Up Your Ass and Around the Corner: Finding your Classroom in Uris Hall

URIS HALL—In a non-stop crusade to find his FWS classroom, Davey Harris ‘27 has spent the past seven days living in the septic corridors of Uris Hall. Though his concerned peers have advised that he simply drop the course (and perhaps seek psychiatric help), Harris is determined to find UH249.

“I’ve circled this floor 1,643 times,” muttered a frenzied Harris, scribbling nonsensical lines on the wall with purple chalk. “I’m not crazy–I follow the room numbers: 245, 247, 251… but 249…249…” Harris scrambled on all fours to a nearby bulletin board and traced the QR code for Cornell in Washington with his fingertip. When asked about the QR code, Harris narrowed his eyes and hissed “it’s the map.” 

“He was so normal before,” wept Sally Ferrera 27′, a friend of Harris. “I just don’t understand why anyone would choose to put a class in that horrible building.” Sally paused before continuing: “I don’t even understand why they built that building. It looks like shit.”

Harris’ FWS professor, Denver Scotts, was surprised to hear his classroom was so hard to find. “It’s really not that complicated,” Scotts said. “You just enter the building, go up two floors, locate the ancient Tibetan gargoyle and place before him the cerulean herbal extract from the Pool of Arctic Tears, turn left, steal the golden fleece, and presto!”

Harris’ classmates have confirmed that these exact directions were on the syllabus, and that he should have paid closer attention.

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