Martha Pollack, Giggling Uncontrollably, Orders Clock Tower Re-Reconstruction

ROBIN HILL—Students have enjoyed a Golden Age of mild, rather than crippling, inaccessibility on campus. Since the fall of the Kremlin’s Chain-Link Curtain, students have been free to travel between East Ho Plaza and West Ho Plaza. And yet, they remain ungrateful. Students continue to complain about permanently fenced-off walkways labeled “Temporarily Closed” and other active inconveniences. Amidst rising complaints, Cornell University has generously provided an update.

“Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!” chortled President Martha Pollack. She elaborates, doubled over with mirthful tears welling in her eyes, “Zort, zing, zoo-wee mama— I’m about to do the funniest thing of all time… Just imagine the look on their faces when they see what we have in store!”

Pollack was not, in fact, referencing the oodles of affordable Cornell memorabilia available for either an arm or kidney. Rather, she was alluding to the imminent re-reconstruction of McGraw Tower. For the preservation of such a historic site, Cornell University has determined that the previous attempt at reconstruction was inadequate and must be scrapped and redone.  

“It’s best that we start over,” Pollack explained. “I know that isn’t saying much because we spent all our time putting up scaffolding last time but trust me. We need completely new scaffolding. The old one won’t do. Truly, it’s best if we start over and spend another year on this. Maybe two…”

Turning away, Pollack let out one final guffaw and muttered “Money laundering is far easier when projects take longer, and I do need spinning rims on my car…but more importantly, the looks on their faces will be priceless!”

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