FALL CREEK GORGE — The Cornell Convocation Committee announced that actor and filmmaker James Franco will speak at the 2016 graduation ceremony as a consolation after he had been trapped in a gorge for 127 hours and rescued earlier today. “We thought it was horrible that Mr. Franco’s arm had been caught under a rock…
COLLEGETOWN– It was a typical afternoon for Bradley Worcestershire IV, ‘23 when a trip for a salted caramel frappuccino came to halt upon discovering that the Starbucks on College Ave was closed due to an ongoing labor strike being waged by its workers. “It was odd, bro. I couldn’t really get why the workers were…
BECKLEY, WV—Remarking, “Isn’t that just something,” hometown resident and former classmate Ethel Dinah expressed her disbelief that despite your educational pedigree, you are both employed by the same Little Caesar’s off Main. “You were so proud of getting into that high class school in New York–what did you say it was called again, Columbia? Well,…
North Campus — In a press conference today , President Skorton announced his decision to change up the lines separating Cornell’s Campus to make Balch Residential Hall part of Central Campus. Skorton argued that this move would significantly improve campus life. “Many people are concerned that most residential halls are too far away from the…
BARTON HALL — The CUPD announced last Friday that they have successfully eliminated the word “assault” from their vocabulary. “We’re pleased to announce that we have successfully removed the word “assault” from all of our written and verbal interactions, both within the department and with the public,” explained spokeswoman Ginette Vargas. “We’re also pleased to…
COLLEGETOWN — In recognition of Yom Kippur, the annual Jewish holiday of atonement during which followers often fast for a full 24 hours, Cornell student Isaac Rosen ’18 has decided to refrain from eating and reflect on the fact that he doesn’t really have any food in his house anyway. “I’m so proud to continue…
IVES HALL – Following a poor grade on his latest ILR prelim, Lenny Holt ’18 was reported as feeling surprisingly okay, under the realization that a bad grade wasn’t going to ruin his life and there were worse situations to be in. Given this new perspective, Holt allegedly went on to take a deep breath…
COLLEGETOWN — Following Cornell’s loss to Dartmouth, ending their streak as the top Ivy League football team, fans no longer feel committed to their weekly Google search to check the game results. “I got a whole lot more involved in the football scene this semester than I have in past seasons,” said Amy Nodir ‘18,…
MANN LIBRARY- Students across campus have been hard at work preparing for the upcoming prelim in GOVT 4330: Intro to ‘House of Cards,’ oftentimes spending many consecutive hours watching the most recent season of the Netflix original drama. “I’ve been so busy this week with all my classes. I had to watch six episodes of…
AG QUAD — Sneaking out of her room every night without waking up her roommate, Michaela Roth, ’20, has been traversing the path to return to the same Mann. “I’ve had so much work lately, and it’s just so comforting to be there with him. I mean in him. In Mann,” says Roth. The freshman…
