STEWART AVE—Soon to graduate Bryan Borren ‘22 experienced a matriculation meltdown yesterday while attempting to construct a new Instagram bio. After using “Cornell ‘22” for the last four and a half years, Borren found himself entirely unable to find a new 150 character combination that properly summarized his being.
“I’m totally out of options,” explained an exasperated Borren, eyes sunken and wild. “I played around with a bear emoji and a red circle, or maybe a corn emoji with an ‘L’ at the end, as a subtle nod to my formative time here, but they just won’t do. People might think I’m some sort of animal lover, or god forbid, a farmer. Those just aren’t my interests. Come to think of it, I don’t really have any interests.”
As Borren’s quest for self identity continued to fail, his mental state deteriorated, sending him on a failed soul searching journey across campus. Borren was reportedly seen stumbling across Ho Plaza, mumbling vague witticisms and song lyrics that he thought other people liked. Borren was next observed interrogating the Arts Quad statue of Ezra Cornell, shouting questions such as “Who am I?” and “How do you spell entrepreneur?”.
“I really feel for the guy,” expressed Borren’s roommate, Ancel Erry ‘23. “I haven’t seen him wear a piece of clothing that doesn’t say ‘Cornell’ on it all semester. This place is his whole deal and I don’t think he’s ever thought this far ahead. Every single time he answers the phone he says “Go for Big Red Bryan!”.
As of press time, Borren was reportedly on the verge of yet another devastating loss of ego after realizing that saying “I did my undergrad at Cornell” would only be worth about five minutes of small talk with his future financial advising coworkers, leaving him with no other topics of conversation.
CHEYENNE, WYOMING—During her unexpected isolation at home, Bernadette Shaw ’20 has taken advantage of her distance from her peers to self-examine and discover a new hobby of rampant, perverse drug abuse.
“I think quarantine makes people feel really uncertain; I see it as an opportunity to reflect on my aspirations, but doing that sober is super hard,” said Shaw, working on her vision board after ingesting 10 grams of magic mushrooms.
Shaw ’20 will be graduating into a literal economic depression, which has promoted her to critically reflect on what’s really important to her. She’s also been thinking of cool new drug combinations which range from the banal: muscle relaxers and white wine, to the innovative: 50mg of melatonin and LSD.
“I’m so scared to wake up one day and not recognize myself,” said Shaw, explaining that she meant it in a “literal and metaphorical way,” citing her experience with peyote, which “showed me my spiritual essence rather than physical form when I looked in the mirror.” Shaw described that trip as “extremely unpleasant, because my spiritual essence is a real uggo.”
Shaw aspires to find a deeper sense of self understanding through exercises like mindfulness meditation, huffing gasoline siphoned out of her mother’s SUV, and electrocuting her toes with the car battery.
Despite disapproval from her family, Shaw plans to continue her spiritual and substance-based journey because what else are you supposed to do in Wyoming?
COLLEGETOWN—Confident that it will give him the edge he needs after an underwhelming and fruitless job search, Dalton Pearce ’20, indicated he is eager to receive any and all job offers by adding “Seeking Opportunities in Business” to his LinkedIn headline.
“‘Seeking: Job’ sounds too stiff and formal, and ‘Please, I’m Just Looking For A Chance’ is borderline desperate,” explained Pearce, wondering what two to five word phrase could walk the line between last-resort and enthusiastic optimism. “I was thinking about going all out and having it say ‘Intended Incoming Employed Person,’ but I feel good about this middle ground.”
Pearce’s friends tell him his efforts may be better directed towards interview prep or applying to graduate school. However, the resilient senior is confident that his future employer will be handpicking new hires based on their most inspired LinkedIn Headline, and that this updated online presence will seal the deal for him. Pearce went on to say that “besides, resumes are just supposed to direct you towards your LinkedIn anyway, right?”
Shortly after receiving the seventh straight rejection email, Pearce reportedly doubled-down on his job hunt efforts and updated his LinkedIn Headline to “Visionary. Thinker. Dreamer.”
LIBE SLOPE—Now free to lie down in the grass watching the sunset after an hour of playing frisbee with friends, graduating senior Adam Schumacher ‘17 finally has time to enjoy his undergraduate years at Cornell.
“I’d been completely bogged down with homework, clubs and tests since I was a freshman, but after finishing my last exam, I can experience all that Ithaca has to offer before commencement this Sunday,” said Schumacher, who until recently had been consumed with maintaining his GPA, and for the first time will be able to appreciate his soon-to-be alma mater.
“I absolutely love Cornell now that I’m finished with all my degree requirements and the demanding expectations I’ve had to deal with over four years.”
Sources report that, in a matter of months, Schumacher will look back fondly on his days of extraordinary academic stress, social pressure and seasonal affective disorder.
SCHWARTZ CENTER—Bidding a tearful goodbye to his mother and father, Harry Landry ‘17 shipped out for his final call in Upstate New York vineyards.
“I knew what I was signing up for when I was recruited during rush week freshman year,” said Landry as he took one last look at his family. “It’s my duty to increase the social standing of the house in any way I can.”
Thousands of Cornellians each year are shipped across county lines to confront perilous hazards such as dense canopies of vines and large swaths of rowdy aggressors in pastel clothing.
“I’ve seen some unspeakable horrors that will be etched in memory forever, from a freshman cursing out the owner over a fake ID to puddles of vomit rolling down a children’s school bus,” added Landry.
Despite arriving home several hours ago, Landry continued to suffer from post traumatic stresses such as nausea, memory loss, and a pounding headache.
COLLEGETOWN — Junior Jake Evans reported today that the apartment he’d be living in next year was, “An affordable place, close to campus, and virtually impossible to escape in the event of a fire or other emergency.”
Chatting with friends over coffee, Evans mentioned that his apartment was likely to become “his tomb,” and that if the slightest thing went wrong it would almost certainly lead to his death. “I’m just amazed you found a place so close for so cheap!” responded Clare Smith, ’18.
Evans recalls the landlord when he toured the apartment as saying, “Oh yeah only one exit, and no fire escape despite being on the third floor, but for this price this close, it’s a steal.”
At press time, Evans commented: “My buddy Matt is paying like eight hundred for a place on, like, State Street, so the constant looming threat of death by inferno is worth it in the long run.”