WHITE HALL—Much to the confusion of her friends, Government major Angela Xu ‘22 appeared enthralled by the possibility of a national political crisis that would surely plunge American society into chaos. “Imagine how historic it would be if we had a contested election—or better yet, what about a tie in the electoral college?!” Xu squealed,…
COLLEGETOWN- College of Human Ecology sophomore Sandra Owings reported did literally “nothing” during this past weekend’s February Break. “I mostly just sat around, didn’t do any work or go out or anything,” said the Human Development major who remained sprawled out on the couch in her Collegetown apartment having not left that position since 1:30…
Last Thursday on X (formerly Twitter), Marjorie Taylor Greene, a House Republican from Georgia, doubled down on her claims of a shadowy “they” capable of “[controlling] the weather.” This assertion comes in the wake of Hurricane Helene, which left a path of destruction across the southeast; Hurricane Milton, which was upgraded to a category five…
MORRILL HALL—Earlier today, Professor A. Maximus Swaddlebottom sauntered into his 10:10am lecture this morning, claiming he was “totally stoked, fellas” about the previous weekend’s release of The Avengers: Infinity War. “Yeah, I went into it thinking that the Angry Raisinet Man was probably gonna try to eat the moon, but let me just say…he did…
URIS HALL—This morning, during the 10:10 lecture for Intro to Cognitive Science, a single student sacrificed his class grade for a piece of pure comedy gold: Jamie McCannon ‘19 answered C on a True/False iClicker question, bringing the lecture hall to its knees in laughs. “I never thought there could be so much beauty in…
LIBE SLOPE — Calling upon three years of hardened experience in the field, Senior Liam McKlevern spent the afternoon burying a bottle of sunscreen in the slope in preparation for Slope Day. “Most novices think they can just hit the slope with a single layer of SPF 35,” reported McKlevern, leaning up against his shovel….
ITHACA—On Friday evening, Joshua Barkley ‘21 detailed Cornell’s desire to stifle free speech in a campus newspaper consumed by 20,000 readers, the seventeenth opinion piece of its kind published this year. “Barkley’s enlightening views on the silencing of conservative voices on Cornell’s campus is truly groundbreaking stuff,” said conservative commentator Aaron Northrup ‘02. “It is…
ARTS QUAD—Throughout Upstate New York, arctic blast weather patterns have produced extreme outdoor conditions, subzero windchills, and heavy winter precipitation. The dangerously low temperatures have forced students across campus to deploy advanced protective gear: trendy little multicolored scarves. “On one hand, the Real Feel is -30 degrees,” reasoned Eileen Martin ‘28. “On the other, I…
Freshmen Candidates: Dale Barbaria — Barbaria’s high school yearbook awarded this engineering student from New Rochelle the title “Most Likely To Be A Student Assembly Representative At Cornell University” Nelson Billington — From Washington D.C., Billington promises that, if elected Freshman Representative, he will use his new position to impress girls. Marissa…
GULF OF MEXICO—Since his return to office, President Donald Trump has issued dozens of executive orders, demanding everything from the end of birthright citizenship to withdrawal from various international agreements. On Friday, the President took things a step further, signing an order entitled “Protecting America From Invasion By Meddling Foreign Drafts and Moistures”, which aims…
