. Hit the slopes at home and do some blow since nothing matters
  149. Loudly chew a bagel in your bathrobe 
  150. Cheer on your friends as they perform a quarantine Camshow
  151. Sign up for a dozen streaming services you’ll never use 
  152. Listen to classmates make terrible Zoom-related puns, eventually join in because, hey, when in Zoom, do as the Zoomers do right?
  153. Zoom call from your Apple computer
  154. Remove everything from your apartment and hastily put it in a storage unit 
  155. Ask for an extension on your term paper, email your professor “nevermind!” after classes get cancelled for 3 weeks
  156. Ask for an extension on the semester
  157. Set a colorful Zoom Avatar
  158. Depression nap for 3 days
  159. Tell a professor what you really think of his/her ass
  160. Attend any virtual club meeting; apologize for all the background noise of your stupid brother playing his stupid games stupidly
  161. Inspect element in every subpage of the Cornell website

Graduating Senior Finally Has Time To Enjoy College

LIBE SLOPE—Now free to lie down in the grass watching the sunset after an hour of playing frisbee with friends, graduating senior Adam Schumacher ‘17 finally has time to enjoy his undergraduate years at Cornell.

“I’d been completely bogged down with homework, clubs and tests since I was a freshman, but after finishing my last exam, I can experience all that Ithaca has to offer before commencement this Sunday,” said Schumacher, who until recently had been consumed with maintaining his GPA, and for the first time will be able to appreciate his soon-to-be alma mater.

“I absolutely love Cornell now that I’m finished with all my degree requirements and the demanding expectations I’ve had to deal with over four years.”

Sources report that, in a matter of months, Schumacher will look back fondly on his days of extraordinary academic stress, social pressure and seasonal affective disorder.

Senior Deployed For Final Tour Of Catharine Valley Winery

SCHWARTZ CENTER—Bidding a tearful goodbye to his mother and father, Harry Landry ‘17 shipped out for his final call in Upstate New York vineyards.

“I knew what I was signing up for when I was recruited during rush week freshman year,” said Landry as he took one last look at his family. “It’s my duty to increase the social standing of the house in any way I can.”

Thousands of Cornellians each year are shipped across county lines to confront perilous hazards such as dense canopies of vines and large swaths of rowdy aggressors in pastel clothing.

“I’ve seen some unspeakable horrors that will be etched in memory forever, from a freshman cursing out the owner over a fake ID to puddles of vomit rolling down a children’s school bus,” added Landry.

Despite arriving home several hours ago, Landry continued to suffer from post traumatic stresses such as nausea, memory loss, and a pounding headache.

Rising Senior’s Apartment Affordable Firetrap Only Ten Minute Walk From Olin

COLLEGETOWN — Junior Jake Evans reported today that the apartment he’d be living in next year was, “An affordable place, close to campus, and virtually impossible to escape in the event of a fire or other emergency.”

Chatting with friends over coffee, Evans mentioned that his apartment was likely to become “his tomb,” and that if the slightest thing went wrong it would almost certainly lead to his death. “I’m just amazed you found a place so close for so cheap!” responded Clare Smith, ’18.

Evans recalls the landlord when he toured the apartment as saying, “Oh yeah only one exit, and no fire escape despite being on the third floor, but for this price this close, it’s a steal.”

At press time, Evans commented: “My buddy Matt is paying like eight hundred for a place on, like, State Street, so the constant looming threat of death by inferno is worth it in the long run.”