ARTS QUAD — Panic quickly spread Tuesday when it dawned upon quad-goers that, oh dear lord, John’s going to attempt to throw the frisbee overhand. “Hey, check this out!” yelled the ambitious freshman as he cocked his arm behind his head, unknowingly putting several passing students at risk of bodily harm. Having never witnessed such…
As students prepare for another stressful round of preliminary and midterm exams, Gannett Health Services has released a new initiative to boost mental health on campus. Some tips laid out include: 1. Just relax and breathe. We are all part of a finite blip within the cosmic nothingness of existence. 2.Enjoy the scenic campus of…
Being the leader of a group of pedestrians arriving at a crosswalk comes with immense responsibility, one that many Cornellians seem unfathomably unaware of. It is the civic duty that upholds the balance and integrity of the transportation system, and in turn, all of civilization: pressing the crosswalk button. There’s no denying the gravity of…
DAY HALL – In response to a major push at Cornell toward forming the first graduate student union in the school’s history, Interim President Hunter Rawlings III sent an email out earlier today warning the university that unionizing would offer Masters and PhD students a brief glimmer of hope and happiness unseen since beginning their…
Critical reports from fraternity brother Steve Alders revealed that the girl across the room at Dunbar’s is “an 8 for Cornell, but a 6 in the real world.” Alders, a clear and objective arbiter of beauty, further explained that the relative attractiveness of a woman was in fact, a geographically based phenomenon. The 20 year-old…
ARTS QUAD—Hear ye! Hear ye! I come bearing grand news of the Cornell Maker Faire! Come one, come all! Listen well, students of Cornell University! Come hither to the Cornell Maker Faire, the 29th of April, in the 2017th year of our lord, and be amazed! Pray tell, hast thou ever lay’d eyes upon such…
COLLEGETOWN—Brad Michelson ‘23 has recently taken steps to make his fellow Introductory Economics students aware of the fact that he and his girlfriend regularly engage in sex. As Michelson and his girlfriend, Anita Kripke ‘23, can no longer terrorize Temple of Zeus go-ers with their self-made softcore porn due to social distancing and face covering…
STOCKING HALL—Despite having several prominent research groups and dozens of noteworthy undergraduates, the Cornell Food Science department continues to emphasize the almost 60 year old invention of the chicken nugget. “We stake our pride on Professor Robert C. Baker’s work so many years ago to develop one of America’s most prized forms of poultry consumption,”…
NOOZ VIEWZ | The Editorial Board Endorses John McNair This weekend, hundreds of high-achieving high-schoolers, as well as low-achieving high-schoolers under a lot of parental pressure, descended on campus. They have aspirations of coming together to solve pressing global issues like hunger, poverty, and some of that icky tricky Middle-East stuff at the annual Model…
