Ok guys, here’s the dilemma: today, during my 3:05 Macro Econ class, I noticed Josh’s navy comforter wasn’t crumpled and strewn across his bed like usual. The day was going so well – I had found the good lighting and my best angle before joining the zoom call and pinning Josh like I do every…
A CHILDHOOD HOME—Hosting Thanksgiving is an all-hands-on-deck affair. Mother of three Linda Lewis is especially grateful for how her adult children have stepped up and lent a helping hand to the preparations. Eldest daughter Anna picked up relatives from the airport and went grocery shopping, youngest child Sylvia deep-cleaned the living room and kitchen, and…
By Professor Margaret Ellipson, ENGL 2810 Creative Writing When all of you students walk through the door each morning, I give you the opportunity to look deep into yourself. For the years I have taught this class, the students and I, together, have spent every Monday and Wednesday from 10:10 to 11:00 turning the mundane…
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL — Whether it comes to common choices in clothing, similar affectations, or extreme emotional reactions, bitches really do be like that, a pioneering new study has confirmed. Looking at behaviors such as daily horoscope checking, writing notes in five different colors, and making 5-11 Instagram story posts wishing their friend “Happy…
THE CORNELL CLUB OF NEW YORK— Following the Student Assembly’s decision to storm the National Archives and scribble smiley faces all over the Bill of Rights, alumni have begun to lament the death of the Cornell they once knew. “Ah, how I miss the good old days!” exclaimed Charles Olin ‘58 as he paused his…
SAGE HALL—Students of the S.C. Johnson Graduate School of Management recently showed how business school has prepared them for Fortune 500 leadership positions by demonstrating a complete lack of compassion and putting Cornell at the brink of shutdown from COVID-19. “Originally, we were worried that this pandemic, and the emphasis on the heroic efforts of…
KLARMAN HALL—Following the debate over whether to change Cornell policy on graduate student relationships with professors, History professor and thesis advisor Corbin Mantelfield ‘77 appeared to be a little too eager to meet with all of his young advisees regarding their theses. When informed about the proposed policy changes, Mantelfield’s advisee Gracie Smertel ‘18 remarked,…
COLLEGETOWN—Tuesday is Election Day in America, which means all of the stress, hard-work, and exhaustion will culminate in victory or defeat for one major presidential candidate, in about three to four months. “I’ve spent the last four years of my life anxious about whether our gradual decline into fascism would turn into a tailspin,” said…
Not to be outdone by the annual “Men of Vet School” calendar, the cows at Cornell’s School of Veterinary Sciences have put out their own sultry offering just in time for Valentines Day. Entitled simply, “ Bovine of Vet School” the calendar, in which twelve half naked heads of cattle bare all for the world to see,…
TOMPKINS COUNTY — Hundreds of dustbowl farmers in the greater Tompkins County area are rejoicing at the coming of the rain, after months of drought brought no crops to their land. “Madge! Madge, get out here, you’re not gonna believe this!” cried Ernest Young, finally seeing the thick storm clouds form overhead and drop a…
