WASHINGTON, D.C.—The first ten months of Trump’s second term have seen numerous slashes to purported “DEI” programs. Federal funding has been cut, companies have pared back or renamed their inclusivity efforts, and universities have had to scale down programs to keep federal support. Now, another American tradition is coming under the Trump administration’s scrutinized eye:…
WASHINGTON D.C.—In an official statement from the White House this past Sunday, President Donald Trump completely denounced the consumption of pork, claiming he will “never eat a smidge of delicious, juicy, er–I mean DISGUSTING pork again.” This puzzling move has been viewed by many as a publicity stunt, specifically for the purpose of impressing NYC…
WASHINGTON, DC—During an Oval Office press conference with Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman last week, President Trump fired back at a journalist’s question about the Middle Eastern leader’s role in the 2018 murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. “You’re mentioning somebody that was extremely controversial,” Trump replied, referring to Khashoggi. “A lot of people didn’t…
DAY HALL—Amid fallout from the most recent release of documents which further confirm President Trump’s ties to the convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, Cornell President Michael Kotlikoff faces a dilemma regarding the recent deal the university concluded with the federal government. As part of the agreement, Kotlikoff and a guest received round-trip airfare and a…
WASHINGTON, DC—The House Oversight Committee released thousands of emails from the estate of deceased child trafficker Jeffrey Epstein last week, including one that refers to “photos of Trump blowing Bubba,” speculated to be a reference to former President Bill Clinton. While Trump and prominent Republicans attempted to deflect from further confirmations that Trump was aware…
Terms of the agreement: Clause I: Carnelian Red MAGA hats to be sold at Cornell Store Clause III: Kotlikoff must trade blue Fruit Roll-Up for banana left in bottom of Trump’s lunch box Clause VI: Touchdown the Bear required to assist in ICE arrests Clause VIII: All University Communications will henceforth and From Now On…
NEW YORK, NY—As the New York City mayoral race heats up, former governor and current mayoral candidate Andrew Cuomo was spotted outside a Bronx bodega Monday morning, whispering “bacon, egg, and cheese” under his breath like a Gregorian chant in what witnesses describe as “a deeply unsettling display of cultural assimilation,” just minutes before his…
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Millions of Americans joined No Kings protests across the country on Saturday to demonstrate nonviolently against the Trump administration. While record-breaking turnouts from Ithaca to the nation’s capital were one encouraging sign of growing anti-fascist coalition, even more impressive was participants’ fervent desire to put on the greatest talent show this nation has ever…
ROCKEFELLER CENTER, NY—While mayoral candidates Zohran Mamdani and Andrew Cuomo battled over topics ranging from the housing crisis to the Israel-Hamas war in Thursday’s debate, Curtis Sliwa engaged in a battle of his own over the war-torn Western Front. At the start of the debate, Cuomo and Mamdani wasted little time launching into a heated…
MORRISON DINING—After several tense days of negotiations and numerous attempts to sustain operations, the Morrison soft-serve dessert station has shut down. Talks between Cornell Dining and Dole Food Company collapsed early Monday morning, and the Dole Whip dispenser officially shut down at midnight. According to a Cornell Dining staff member, speaking on the condition of…
