Morrill Hall—During his Introduction to Anthropology discussion section earlier this week, Kevin Quoc ‘22 reportedly veered off-track from the assigned readings and began a line of inquiry closely drawing on an episode of the hit History Channel show, “Ancient Aliens.” When the TA asked if anyone had questions about the migration patterns discussed in lecture…
COLLEGETOWN—Students were shocked to discover this week that it takes 3 months to get a table at “Group Therapy Thursday” at local watering hole Hideaway. The weekly drink special is popular with Cornell students looking to unwind from the stress and anxiety of school. It came as a painful surprise this Thursday when Cornellians, very…
COLLEGETOWN PLAZA—After weeks of anticipation for being able to complain to everyone she talks to about the upcoming Slope Day artist, EDM fan Tina Neves ‘20 was devastated to learn the concert will be headlined by Steve Aoki, an artist she is actually excited to see. “I can’t fucking believe the Slope Day Committee screwed…
PHI ZETA BETA NU HOUSE — At 1:39 p.m. this Sunday in a warm living room, Lizzy Samuels ‘17 gave birth to 19-year-old Erica Derraugh, the newest addition to the Mystical Lineage of Phi Zeta Beta Nu, Gamma Lamma Chapter. But to everyone’s horror, Samuels soon began to doubt whether her little was truly to…
ITHACA CITY HALL — Clad in his signature pitch-black leotard and sporting a headband with his logo on it, Ithaca Mayor Svante “The People’s Champion” Myrick announced an ongoing campaign to viciously elbow-drop the problems facing Tompkins County residents. “Yeah, choke slamming the growing heroin epidemic was just the beginning,” declared the People’s Champion, pausing…
FALL CREEK GORGE — The Cornell Convocation Committee announced that actor and filmmaker James Franco will speak at the 2016 graduation ceremony as a consolation after he had been trapped in a gorge for 127 hours and rescued earlier today. “We thought it was horrible that Mr. Franco’s arm had been caught under a rock…
PHILADELPHIA — A student at the University of Pennsylvania has reportedly been making bold claims that “UPenn studnets r superiur 2 cornell,” communicating his message through the online comments section of the school’s student newspaper, The Daily Pennsylvanian. “Ya most cornel kids go ther for hotel mangament and state schole,” said acclaimed critic of Cornell…
TRIPHAMMER ROAD — A coalition of fraternities has purchased a tanker truck of beer to be shared among Cornell’s frats during pledge season. This unprecedented effort will save thousands of dollars on the millions of gallons of beer that the frats collectively purchase during the semester. “I know this is sorta making history, and it…
BECKER DINING HALL — In a new move to encourage the naughty children not to eat in a most rapacious manner, Cornell Dining will begin the new “All We Allow You to Eat” meal plan this semester. Under the restrictive dining option, only one bowl of gruel shall be appropriated to each boy and girl,…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL — Slope Day Programming Board announced yesterday over Facebook that Walk the Moon would perform only covers of songs by the late rapper 2Pac for this year’s Slope Day concert. “We sent out a survey last semester” said a spokesperson for SDPB, “and some number of students wanted another rapper, but some…
