COCKTAIL LOUNGE— While most students are struggling to keep up at this point in the semester, Kenzie Arnett ‘26 is managing the pressure of demanding academics with poise and grace. She has it all: a little white iPad with color coded notes, a color coded GCal, and a moodboard for her Punta Cana spring break…
DAY HALL – Today, over a year and a half since the Gannett Health Fee was enacted, reports indicate that the university administrators are pretty stoked that everybody seems to have outright forgotten about the fee, which at the time incited anger and protests from students opposed to the unnecessary bursar charge. “Nobody is really…
PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND—In a powerful display of Rhode Island’s inadequacy as a state, the notoriously poor Big Red secured a 24-21 win over Brown on Saturday. The victory, Cornell’s only against an Ivy League team this season, inspired little hope in fans. “Wow, we beat Brown. Awesome,” said Craig Major ‘23. “Now, how about we…
TOLEDO, OH—Following four years of pursuing various unemployable majors, jobless Philosophy major Geraldo Hernandez ’20 was thrilled to start living at home indefinitely over 2 months ahead of schedule. “He keeps saying ‘something will fall into place’ soon, but ‘just wants some time off,’” said Gloria Hernandez, sighing as her son woke up from his…
TEAGLE HALL— In a swift reminder of his humanity, area fitness junkie Alvin Jung ‘21 was humbled after having his head cleanly cut off while on the bench press. “He let his ego get the best of him,” said fellow gym-goer Eric Bilzerian, wearing an “In Memory of Alvin” sleeveless T-shirt that exposed his nipples….
Dear Cornell University, From the outset of this campaign, my goal was simple: to add something impressive-sounding to my resume. Today, I am proud to say that with my election to the position of Undesignated At-Large Student Assembly Representative, that dream has been achieved. This was a tremendous victory for the 1,852 supporters who voted…
CORNELL HEALTH—On Wednesday, Cornell Health officials released a statement to the university suggesting that students contract flu now to get it out of their system before prelim season. “We just think that you might as well get that out of your way before the semester really picks up,” says Kathy Grammer, Cornell Health official. “I…
MCGRAW TOWER—Despite hoping for a fresh-faced, clean-toothed summer, McGraw Tower ‘1891 recently discovered it must spend Slope Day with its headgear still intact. This news came as a shock to the Cornell community, who now had no choice but to see the clocktower as a massive geek. According to Orthodontist John Stern, Tower possesses “teeth…
As an undergraduate Cornell student, I was overjoyed to receive an email from “OpaVote Voting Link.” I thought, “Finally! I get to use my voice for something that matters: a referendum to decide the best of K-Pop icon PSY’s songs!” It came as an absolute surprise; I’m on all the PSY forums, how had I…
LYNAH RINK—Big Red Men’s Ice Hockey’s 4–1 loss to Union College was a relief for Interim President Michael Kotlikoff, who has faced criticism for a recent statement regarding the University’s ongoing negotiations with Cornell Graduate Students United (CGSU). “The notion that Cornell engages in ‘Union busting’ is ridiculous,” Kotlikoff wrote in an email sent shortly…
