Nooz Staff November 6, 2021

Absolutely Zero Chance Of McGraw Tower Catastrophically Falling Onto Ho Plaza And Rolling Down the Slope, Announces Administration In Unprompted Statement

MCGRAW TOWER—In response to a complete absence of student concern, Cornell administration announced this morning that there was absolutely no chance of McGraw Tower toppling down atop Ho Plaza before tumbling down the slope. The statement assured that such an event, which would transform the university’s iconic clocktower into a musical human steamroller, certainly would not occur.

“There is no reason for anyone to believe that they are in serious mortal peril simply by being near the clocktower,” stated Arnold Balmer, Cornell Chief of Construction, turning his head to glance at the tower after every few words. 

After one particularly strong gust of wind drifted over Ho Plaza, Balmer was seen sprinting away from the tower and diving headlong into a nearby bush. When questioned, he explained that this action was simply a routine inspection of the plaza’s landscaping, and that it had nothing to do with “that time telling death machine.” Balmer then cautiously returned to his post at the top of the tower, leaning out of a window with a broomstick and desperately swatting at approaching birds in an attempt to stop them from landing on the roof.

At the same time, a horde of university officials were seen pleading with students to vacate their spots on the slope in what they claimed was part of a new initiative to “have students visit places on campus that are not here.”

This morning’s statement was also accompanied by an update from President Pollack, announcing her visit to a Cornell sister university in Moscow in order to study their “fascinating and complex” extradition policies.

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