GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — Huddled around a laptop streaming Young Thug’s song F Cancer to fully understand the meaning of the rapper’s lyrics, English Professors discovered that the lyrics to his songs are a masterpiece of poetry, brilliantly summarizing the human condition. “Mr. Thug brilliantly works in themes of perseverance in the face of adversity…
OKENSHIELDS – Citing multiple instances of muffled sobbing, exasperated gasps, and flat out bawling, Okenshields employees are reportedly unsure how to deal with most patrons crying directly into their make-your-own salads. “Um, I mean I just kind of refill the spinach when it gets pretty low, but I feel like I should definitely be doing…
PHILADELPHIA — A student at the University of Pennsylvania has reportedly been making bold claims that “UPenn studnets r superiur 2 cornell,” communicating his message through the online comments section of the school’s student newspaper, The Daily Pennsylvanian. “Ya most cornel kids go ther for hotel mangament and state schole,” said acclaimed critic of Cornell…
IVES HALL—Newly matriculated ILR freshman Gabe Kowalsky ‘23 is psyched out of his goddamn mind for Labor Day. “Are you kidding? I live for this shit! Viva la Revolución, fuckers!” yelled Kowalsky outside the empty ILR Dean Suite. “This is why I love ILR: everyone’s undying support for the proletariat,” Kowalsky added with an echo…
OLIN LIBRARY—With the end of the school year quickly approaching, many students have begun to write their final papers. Unfortunately, this endeavor has not been completely successful in every case. “There’s all this hype about L-DOC that I just don’t understand,” said Josh Richards ‘26. “I have a 30-page paper on Tibetan Buddhism due tonight,…
With Spring break coming up next week, let’s take a look at the best places to vacation with your friends. Or, if you’re trying to escape your troubled past at all costs, we included some places that are good for that, too. Cancun, Mexico – With miles of gorgeous beaches, stunning scenery, and friendly locals,…
LINDEN AVE—Following his imminent graduation in December, senior Parker Samuels ‘18 will gain valuable real-world experience in being unemployed. “There seems to be a stigma attached to having no job lined up,” observed Samuels. “But just like other post-grad plans, being unemployed is a full-time commitment.” The early grad added that with four years of…
WEST CAMPUS—In response to the recent news that the Ithaca COVID levels have dropped to the point that campus may now return to Green status, several fraternities across campus have expressed concern that this will reflect negatively on Cornell’s Greek life. “Okay, we’re obviously stoked we can go out again, but we hardly had a…
IVES HALL—In an unexpected Valentine’s twist, Cornell’s Perfect Match team managed the impossible by matching every Industrial Labor Relations Student together into one loving collective bargaining unit. “I can’t wait to ask all 1,000 of my new matches out on a first date!” exclaimed Richard Lunka ‘24. “I have so many romantic ideas for us…
We Would Be Together (Which Would Get Me A Lot Of Clout With My Friends Because They Respect Authority) And Imagine The Recognition Walking Around The Arts Quad And Some Gov Major Sees Us And Asks “Isn’t That Ryan Lombardi, Vice President Of Student and Campus Life Of Cornell University And Oversees Over 1,200 Staff…
