MORRISON DINING—For months, Nathan Reed ’26 has spoken passionately about pursuing an Italian minor. His peers recall him using phrases like, “I’m learning so much,” and “I’ve really been enjoying my minor.” Two of his friends, Joy Nguyen ’26 and Eric Walters ’26, assumed he was just really into the language, but they soon realized…
HOLLAND INTERNATIONAL LIVING CENTER—Low Rise 8 residents were completely unaware of the recent campus-wide power outage, due to no apparent change in their daily routine. Students in the oft-forgotten International Living Center have become accustomed to a dorm without lights, and many thought it was the norm for on-campus living.
HANS BETHE HOUSE– Every semester, students use the course oster site to help them select and map out their classes in preparation for pre-enrollment. This semester, however, many students were taken aback by the introduction of a new, true-to-life, artificial intelligence father figure who loudly groaned, sighed, and grumbled every time they attempted to add…
COLLEGETOWN—In a public broadcast delivered via megaphone from the roof of Ithaca Renting Company, representatives of the Lambrou, Avramis, and O’Connor apartments announced their stunning support for a Collegetown rent freeze, after coming to the realization that “We are all tenants on this beautiful planet called Earth.” “We have, all of us, been led astray…
COLLEGETOWN—Last week, a new boba cafe opened in Collegetown. Four days ago, a new boba cafe opened in Collegetown. Two days ago, a new boba cafe opened in Collegetown. Yesterday, a new boba cafe opened in Collegetown. The most recent addition, Not Your Average Boba Cafe, is located next to a boba cafe, and underneath…
RICHMOND, VA—In a devastating blow to the egos of students who watch Big Bang Theory, Alicia Iturbide ‘22, the sole female student in CS 4200, has denied her fourth invitation to play Dungeons and Dragons this week. “Turning Carl down was kind of a no-brainer, to be honest,” Iturbide said of Carl Werther ‘21, the…
DAY HALL—In top Universities across the nation, the crisis in the Middle East has divided student bodies and swept headlines. In a speech Monday, President Martha Pollack addressed the campus protest emblematic of the University’s rising tensions with the spirit of a true leader. “La la la, I can’t hear you!” exclaimed President Pollack with…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Student Assembly Freshman Representative Maria Solis ‘21 is reportedly deciding between looking to identify and implement solutions that fight all forms of racism and bigotry on campus, or to lobby for a 7% increase in forks at Robert Purcell Marketplace Eatery. “Both issues are critically and equally important to the freshman class,” said…
HO PLAZA – A march for white civil rights and recognition, organized by the Union of White Cornell Students, occurred on Ho Plaza today, however it was largely unnoticed due to the march being nearly indistinguishable from the normal pedestrian traffic of students on campus. “That march was today? I was out here giving out…
My name is Paul Goodman and I am, in fact, in a secret society. That’s right — I’m in Quill and Dagger. I really want to emphasize that though I am actively telling you that I am in a secret society, I really would appreciate if you kept this information to yourself. I’m only telling…
