Rich Friend Already on Fall Break

BARTHELONA—Despite the full week of school remaining before Fall Break begins, one wealthy student has decided to take some early relaxation after a hard-fought prelim season.

“My Wines class has just been so stressful recently,” said trust fund child Jamenald Worcestershire ‘23. “I don’t know what else I should do. I just haaad to get away, you know? There was so much to do and I could barely keep up with the drinking, the smelling, the tasting–sometimes all three at once! It’s exhausting. I mean, can I just say it? The grind. It’s endless, so Mother and Father decided to take the family up to Spain for some tapas before our main Fall Break vacation in the Poconos.”

The Worcestershire clan made sure to thoroughly plan for Jamenald’s early departure. Not only have they paid multiple classmates in each of his classes to take notes, but have offered a seat on their December vacation to the student deemed most helpful by their son. They have also reportedly offered some “small incentives” of up to $80,000 for professors who “incorporate burnout in [their] schedules.”

“Many students have reached out to me stating their issues with burnout, and I take that seriously,” claimed Professor Benedict Arnold ‘87, a crisp hundred-dollar-bill peeking out of the collar of his shirt. “Because of Jamenald’s–sorry, I mean these student’s–concerns, I am canceling class this Monday and Wednesday, while Friday discussion sections will be held over email.”

When requested to comment, Jamenald’s parents offered to buy any publication interested in the story.

UPDATE: Student Didn’t Spend Entirety of Fall Break on Shortline Bus, Because Shortline Sent Us Cease and Desist

Update: In response to receiving a cease and desist letter from Coach USA’s assistant general counsel demanding CU Nooz remove the “libelous article concerning Shortline’s bus services as well as libelous comments attributed to representatives of Shortline”, this article has been updated to reflect that the student did not, in fact, spend the entirety of Fall Break on the Shortline Bus.


INTERSTATE 81—In what was supposed to be a quick long-weekend visit to friends and family back home, Kayla Gladstone ‘22 spentDID NOT SPEND the entire duration of Fall Break on a Shortline service from Ithaca to Washington DC.

“As an experienced Shortline rider, I thought this would just be a quick 17-hour jouney home,” said Gladstone DIDN’T SAY. “At least the charging port worked sometimes if I didn’t breathe too hard, and a few times when I was lucky the WiFi would even load the login page.”

Besides the NONEXISTENT route’s scheduled stops in Allentown and Philadelphia and scheduled breakdowns in Scranton and Wilmington, after a minor misunderstanding the driver reportedly tookDID NOT TAKE a 1,340 mile detour to Toledo, Ohio, aN UNcommon mixup for many shortline routes. When asked for comment about the delays, aNO Shortline representative replied: ”Fuck you, we’re Shortline. That’s why.”

At press time, Gladstone has reportedly learned herNO lesson about using American coach services, and has resolved from now on to spend the entirety of her breaks on spacious, stagnant Amtrak trains.


Martha Pollack Clarifies Fall Break Only Meant for Haircuts

DAY HALL—In a Friday morning press conference, University President Martha Pollack addressed the student body to reaffirm that the intended purpose of Fall Break is for students to go back home to get a haircut.

“I’ve overheard students discussing plans to take trips to Montréal, visit friends at other colleges, or stay on campus to catch up on sleep, and I just wanted to say that they have this all wrong,” stated a concerned Pollack. “To be clear, fall break is just for haircuts.”

The annual 4-day break, strategically positioned between Fall semester’s two other haircut opportunities of the school year’s start and Thanksgiving Break, was first prompted in 1944 by university administrators’ observations of male student’s uncertainty over how to procure a haircut in Ithaca.

“The boys always start looking shaggy about a month and a half in,” explained long-time Cornell librarian Gladys Kilbourne. “The break helps keep them looking fresh while sparing them from having to figure out small talk with an unfamiliar barber.”

Asked for comment, the men of Cornell agreed that they can probably skip the haircut this break and wait a few more weeks.

Sickly, Depressing Vegetation Lets Returning Student Know She’s Almost Back to Cornell After Break

NEW YORK INTERSTATE ROUTE 81–Noting the increasingly withered and gray vegetation outside the car window, Sarah Pewter ‘20 remarked to her friends that they must be nearing Ithaca on their return trip from Fall Break.

“Look at all the trees in that field that are all shriveled up and don’t have any leaves.” said Pewter, as the landscape of vibrant fall colors they drove by earlier pushed further back in the distance. “We must be almost there!”

Several of Pewter’s friends also chimed in on the scenery, noting that dark and ominous clouds coalesced overhead, and a melancholic aura had permeated the air and chilled each person to their core.

“It’s a great reminder to get back into a Cornell mindset,” added fellow passenger Jessica Chang ‘20. “Every time I’ve driven to back to college, no matter what road I take in, all all the scenery within a ten mile radius of Cornell takes on a uniquely dismal quality.”

The group of friends reported they knew just fifteen minutes were left in their journey when a lone wolf was heard howling forebodingly into the cold Central New York night.

Freshman Can’t Wait to Tell Parents About New Friends She’ll Drop Before Thanksgiving

CLARA DICKSON HALL—After having met so many people since arriving at college, Michelle Taylor ‘22 is reportedly dying to return to her hometown this Fall Break and tell her parents all about the new college friends who won’t be a part of her life in two months’ time.

“I’m so excited to tell them about exploring AppleFest with Jacob and Matthew, and that time I stayed up with Katherine and Julia, just talking all night,” said Taylor, who will no longer be spending time with any of those people by the next time she returns home. Taylor also said she also can’t wait wait to show her parents how her new friends already have an active GroupMe, which after January will only be used by Jacob, trying to sell tickets to his a cappella concert.

“It’s amazing how fast we’ve bonded!” Taylor plans to tell her parents, who will be so naive as to ask her for updates on those same friends during Thanksgiving dinner.

While Taylor is expected to lose touch with all of her current friends before next semester, she will still run into the boy she hooked up with once with during o-week every fucking day for the next four years.

Students Heading Home For Fall Break This February

BAKER FLAGPOLE – Trudging through the cold February flurries to the West Campus bus stop, hundreds of students are heading home for the long Fall Break weekend.

“My girlfriend and I were both too busy to actually be together on Valentine’s Day, so this Fall Break is our chance to make up for it. We’re going to New Orleans since Mardi Gras is right around the corner,” said Deren Franklin ‘19, who added that Fall Break would be a great time to go to some events for Black History Month.

“It’s also great that Fall Break is directly between Washington and Lincoln’s birthdays, because it gives us an extra few days to celebrate the great presidents, which is much-needed after the inauguration in January.”

Students also remarked that, as this is the shortest month of the year, it is important we take time during our Fall Break to enjoy it.