Student Life
Okenshields Fork Crust Applauded for Contributions to Biodiversity Research
OKENSHIELDS—In a discovery that shocked the Cornell scientific community, researcher Monica Pondey found the Ecology department’s next major breakthrough as it was mere seconds away from being plunged into her Friday lunch. “Based on the color or texture I was about to eat either mac and cheese, stir fry, or soup,” recalled Pondey. “Nevertheless, inspiration…
Report: No Way Ice Cream Hard Enough to Justify How Long Guy Ahead of You Has Been Scooping
FLORA ROSE HOUSE—After taking several minutes to reach the front of the ice cream line at a busy dinner Sunday night, Sarah Weinberger ‘28 was forced to wait further as the patron in front of her took what experts are calling an “unjustifiably long” time to get his dessert. “It was terrible. He just kept…
Puffer Jacket in Heels Excited to Hit the Town
COLLEGETOWN—As Ithaca faces one of its coldest winters in recent history with temperatures reaching terrible numbers such as 2, or in some cases 1, many are opting to spend their nights indoors. Even the most winter-hardened students who hail from the chilly north have surrendered to the frigid weather, and the once bustling and vibrant…
Social Climber Friendliest Guy at Lindseth
BARTELS HALL—Alexander Pope ‘28, a self-identified social climber, is turning heads at Lindseth Climbing Center with his friendly demeanor. “Climbing is better with buddies!” remarked the beaming sophomore transfer, dusting his chalky hands on a pair of well-worn sweatpants. “I’ve been climbing since the fourth grade, and the thing that always keeps me coming back…
U.S. Special Forces Seize Oil-Rich Morrison Stir Fry
MORRISON DINING—Elite soldiers from the U.S. Army’s Delta Force captured an unknown quantity of oils, sauces, and udon noodles in a daring pre-dawn raid on Morrison Dining’s West Side Grill Wednesday morning. Shortly before 9:00 a.m., President Trump posted a picture of the seized foodstuffs on Truth Social. This official acknowledgement of American military action…
Angsty Student Body Clearly Has Study Period
MANN LIBRARY— University staff may have noticed that students have recently become more fatigued, irritable, and emotionally volatile. A new research investigation provides an answer while putting a new spin on the term big red. “It’s a phenomenon called study period, where the student body sheds their outlining to expel final papers and exams, leading…
Olin Elevator Dead at Level B
OLIN LIBRARY—The left elevator in Olin Library, a beloved campus fixture, was found dead at Level B on Wednesday, according to an email sent by Cornell Administration. The elevator lived a long life dedicated to service, ushering thousands of students to Olin’s many floors. Students have already begun to feel its absence, especially during such…
Fatass Inducted Into Dining Hall of Fame
MORRISON DINING—Last week, a feasting legend was immortalized in the rafters of Morrison Dining as Clark Ewers (5’11”, 342 lbs) was officially inducted into the Dining Hall of Fame (DHOF). Ewers’ illustrious career includes two MVP (Most Valuable Porker) awards, seven First Team All-Plump selections, a Rookie Eater of the Year title, and the coveted…
“Just Happy to Help”: Dud Brother Unloads Dishwasher
A CHILDHOOD HOME—Hosting Thanksgiving is an all-hands-on-deck affair. Mother of three Linda Lewis is especially grateful for how her adult children have stepped up and lent a helping hand to the preparations. Eldest daughter Anna picked up relatives from the airport and went grocery shopping, youngest child Sylvia deep-cleaned the living room and kitchen, and…