NORTH CAMPUS — Amidst growing concerns of insufficient student housing, Cornell has announced that a new spatial dimension will be constructed on North Campus to accommodate the incoming class of 2020. “We used to have to force triples and quads in some of the high rises, but recent advances in technology mean that we can fit…
Both beloved and hated, the online prelim represents the crosssection of two axioms all Cornell students know to be true: prelims fucking suck and everyone is cheating. Unique from other schools’ tawdry tests or even… exams, prelims are the true inquisition into the twenty-year-old student’s (who is intelligent but not too smart or they’d have…
ITHACA, NY — In a statement released this morning, a frontrunner in the Undergraduate Student Assembly’s Fall 2017 Election has declared that they are eager to accomplish absolutely nothing during their time in the position. “I’m just so grateful that the community wants me to take on this exciting, debatably-influential role,” stated the freshman. “I…
With all the buzz surrounding Valentine’s Day and everyone’s excitement about receiving their Perfect Match results, I just wanted to put this out there: last year, the girl who was supposed to be my “perfect match” wouldn’t let me anywhere near her feet. While there was a lot of big talk about the cutting-edge formula…
DUFFIELD HALL—After countless rounds of insufferable coffee chats, campus consulting clubs finally sifted through their applications and hand-picked the candidates with the brightest future in the donut industry to join their exclusive organization. Recruitment Director Donna Baker ‘26 shed some light on the deliberation process: “The applications of any tasteless fools who prefer bagels to…
COLLEGETOWN—The proclivities of Collegetown roommates have inevitably emerged, and the victims of the 901 College Ave Apt-1 lease quickly realized that living together was about to go from string lights and girl nights to full-on fist fights. Held hostage by a lease, the girls couldn’t escape Lilith Quinn ‘26, self-proclaimed group leader. “The second I…
This article is sponsored by Yamatai: tryouts are Monday 9/16 and Tuesday 9/17 at 9:30 PM in Lincoln Hall B20. Go to https://www.facebook.com/events/353736792179613/ for more information BARTON HALL—As Cornell Backgammon Club Vice President Jonas Zhao ‘21 gave a sincere pitch to a freshman last Sunday at Clubfest, he realized that he was simply no match…
We all remember last year’s Slope Day fiasco, when Kehlani’s invitation to be the event’s headliner was revoked days after being announced. Last week, EDM duo The Chainsmokers were revealed as the Slope Day artist, whose hits like “Something Just Like This” and “Don’t Let Me Down” shot them to the top of the music…
MALOTT HALL—’Tis the season of Christmas and finals! To gift his physics students a smidgen of holiday cheer, Professor Jason McDougal snuck in a silly little reference to Santa Claus in the middle of his grueling 256-question final exam. “The kids deserve something fun, after crying their eyes out for half the test!” McDougal explained…
ITHACA- Student Travis Hopkins ’17 was referred to the Judicial Administration Thursday for allegedly bludgeoning his roommate to death. The body of victim Anthony Mathews ’17 was discovered by Kevin Harris ’14, the resident advisor for the Donlon floor where the boys lived, at 10:31 p.m. on Thursday while Hopkins sat at his desk doing…
