WASHINGTON D.C.—The actions of the Trump administration have left many federal workers confused and anxious about their futures. With previously indispensable positions being eliminated left and right, even those in seemingly stable fields have started to worry. For the first time, Andy Galeano of the Department of Job Stability and Secure Income has started to…
CENTRAL CAMPUS–Amid President Donald Trump’s virulent nationwide campaign against policies favoring Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion, a surprising group of students have elected to take a stand, accepting Dylan Hanson ’26 into their ranks. “We normally hold our members to extraordinarily high standards,” stated Cornell Republican spokesperson Andrew Baskin ‘25. “They must simultaneously claim to be…
GULF OF MEXICO—Since his return to office, President Donald Trump has issued dozens of executive orders, demanding everything from the end of birthright citizenship to withdrawal from various international agreements. On Friday, the President took things a step further, signing an order entitled “Protecting America From Invasion By Meddling Foreign Drafts and Moistures”, which aims…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Frank Rosen ‘25 delivered a speech to an emergency session of the Student Assembly regarding the calamitous prelim grade dropped on a Cornell sophomore earlier today. “Today, December 7, 2024—a date which will live in infamy—Eddie Kimmel ‘27 was suddenly and deliberately attacked by the TAs and professor of MATH 2130. “Kimmel was…
ITHACA, NY—Tuesday’s election exposed a number of shortcomings in Republican incumbent Marc Molinaro (5’7”) when he fell short of being reelected by a number of votes and inches. Noted DC insider Josh Riley (6’7”) ran a successful campaign that rose above partisan differences, and Marc Molinaro (5’6”). “I wasn’t originally going to vote for Riley…
WASHINGTON, DC—A nationwide lurch to the right has secured a second term for former president Donald Trump. Suburban swing voters like homemaker Brittney White of Doylestown, Pennsylvania, were an important part of Trump’s winning coalition. White, who voted for President Biden in 2020, explained that although Trump has promised to govern as “a dictator,” the…
