In a leak of confidential documents released by an unknown source, Cornell secret society Quill & Dagger has been found to be a musical theatre and dance troupe. The society, which has been at Cornell since its founding in 1893, is known for tapping influential members on campus like athletes, club presidents and Mezzo-Soprano singers….
David Gonzales has high aspirations come June 2014. Gonzales, a senior in the school of Industrial & Labor Relations, is “very excited” to embark on the path to becoming an HR professional, an achievement he claims was 21 years in the making. The ILR school is most famously know for teaching its students to read…
THURSTON AVENUE—Partygoers were perplexed when Phi Alpha Rho doorman Terrance Robinson ‘25 asked them if they had three brothers before admitting them to the event. “I think the guy was kinda in over his head,” said attendee Jared Carlson ‘24. “I thought I’d misheard [Robinson] at first, but he was insistent that I tell him…
LINCOLN HALL—Fall semester is a time of change for many students looking to abandon their old personalities like a shriveled, molted skin. For Mikey Linderman ‘27, this meant leaving behind his bonk-honking band family for a new hum-bumming a cappella family. “When I was a freshman, I was enticed by those seductive bing-bongs and wump-wumps,…
In a noble effort to be inclusive of individuals from a wide range of backgrounds, the Cornell Office of Academic Diversity Initiatives is beginning to support students who identify as members of the campus hookup culture. “Our mission is to include all underrepresented minorities and have students from different heritages excel,” said a spokesman from…
BAILEY HALL—Conservative commentator and host of the Daily Wire Ben Shapiro was spotted on campus this morning preparing for tonight’s speaker event. While left-wing students prepare for his audacious and rapid-fire debating style, they might not expect his rumored secret weapon: consuming motor oil. “I first learned about this technique while rapping,” squealed Shapiro last…
My friends call me delusional, but I know the truth: the girl in my 10:10 bio class likes me back. All she needs is that little push, y’know? So I got a candle from Target, some yarn from Michael’s, and some spices from the dumpster behind Qawah. I laid it all on my desk, pentagram…
BURBANK, CA — After a hearty Christmas Eve dinner, Cornellians everywhere will be cozying up in front of their televisions tonight to watch the world premiere of the holiday special “A Very Cornell Christmas,” on ABC at 9:00 PM EST. The story of “A Very Cornell Christmas” centers around a little elf named Jingle Ivytrifle,…
PLANNED PARENTHOOD—Amidst the end-of-year sentimentality, everyone’s favorite period-tracking app couldn’t help but jump on the new “wrapped” trend, announcing an update to show users’ end-of-year period-related data. “The new feature contains dozens of exciting statistics you’ve never wanted to see or know!” stated spokesperson Jonas Piercy. “For example, did you know that of the 47…
HO PLAZA—Hoda Dabiri ‘23 took a fearless stand in the name of health and wellness when she lightly furrowed her brow at a mask-less passerby while walking to her only in-person class this Thursday. “I definitely considered saying something, but I decided against it,” said the breathless defender of the campus community. “Instead I just…
