Campus

Housing Department Under Fire For Hasty Response To Ganędagǫ: Mice Despite Complete Silence Concerning Low Rise Seven Vampire Bats

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

LOW RISE SEVEN—The University Housing Department faced criticism this past week for their rapid action regarding rodents in Ganędagǫ: Hall as they continued to ignore the rampant infestation of bloodsucking vampire bats throughout Low Rise 7. The host of flighted mammals have reportedly occupied the dilapidated residence hall for several months without any university intervention….

Shocking! White Guy Wearing A “This Is What An Engineer Looks Like” Shirt Isn’t Technically Doing Anything Wrong

Nooz Staff4 years ago04 mins

Last Monday, Jackson Carter ‘25 surprised his introductory Physics zoom lecture with an inspiring new T-shirt choice: one of the “This Is What An Engineer Looks Like” shirts given out by the College of Engineering. “At first, I wondered why this idiot had his camera on in a 300 person lecture,” classmate Samantha O’Neill ‘25…

CAPS Recommends Students Take a Gap Year In Between Lectures to Improve Mental Health

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

CORNELL HEALTH—In a surprising display of thoughtfulness from Cornell’s mental health services, CAPS has begun to suggest that overwhelmed students take a year off in between every lecture. “We see so many kids needlessly stressing out about their grades, and the pandemic, and literally everything else,” says counselor Matthew Greene. “It’s a good idea for…

Econ Student Condescendingly Explains Why We Can’t Just Print More Big Red Bucks

Nooz Staff4 years ago04 mins

STATLER HOTEL—When a date at Terrace led his girlfriend to ask why administration simply couldn’t increase the number of Big Red Bucks included in meal plans, one Cornell Econ student burst into a histrionic rant that this would surely cause the destruction of the Cornell economy. “Of course they can’t just print more BRBs, sweetie,”…

Campus to Introduce Permanent Patch Of Dirt With A Few Trucks On It

Nooz Staff4 years ago4 years ago03 mins

ARTS QUAD—In an announcement that sent shockwaves throughout campus, President Martha Pollack unveiled construction plans for a new dusty home for minimally labeled and questionably permitted trucks in the middle of the arts quad. “We really wanted to spruce up the place,” wrote Pollack in her Monday morning email, “I kept looking at all that…

Lack of Women’s Restrooms In Hollister Gentle Little Reminder of Our Place In Society

Nooz Staff4 years ago4 years ago02 mins

HOLLISTER HALL—Despite recent efforts to become more diverse and inclusive of women, the College of Engineering has made sure to keep the women’s restroom options limited in Hollister Hall as a friendly reminder of our place in society. “One of the things that drew me to Cornell was how welcoming it was, especially for women…

OP-ED: My Hand Brushed Against Another Student’s In Okenshields, Should I Get Married Or Contact Traced?

Nooz Staff4 years ago04 mins

OKENSHIELDS 一 Let me paint you a picture. There I am, alone, in Okenshields on a Tuesday night, preparing for a hearty meal in the line for stir fry and rice. My mind is wholly on food, and I am ravenous. My plan, executed to perfection numerous times hence, is to grab my meal, retreat…

Bold Champion of Health and Safety Gives Courageous Glare to No-Masker

Nooz Staff6 years ago02 mins

HO PLAZA—Hoda Dabiri ‘23 took a fearless stand in the name of health and wellness when she lightly furrowed her brow at a mask-less passerby while walking to her only in-person class this Thursday. “I definitely considered saying something, but I decided against it,” said the breathless defender of the campus community. “Instead I just…

Redditor Roommate Now An Epidemiologist

Nooz Staff6 years ago6 years ago03 mins

WEST CAMPUS—To the displeasure of his roommates, enthusiastic Redditor Alexander Nettle ‘22 returned to campus armed with months of reddit-conducted COVID research. When his roommate asked him what the highlight of his summer was, Nettle launched into a lengthy commentary on COVID-19. “This all happened because Americans don’t understand exponential growth. If I were President,…

“I’m Really Worried About Coronavirus,” Says Student Who Literally Drank Piss During Rush

Nooz Staff6 years ago02 mins

STATLER HALL—As concern mounts over the spread of the 2019 Novel Coronavirus, Jonah Frayer ’23 has been telling everyone he knows about the hygiene issues that led to the virus’s spread, despite drinking actual human urine during this semester’s rush festivities. “It’s such a crisis. The incubation period is a couple weeks, so anyone could…

“What Are You Talking About? Slope Day Just Happened”: Administration Tries New Tactic After Failing to Source Replacement Artist

Two Birds, One Stone! Jerry from Craigslist Booked as Slope Day Headliner, Convocation Speaker

Circle of Elders Regales Freshmen With Stories of the Before-Times When the Clocktower Was Free

Girl Power! Group of Girlies Take Elevator Up to 7th Floor of Olin

EDITORIAL | Nooz Will Endorse You For Student Assembly, Dependent On How Willing You Are To Push Our Interests

“Hi, Mind If We Ask You a Quick Question?” Admitted Student’s Family Member Somehow Inside of Your Room

Housing Department Under Fire For Hasty Response To Ganędagǫ: Mice Despite Complete Silence Concerning Low Rise Seven Vampire Bats

Shocking! White Guy Wearing A “This Is What An Engineer Looks Like” Shirt Isn’t Technically Doing Anything Wrong

CAPS Recommends Students Take a Gap Year In Between Lectures to Improve Mental Health

Econ Student Condescendingly Explains Why We Can’t Just Print More Big Red Bucks

Campus to Introduce Permanent Patch Of Dirt With A Few Trucks On It

Lack of Women’s Restrooms In Hollister Gentle Little Reminder of Our Place In Society

OP-ED: My Hand Brushed Against Another Student’s In Okenshields, Should I Get Married Or Contact Traced?

Redditor Roommate Now An Epidemiologist

“I’m Really Worried About Coronavirus,” Says Student Who Literally Drank Piss During Rush