DAY HALL— After under two years as president of Cornell University, Martha Pollack has solved every major problem facing the 24,000-student, 3,000-faculty member university and is now taking on IBM as a member of its Board of Directors. “When I came here in 2017, this place was a real dump,” said President Pollack. “But then…
SAPSUCKER WOODS — A blood-covered research assistant from Cornell’s Lab of Ornithology released a statement earlier today that he was “sorry about what happened with all the birds back there.” The researcher, biology student Robert Cowan M.S. ’18 studying changes in the behavior of the North American Goldfinch in the presence of lawnmowers, claims that…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—With ClubFest around the corner, Cornell’s on-campus organizations have already begun the frantic race to recruit the newest crop of bright, eager young minds. Veteran students know that this is a marathon, not a sprint; lengthy application processes reward only the most determined, tenacious, and desperate candidates. Alpha Zeta Delta Pre-Business Fraternity has…
BINGHAMTON, NY— This Thanksgiving break, Gwen Swanson ’20 basked in praise from relatives gathered together for Thanksgiving, trying to ignore the fact that she is failing CS 1110: Introduction to Computing Using Python. “Our little Gwenny is always so brilliant and hardworking and a true renaissance woman,” said Swanson’s great-aunt Bertha. “Where else are you…
Now that prelim season is in full swing, students are scrambling to find the places to prepare on campus. CU Nooz has done the work for you and compiled a list of the best study areas so you can spend more of your time avoiding your work in other ways. Study Biology in the quietest…
ITHACA—Hoping to bring some joy to what could otherwise be described as a bleak and tumultuous year, the Cornell University Police Department has decided to switch to holiday-themed parking tickets for the month of December. “As days get shorter and people have gone months without seeing their loved ones, we noticed that folks have been…
ITHACA, NY—Tuesday’s election exposed a number of shortcomings in Republican incumbent Marc Molinaro (5’7”) when he fell short of being reelected by a number of votes and inches. Noted DC insider Josh Riley (6’7”) ran a successful campaign that rose above partisan differences, and Marc Molinaro (5’6”). “I wasn’t originally going to vote for Riley…
HO PLAZA—Notoriously poor socialite Pete Klein ‘23 found himself fumbling for the right words after bumping into his friend’s friend while walking across campus. Though Klein had met the fellow student on numerous occasions, and could vividly picture each moment of their multiple introductions, he found himself entirely unable to remember their name. In a…
This past Friday, the most dire tragedy in the life of a young bright college student came to fruition—that’s right, it was laundry day. Sadly the 57 pairs of identical black socks I brought from home did not absolve me from this soul crushing experience. The arduous process began sharply at dawn to avoid everyone…
CARL BECKER HOUSE, URIS HALL, COLLEGETOWN, ETC—After the closure of the Cornell University Borehole Observatory project, the university’s eminent geology, energy and sustainability researchers sat down to analyze their data and determine Cornell’s optimal course to achieve the Climate Action Plan’s goal of carbon neutrality by 2035. Unfortunately for climate scientists and pedestrians alike, a…
