ITHACA– Reports are surfacing that on Sunday morning, current freshman Eric Holt woke up to find himself sleeping on a couch in his dorm’s lounge rather than in his bed. Within a few seconds of waking up, Holt remembered why: he had been sexiled, or sexually exiled, by his pre-frosh guest, Jonny Dixon. The…
ITHACA- Hillel’s RPCC Super Seder mostly went off Monday mostly without a hitch. However, reports are surfacing today that one of the afikomen, a piece of matzah set aside to be eaten after the meal, hidden at the seder still cannot be found. According to multiple sources, leader of seder table #3, Sarah Fried, disappeared for “quite some…
ITHACA- Following his completion of pre-enroll, varsity hockey player Tucker Maclin ’15, announced his excitement at the fact that next semester he will, like all previous semesters, be receiving a 4.0 GPA . This incredible feat will be accomplished while taking a substantial 18 credits, only having classes on Wednesdays, and with the stipulation that…
Cornell Dining announced earlier today that Okenshields greeter David Sepulveda, commonly known as “Happy Dave,” has elevated into a higher level of being. Having been happy for so long, he has developed an understanding of the universe incomprehensible to other humans. As a result, he has transformed into a creature of the higher dimensions. “Dave…
The National Weather Service has issued a severe weather warning to residents of Tompkins county due to high chances of what the fuck. Meteorologists say that during the coming days there is an 80% chance of bullshit, with a strong god dammit coming from the north at 12 mph. Temperatures will drop as low as…
ITHACA, NY – In a cross-department study performed by sociology professor Howard Lipton and tenured biology researcher Dr. Mangold Biggins, the longstanding Cornell practice of making eye contact on Ho Plaza has been deemed a certain cause of death. According to Lipton and Biggins, the human body goes into immediate cardiac arrest when even a…
NORTH CAMPUS- Upon tasting an alcoholic beverage for the first time, freshman Adrian Simmons was dismayed to find the taste very unpleasant. “Ugh, it’s like medicine,” said the Mews resident and California native, grimacing after his first sip of Svedka brand cherry vodka. “Why would people drink this? Do you guys have any soda? Or…
ITHACA, NY – Officials announced Tuesday that they plan to offer a different, individualized class in statistics for each of nearly 80 majors at the university. “Statistics is a diverse and important subject with applications in many fields,” said Dean of Students Kent Hubbell, who plans to teach ENGL 3100: Statistics for English Majors with…
ITHACA, NY- Dragons around the Tompkins County area have been expressing their excitement for Cornell’s upcoming annual Architect Day. Architect Day, started in 1901 by dragons wishing to make their presence more known on Cornell’s campus, involves students from the Art, Dragonry, and Planning School parading around the streets with a massive constructed architect. “Architect…
If you travel to Mexico, don’t forget to drink the water. Or if you travel anywhere. Or if you don’t travel at all. Water is essential no matter where you are. To avoid the pain of a nasty sunburn, remember to regularly use a liberal amount of Tequila. Apply directly to skin. To relax on…
