HO PLAZA—Amid the Trump administration’s broad assault on university funding and institutional freedom, one sneezy group of Cornell students seeks to highlight an often overlooked aspect of this fight.
Allergic Cornellians Helping to Organize Outreach (ACHOO) claims that the current spike in environmental pollen allergens is a deliberate tactic of the Trump administration to obstruct their learning and make students unable to effectively organize.
“ACHOO!” said founder Matthew Witz ‘26 at a recent rally on Ho Plaza, apparently introducing the group to curious passers-by. After receiving blessings from the crowd, Witz continued, “For too long, we have suffered watery eyes and disruptive sneezes. For too long, our bags and backpacks have served as little more than oversized tissue boxes. No longer! ACHOO!”
In a Truth Social post, Trump denied the allegations, calling the student activist “SNEEZY MATTHEW” and highlighting his alleged role in lowering the price of tissues.
In related news, Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. recently announced a nationwide recall and investigation of Zyrtec, Allegra, and Benadryl for supposed links to ADHD and cancer.
