Nooz Staff October 9, 2019

Inflammatory Bowel Research Center Full of Shit

WEILL COLLEGE OF MEDICINE — A steaming report by the university’s Office of Research Integrity and Assurance found that the Jill Roberts Center for Inflammatory Bowel Disease has been spewing crap for years.

“We knew something stank in that institute,” said Juliet McCaughlin, Cornell’s ethics investigator. “As it turns out, those guys are neck deep in it. Hard as this is to digest, the fact remains that sometimes we need to stick our fingers in where they might not belong, no matter how much someone might resist, if we hope to get to that nugget of truth,” McCaughlin concluded. When asked how the university should go about responding to her probe, McCaughlin stated the only final solution would be to “flush everything out”

The Center’s Director, Dr. Sarah Shimarov MD ‘82, seems to think the university is pulling allegations out of its ass. “So what if we were dropping our kids off at the pool? What else are we supposed to use the Weill van for?” Shimarov asked irritably. Aside from the charge of misusing university property, the Jill Roberts Center faculty are also facing a charge of ethical violations in research—including exposing staff to noxious gases—which had to burn as it came out.

Critics argue that the University has been far too soft with the Center, which is accused of playing fast and loose with University Funding Allocation Guidelines.  “Our secrets are slipping out, and it’s getting really messy,” revealed Dr. Shimarov. “They’re just hard-asses, and jealous that we don’t have to work long, regular hours like they do. Sorry we don’t sit on our thrones for days on end.” An anonymous University source revealed that Center employees have closed ranks so tightly that no information is anticipated to escape any time soon.

At press time, the University assured that the Center’s funding has been blocked up. Barring some unplanned release, it seems the Jill Roberts Center has met a hot, sticky end.

 

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