Nooz Staff October 11, 2019

Martha Pollack Clarifies Fall Break Only Meant for Haircuts

DAY HALL—In a Friday morning press conference, University President Martha Pollack addressed the student body to reaffirm that the intended purpose of Fall Break is for students to go back home to get a haircut.

“I’ve overheard students discussing plans to take trips to Montréal, visit friends at other colleges, or stay on campus to catch up on sleep, and I just wanted to say that they have this all wrong,” stated a concerned Pollack. “To be clear, fall break is just for haircuts.”

The annual 4-day break, strategically positioned between Fall semester’s two other haircut opportunities of the school year’s start and Thanksgiving Break, was first prompted in 1944 by university administrators’ observations of male student’s uncertainty over how to procure a haircut in Ithaca.

“The boys always start looking shaggy about a month and a half in,” explained long-time Cornell librarian Gladys Kilbourne. “The break helps keep them looking fresh while sparing them from having to figure out small talk with an unfamiliar barber.”

Asked for comment, the men of Cornell agreed that they can probably skip the haircut this break and wait a few more weeks.

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