GOLDWIN SMITH– Senior Grant Lampert ‘26 is living every student’s worst nightmare. After spending time and energy writing a discussion board post without AI, he has been accused of violating Cornell’s generative AI policy. English Professor Robin Castillo claimed she was immediately suspicious of Lampert’s post on Albert Camus’s The Myth of Sisyphus due to…
COLLEGETOWN—Dozens of redditors have once again banded together to ensure r/Cornell remains home to not only right wing-SA rants and CS workload complaints, but moderately cute bunnies, too. Progress! “Seeing these cute little bundles of fluff is the highlight of my day,” said user AnarxhyMurder231. “After the first ninety posts I told myself nothing could…
DAY HALL—Amid fallout from the most recent release of documents which further confirm President Trump’s ties to the convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, Cornell President Michael Kotlikoff faces a dilemma regarding the recent deal the university concluded with the federal government. As part of the agreement, Kotlikoff and a guest received round-trip airfare and a…
STEWART AVE—In a mysterious turn of events, Jacob Haddow ‘24 awoke this morning to discover a large hole in his apartment wall matching the precise proportions of his roommate. Further perplexing was his housemate’s insistence that the gaping abscess in their hallway had “always been there.” “I honestly can’t believe he doesn’t remember this,” said…
DAY HALL – In response to a major push at Cornell toward forming the first graduate student union in the school’s history, Interim President Hunter Rawlings III sent an email out earlier today warning the university that unionizing would offer Masters and PhD students a brief glimmer of hope and happiness unseen since beginning their…
COLLEGETOWN — It was learned today that favorite local late-night dessert establishment Insomnia Cookies will be closing in the upcoming months, and will eventually be replaced by a new business called Paranoia Undercooked Meats. “We here at Paranoia Undercooked Meats understand that Insomnia Cookies has been a staple among hungry students looking for a late-night…
As the 14th president of Cornell University, it is my responsibility to ensure the well-being of the more than 20,000 students who study, work, and live in Ithaca. To that effect, my administration has made tremendous strides towards improving the student experience; from somewhat reducing the amount of asbestos in a few buildings to making…
DAY HALL—In response to student strikes over Cornell’s continued investment in fossil fuel companies, the Board of Trustees released a statement Friday morning affirming that the returns on such investments are necessary for Cornell to continue educating the final generation to exist before the global climate crisis results in a total extinction of the human…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Attending his Intro to American Politics course, proud conservative virgin Gerald Dumfries ‘23 began openly praising Texas’s new restrictive abortion ban, despite the fact that due to a combination of his inner and outer repulsiveness, it will be physically impossible for him to ever impregnate anyone. “Look, I’m a supporter of women’s rights,…
MADISON, WI—After emptying her closets and pulling out suitcases in preparation for move-in day, incoming freshman Becca Miller laid out outfits on her bed for every day of her first year at Cornell. “I know I’ll have so many other things on my mind, like moving into my dorm, figuring out where my classes are,…
