“Hey! Do You Hate Your Life Too?”: Project Team Gauges Interest

ENGINEERING QUAD—With a new class of bright-eyed first-years settling into Cornell, the University’s many student organizations are seizing new recruitment opportunities. Project team members, in particular, have pounced at the chance to contact human life, move their limbs, get fresh air, et. cetera. “Hey! Do you share your life, too?” asked Dalia Good ‘26, an…

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Foolish Idiot 12-Year-Old Hasn’t Started Thinking About Junior Year Collegetown Lease

ITHACA MIDDLE SCHOOL—As he begins the seventh grade, little twelve-year-old Jamie Griffin ‘34 comes home to his parents’ house after a long day of school, blissfully unaware that his options for junior year housing in Collegetown are filling up fast. This stupid pea-brained idiot hasn’t even begun his apartment search, and the dumbass needs to…

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Nooz Explains: 15 Exciting Ways to Set Off the Fire Alarm at 2:30 in the Goddamn Morning

TONI MORRISON HALL—Tired of losing sleep because some dipshit in your dorm forgot to take their popcorn out of the microwave? Worry not! The CU Nooz editorial team has assembled a list of wacky new arson alternatives for those pertinacious pyromaniacs—so next time you’re startled awake by a blaring siren in the middle of the…

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Higher Education Under Attack? My Eyes Itch and I Can’t See the Board

HO PLAZA—Amid the Trump administration’s broad assault on university funding and institutional freedom, one sneezy group of Cornell students seeks to highlight an often overlooked aspect of this fight. Allergic Cornellians Helping to Organize Outreach (ACHOO) claims that the current spike in environmental pollen allergens is a deliberate tactic of the Trump administration to obstruct…

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Two Birds, One Stone! Jerry from Craigslist Booked as Slope Day Headliner, Convocation Speaker

ALLENTOWN, PA—University officials announced Monday afternoon that they had selected a powerhouse performer to serve as both Slope Day headliner and Senior Convocation speaker; the individual’s availability was confirmed via Craigslist. The heavy-hitter in question, Jerry Ferguson, hails from Allentown, PA and—according to his Facebook profile—is an “aspiring 29-year-old musician with mad guitar Skillz”. On…

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“Hi, Mind If We Ask You a Quick Question?” Admitted Student’s Family Member Somehow Inside of Your Room

MORRISON HALL—As admitted students excitedly rove around campus, eager to learn more about their future home of four years, their families are left with nothing to do except pester the innocent passersby with unanswerable questions. These family members are dedicated to their pursuit, stopping current students anywhere they possibly can, at any and all hours…

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