Following Success of Fake Wedding, SAC to Host Fake Tear-Filled Screaming Match With Fake Child Cowering in Bedroom Wondering if It’s His Fault

DUFFIELD HALL—Following the high attendance and excitement at this past weekend’s Mock Shaadi, a fake wedding ceremony that incorporated elements from various South Asian cultures, the Cornell South Asian Council (SAC) plans on following the natural course of events in a marriage by hosting a mock altercation in which parents yell horrible things at each other within earshot of their terrified child.

The event will take place in Duffield Hall, supposedly so that any household objects thrown in frustration during the simulated feud can dramatically break the building’s large glass windows, drowning out the mock whimpers of a small child who will remember this moment for the rest of his life and forever carry inside of him a small part of imitation guilt and trauma over his parents’ broken relationship.

“Authenticity is really important to us,” said event coordinator Vikas Shah ‘23, speaking of the decision to have the mother call the father a “deadbeat loser who hangs out with his tramp coworkers all day and has no ambition.” “We wanted to create a truly toxic environment for a child to grow up in,” said Shah, gesturing to the 5-year old kid in the corner tasked with rocking back and forth on the floor with his blanket and softly crying, wondering if it’s his fault that mommy and daddy are fighting again.

To add to the festivities, food will be served at the event, including a slightly cold pizza ordered after the fight has died down, eaten in silence at the dinner table until one of the parents awkwardly clears their throat and asks their visibly distraught child how his day at school was.

After the mock screaming bout, the SAC has plans to simulate other key moments in a marriage, like when you fake a pregnancy out of fear that your high school Glee Club director husband will leave you otherwise, or when you find out that your husband is cheating on you with a younger woman, setting off your plot to frame him for your own murder while you flee across the country.

Nooz Explains: How To Ask Acquaintances Who Might Be A Narc If They Want to Take Online Prelim Together

Both beloved and hated, the online prelim represents the crosssection of two axioms all Cornell students know to be true: prelims fucking suck and everyone is cheating. Unique from other schools’ tawdry tests or even… exams, prelims are the true inquisition into the twenty-year-old student’s (who is intelligent but not too smart or they’d have attended Harvard) mind. Yet some evil, decrepit, no-good groups of students have the gall, nay shamelessness, to cheat on this hallowed tradition. 

That leaves each student with one option: How can I cheat with the smartest people I kind of know, without getting ratted out? Worry not, friend, for we are here to explain with a simple three-step plan for undetectable academic mischief: select a target, gaslight, and strike a deal.

The first step, target selection, is deceptively complex. See, we would all love to cheat off the smartest student in class, the one we all know is going to set the curve. But that person is almost certainly a narc, a teachers’ pet, or some sort of Machiavellian sadist who derives pleasure from learning. So cheat off the second or third smartest student in class, who knows the answers but is insecure enough to think giving you the answers might be worth it.

After separating the frailest genius from the herd, it’s time to gaslight. Casually drop into conversation your fictitious 4.33 GPA, perfect prelim scores, and glowing recommendations from past professors. Ask them their scores and scoff openly at anything less than a 96. You want to convince them that they need you, despite how absurdly obvious it may be that they do not. 

Once you have them believing that they will fail the next exam while you pass with flying colors, you’re ready to pop the question. Ask them if they would like to have you check over their answers, since they are so worried about doing poorly. You would be happy to help them out if they really want it. But what if they catch you, they ask? Risk means nothing to you if it means helping a friend in need. After that, you’re all set to mooch your way to academic success, and you got them to ask you with nothing more than your wits and some light psychological manipulation! Congratulations, you benevolent monster!

Report: Girlfriend Just “Thinks It’s Funny” That Tom Brady’s Retirement Got 3 Instagram Stories, But 6-Month Anniversary Got 1

COLLEGETOWN–It was a normal Tuesday night for Peter Graven and Sophia Morgan, both ‘23, as they spent their evening finishing some school work before catching up on the latest episode of Euphoria. Morgan was so enraptured by the neon depiction of teen opiate abuse that she barely noticed Graven spent most of the episode scrolling through his phone.

 It was not until the episode ended that Morgan checked her phone and noticed a notification that Graven had posted an Instagram story. Hoping he had taken a cute candid of her during their night in, she was reportedly taken aback when she saw the actual story. According to sources close to the situation, that was when the night took a turn.

“Dude, we were just chilling, and then out of nowhere, she starts bombarding me with questions, saying shit like ‘Why is it such a big deal that he’s retiring?’ and asking me if I even care about how she feels,” said Graven, before clarifying “All I did was throw up a story to thank the GOAT for his years dominating the game.”

Per sources, Morgan’s initial comment was that she “just thinks it’s funny” that Graven had made yet another Instagram story commemorating NFL star Tom Brady’s retirement. 

“It’s not the first time this has come up. That kid is on thin ice,” said Morgan’s roommate Heather Jones. “For her birthday a few weeks ago, he posted a blurry photo of them from a random day at like 11:45pm, but put up three college basketball highlights earlier during her birthday dinner.”

“I’m not crazy or anything,” said Morgan through clenched teeth, “I just think it’s kinda interesting that he’s posted about some football player calling it quits three times in the past week, but that he could only make one story for our six-month anniversary! He’s not even a Patriots fan!!”

When asked for further comment, Jones strongly suggested that the alignment of the Super Bowl and Valentine’s Day almost certainly be the nail in Graven’s coffin.

Construction of Incomprehensible North Campus Labyrinth Coming Along Smoothly

NORTH CAMPUS—In a bewildering display of competency on its construction sites, Cornell’s very own incomprehensible labyrinth has begun to take shape in the center of North Campus. While the creation of the impossible structure has been detrimental to student’s sleep schedules, with some freshmen complaining of ominous chanting and bulldozer noises at three in the morning, many North Campus residents are excited to witness the labyrinth’s final form.

“I thought it was a waste of tuition money for the first few weeks,” said Jameson Hall resident Maria Rivera ‘24. “I mean, all the pedestrian detours and warning signs were so well-marked, you can’t call that a maze. But tomorrow I took a wrong turn on my way to dinner, and I came out near the clocktower two weeks ago!” Ducking around to the side of RPCC to avoid being seen by her past self, she added, “If it’s this confusing already, I can’t wait to see it finished.”

Other survivors of the ever-evolving twisting halls have commended the construction team for their intense dedication to the aesthetic. Reports of the interior decorations have ranged from a garden of ancient Greek statues, a spiral staircase adorned with M.C. Escher paintings, and at least one bearded man in a wizard hat, who was overheard mumbling about being late to his D&D game.

The construction foreman, Dave Matthews, expressed his delight that the unlucky students trapped within the maze were enjoying the unfathomable experience. “So many people want to try and make labyrinths modern these days,” he said, shouting to be heard over the distant roar of a minotaur, “but you just can’t beat the classics!”

Despite the rumors circulating campus, Matthews refused to confirm whether David Bowie’s ghost had been summoned to haunt the center of the labyrinth in revealing leather tights.


‘I Love How I Can Wear Sweats in Class,’ Touts Tour Guide Who Feels Like Bedroom Walls Are Closing In On Her Whenever Alone

ARTS QUADDuring Cornell’s second virtual tour of the day, Eliza Ramirez ‘22 answered parent questions with only a hint of gritted teeth and forced smile. “Is college different now that we’re online?” she cheerfully repeated back to the Ohioan father of three, giving no indication of the dark, claustrophobic interior in which she is now confined. “Well, of course it is, and it’s definitely been a huge adjustment, but I still feel like I am getting the full Cornell experience!” 

“Well, maybe 87% of the Cornell experience,” she joked, making absolutely no mention of her lost sports seasons, date nights, and club socials. “The truth is, most things we do in person, we can do on Zoom! And so much more comfortablyI’ve worn sweats to class every day this week.” She did not reveal that she had been wearing those same sweatpants for five days straight.

According to Betty Flores, the mother of a potential student, Rameriz led the tour through a zoom call on her phone, criss-crossing Ho Plaza while chatting with potential students and their parents alike. “This campus is so gorgeous, and we’re so lucky that Cornell’s state-of-the-art testing protocols have allowed us to return here.” Rameriz conveniently left out the fact that she had not left her personal shoebox of stagnant air for three days prior to the tour.

“This is Cornell Health,” Rameriz noted, swiveling the camera behind her. “Anyone on Cornell’s Student Health Plan can get low-cost medical and mental health care here, though some services,” she added, with her voice only quivering slightly at the thought of her once-monthly 30-minute online therapy session, “have been moved online.”

The tour concluded by Agricultural Quad, where the tour-takers were lucky enough to see students enter Mann Library for their 3:30 classes. Rameriz took a second to commend Cornell students for their exceptional solidarity during this tough time. “We really decided, we’re a school, we’re a team, and we’re all in this together,” she finished with a smile, before taking a long, cold, walk back to her abode, where her roommates had yet again invited their whole sports team for a “kickback.”

OP-ED: These Bitch Ass Bees Keep Bothering Me While I Try to Eat

COLLEGETOWN BAGELS—Let me begin by establishing that I’m normally extremely easygoing. A friend is running late to a meetup? I understand. Got rejected from my dream job? Things happen. Nothing, however, has tested my patience as much as those buzzy little shits that refuse to stay away from my latest CTB California Sunshine bagel. 

I’m out here minding my own business, hoping to enjoy a toasted garlic-y, onion-y, bready delight. But right as I open my mouth to take a bite of this warm embrace of cheese and avocado, this bitch ass bee interrupts me. He’s trying to intercept me like the professional basketball player he most decidedly is not. At a table of four people, you really wanted to single me out, huh? What kind of damn call out is this? 

Frankly, I’m just a little taken aback by the audacity of these creatures to insert themselves where they are clearly not invited. As if their tiny ass mouths could even fit a crumb of my rosemary salt bagel in their feeding receptacles, if they even have ones. So what’s the point? Why are they doing this? Are they trying to starve me? Did my mom orchestrate this because she noticed I was “looking a little chunky” last time I visited? Did I ask them to invite themselves over and help themselves to my meal and my conversation? I think the fuck not. 

Has personal space become too much to ask for these days? It’s not that hard to occupy literally any other cubic foot of this outdoor air space. He needs to take a goddamn hint and politely piss the fuck off. All I’m asking is for the opportunity to get a bite in before my food gets cold. 

Pollack Rejects Code of Conduct Compromise Because She ‘Doesn’t Know What Bifurcated Means’

DAY HALL—Shortly after vetoing the University Assembly Codes and Judicial Committee’s recommended changes to the Student Code of Conduct, Martha Pollack explained her rationale, admitting she had no idea what a “bifurcated system of evidentiary standards” was. 

“I’m the President of Cornell, and that means I’m very smart. Therefore, if I don’t understand something it must be extremely complicated. The implementation of complicated things, frankly, is infeasible. That’s why I had to say no to the CJC’s new proposal,” said Pollack in an email to Professor Robert Howarth, Chair of The University Assembly.

In addition to confusion about the “bifurcated” nature of the system, Pollack also expressed puzzlement as to how evidence could “preponder” and outright bewilderment at the idea that proof itself could carry a burden. 

“Another problem is that there are way too many entities involved in this decision making process for me to keep track of,” added Pollack. “If I’m understanding correctly, in addition to University lawyers and administrative boards, we also have an OSA, a CJC, an OJA, a UA, and I think someone mentioned that we now have a PCP? We need to cut down on all of those so I can really get a grip on how we are going to decide who the bad boys and girls are.”

After her final expression of her general state of incertitude, Pollack clarified at the tail end of her email that none of her decision making was in any way connected with the concerns of the student body. “I’m too busy trying to decipher what all these legalistic and procedural terms are while simultaneously advancing investors’ interests over at IBM. I can’t be bothered to read some sophomore’s opinion column in the Daily Sun or whatever,” concluded Pollack


“Come On In!” Olin Librarian Encourages as Wrecking Ball Smashes Through Circulation Desk

OLIN LIBRARY — Librarians at Olin Library are reportedly still enthusiastic about getting students to use their library  despite current construction actively destroying their workplace..

“We’re really excited about the new renovations going on here,” said librarian Dana Holcomb ‘89, gesturing to the crushed wreck that once was the circulation desk. “Unfortunately, that does mean you may have to deal with some noise here and there  and of course the occasional truck backing through a wall. But this is hardly prohibitive—it’s really easy to dodge a rogue front end loader if you notice it far enough in advance.”

Although some have expressed concern about the disturbances caused by the updates to the library’s terrace, the staff maintains that Olin is still a great space for students to collaborate and study. “It’s still the same old Olin!” Holcomb shouted, straining to be heard above the jackhammer smashing a hole through the floor near the entrance.

Holcomb did acknowledge that some students find the agitated environment offputting. “Some students require some coaxing, but—oh shit, look out!” she yelled as a chunk of the ceiling crushed through the ground immediately next to her. After confirming that the floor would not collapse, Holcomb began to chuckle.

“It keeps you on your toes,” she said. “Who knew being a librarian would be such good exercise?”

At press time, Holcomb was seen fishing a Libe Cafe barista out of a recently-opened sinkhole.

Cornell Health to Renew Double Diamond Subscription to WebMD for Fiscal Year 2020

HO PLAZA—Cornell administrators announced Wednesday morning that the university will be renewing Cornell Health’s premium subscription to WebMD for next year. The online, publicly available health reference service has been the staff’s primary diagnostic tool for many years, according to university officials.

“Well, we can’t exactly ask the licensed staff members to know every single possible medical condition,” Cornell Health Director Amy Richards noted. “Do you know how hard that would be? It’s way easier to just use a freely accessible search engine that might get it right, like, some of the time.”

Students have really enjoyed the services at Cornell Health ever since they started relying exclusively on staff members’ ability to type symptoms into a search bar.

“I went in to get help with a tick bite,” commented Ajit Patel ‘21. “As it turns out, it wasn’t a tick bite at all! I had absolutely nothing to worry about, since the Google Image results looked only kinda like the thing on my arm. But the nurse practitioner did seem slightly concerned that I might have Eastern Equine Encephalitis because of my recent headaches.” 

Cornell’s pre-med population has benefited greatly from Cornell Health’s dependence on WebMD, too. “Yeah, I saw a physician’s assistant for a sore throat the other day,” said Miranda Mercado ‘22. “It was awesome! The PA showed me the search results for ‘sore throat’ and asked me to help him figure out what was wrong with me; I thought whooping cough sounded cool, so we went with that. Such good training for medical school!”

In addition to WebMD, Cornell Health plans on investing in more polio vaccinations, iron lungs, and iodine tablets—all those modern medical marvels for the peskiest of 21st century ailments.


Inflammatory Bowel Research Center Full of Shit

WEILL COLLEGE OF MEDICINE — A steaming report by the university’s Office of Research Integrity and Assurance found that the Jill Roberts Center for Inflammatory Bowel Disease has been spewing crap for years.

“We knew something stank in that institute,” said Juliet McCaughlin, Cornell’s ethics investigator. “As it turns out, those guys are neck deep in it. Hard as this is to digest, the fact remains that sometimes we need to stick our fingers in where they might not belong, no matter how much someone might resist, if we hope to get to that nugget of truth,” McCaughlin concluded. When asked how the university should go about responding to her probe, McCaughlin stated the only final solution would be to “flush everything out”

The Center’s Director, Dr. Sarah Shimarov MD ‘82, seems to think the university is pulling allegations out of its ass. “So what if we were dropping our kids off at the pool? What else are we supposed to use the Weill van for?” Shimarov asked irritably. Aside from the charge of misusing university property, the Jill Roberts Center faculty are also facing a charge of ethical violations in research—including exposing staff to noxious gases—which had to burn as it came out.

Critics argue that the University has been far too soft with the Center, which is accused of playing fast and loose with University Funding Allocation Guidelines.  “Our secrets are slipping out, and it’s getting really messy,” revealed Dr. Shimarov. “They’re just hard-asses, and jealous that we don’t have to work long, regular hours like they do. Sorry we don’t sit on our thrones for days on end.” An anonymous University source revealed that Center employees have closed ranks so tightly that no information is anticipated to escape any time soon.

At press time, the University assured that the Center’s funding has been blocked up. Barring some unplanned release, it seems the Jill Roberts Center has met a hot, sticky end.