ARLINGTON, VA—Due to continued downsizing of the federal government, the Department of War has begun taking over many duties of the Department of Education. In their latest collaborative effort, the recent Iran endeavour has served to increase Americans’ waterway knowledge, along with whatever the Department of War wanted to accomplish. Iran was chosen in accordance…
Finally! After an agonizingly long winter, Spring has (sort of) sprung! I’m so excited to enjoy the warm weather and sunshine, picnic on the Arts Quad, and—most importantly—be free of that pesky Seasonal Affective Disorder that’s made the last six months of my life a living hell! Boy, oh, boy, I can’t wait to feel…
COMSTOCK HALL—Last week, Cornell received an OSHA complaint for improper use of personal protective equipment, following many students refusing to wear gloves in an Investigative Biology Laboratory. Some cite having a severe latex/nitrile allergy, others claim the glove sizes are woefully inadequate, and many blame it on an extreme downturn in pleasure. One student, Richard…
My friends call me delusional, but I know the truth: the girl in my 10:10 bio class likes me back. All she needs is that little push, y’know? So I got a candle from Target, some yarn from Michael’s, and some spices from the dumpster behind Qawah. I laid it all on my desk, pentagram…
DUFFIELD HALL—Many saintlike engineering students have had their virtuous reputations marred by unfounded accusations of immorality following a recruitment event hosted by Palantir at Cornell. These engineers have done nothing more than demonstrate their willingness to ignore ethics for a $200k starting salary. One attendee, Ceille Autê ‘27, who has never faced any kind of…
FEENEY WAY—Life as a Cornell upperclassman is filled with many burdens: increased academic responsibility, off-campus housing, and the agony of paying the TCAT bus fare. Only on weekends and weekdays after 6 PM are these disenfranchised students privy to the free rides that freshmen enjoy guiltlessly—and few are ever so lucky. Some students are quick…
COLLEGETOWN—Volleys of espresso shots pounded Qahwah House early Friday morning as CTB fired the opening salvos of a war that threatens to engulf the entire Collegetown restaurant scene. Bagelian President Augusto Brous declared war on Qahwah House soon after CTB’s armed forces launched their caffeinated attack. The invasion, dubbed Operation Panini Press, comes after a…
COCKTAIL LOUNGE—After a night of studying for Professor Palirello’s Static Dynamics class, students discovered that the professor who spent the entire semester single-handedly dismantling students’ GPA has a Wikipedia page that is “like, not even that long.” Mark Ostrovsky ‘28 said, “From the way he leaves homework comments, I expected to put my thumbs to…
NORTH CAMPUS—For Skylar Rawlins ‘29, joining a fraternity has always been the plan. For years, he’s looked forward to the camaraderie and lasting memories that brotherhood would instill in him. Now, however, it seems like he may be having second thoughts. Recent eyewitness accounts describe Rawlins as appearing severely injured, with a black eye appearing…
