Op-Ed: If You Had a Creepy Skeleton Son That Won’t Stop Growing, You’d Advocate For Abortion Rights Too

As the wife of a former president who favors a national abortion ban, many people assume I am pro-life. Yet, before the Donald was president, I was simply the 3rd wife to an aging billionaire with terrible cholesterol and the mother to a scary blond swamp monster. 

            When my son was born, I was grateful he wasn’t a girl, so I wouldn’t have to worry about my husband wanting to date my child. I named him Barron because I knew, like his father, he would one day grow up to be a great exploiter of poor people, workers, and people of color alike. And grow, he did. Up and Up and Up until he was towering over me and smacking his head on the ceiling of the PJs. We had to buy an extra tall private jet just to accommodate him. Can you imagine? Oh and the food!

“feed me, Mother,” he would say. 

Do you have any idea how much it costs to feed a 6’9 teenager? He was scarfing down the Caviar and Lobster Thermidor faster than the Nannies and Private Chefs could cook it. And God forbid I try to get him to eat with the fine silver or diamond-encrusted silverware.

It was always: “Noooo, Mother, I want my gold spoon. Give me my gold spoon, Mother. None of that gold-plated crap either. I can tell when it’s the cheap stuff.”

          Look, I love my son—I really do—but I can’t Imagine putting an unwilling mother through the struggles and torments the Nannies and butlers—I mean Donald and me—have had to face. Look, I am not my husband. I see things differently and have my own thoughts, and sometimes, I SEE my son, and I THINK he is the Slenderman.

—Melania Trump is the Former First Lady of the United States and Current woman who would really love for her rich husband to die already.