SIGMA SIGMA THETA—As fraternities begin to scope out potential pledges, one campus fraternity – Sigma Sigma Theta – has devised a cunning strategy to turn the Jewish High Holidays into high recruitment yield.
Sigma Sigma Theta, Ithaca’s alleged supplier of snow even in the warmer months, has publicly announced that all “sugar” distributed at their events will now be “5787% kosher” according to an official statement released by chapter leadership.
“We want brothers of all religious persuasions to feel included in frat activities, especially baking,” remarked chapter President Cole Caine ‘27, amidst frequent sniffing. “After all, we have such an ample supply of flour, salt, and baking soda!”
“We’ve even had a rabbi come and certify it,” says Vice President Robert “Bloody Nose Bob” Ferguson ‘28. “He gave it a smell and said it was fantastic!” The rabbi was later seen rocking back and forth on a park bench with dilated pupils.
“You know, we’re really trying to leave our past behind us. The new Theta is going to be a religiously accommodating force for good,” remarked Caine, who failed to mention the fraternity’s 15 previous arrests for drug trafficking. When asked about his reported connections to Penn State kingpin Agostino “Pablo Pledgescobar” Abbatiello, Caine simply sniffed, sniffed again, and said he “hardly knew the guy.”
Rush Hashanah!: Fraternity Acknowledges High Holidays by Ensuring All Cocaine is Kosher
