DONLON HALL – After a few days of attempting to secure new friendships with merely his kind nature and sense of humor, Ari Neilson ’19 has decided to change his strategy, hoping now to lure friends solely by hanging a large Bob Marley poster in his room. “I thought I could establish lifelong friendships by…
Between the new Gates Hall and the goal of Klarman Hall behind Goldwin Smith, University contractors have been busy with construction for the past few months. And after an ambitious announcement made this past Friday, they have a whole lot more to look forward to. University officials have drawn up a new plan for campus…
RAWLINGS GREEN— So today is the final day that I’m going to be President of Cornell. Believe it or not, I’ve had this exact same thought twice before. It’s been a great three rides and an incredible experience being able to lead such a wonderful University, but even after all I have given to Cornell…
COLLEGETOWN– As Julian Herbert ‘24 was told to inhale nitrous oxide from a cylinder this Friday, he began feeling suspicious when it dawned on him that despite being called “Greek” life, nobody at the pledge event had even mentioned Greek mythology. The Classics major had excitedly signed his bid last week, eager to start talking…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — The departure of Will Toddson ‘20 from his otherwise all-female FGSS 1101 class was met with excitement; during the first few minutes without him, the girls were finally free to remove their clothes and have a long, sexy pillow fight. “I mean, we’ll miss having a rational and logical mind to…
KENNEDY HALL— After handing back her first set of prelims this semester, Linguistics Professor Margret Coleman took the opportunity to remind the class she was committed to helping every student in the class succeed, so long as they aren’t stupid. “I noticed some of you had trouble with certain key concepts on this exam. If…
COLLEGETOWN—An unexpected turn of events left a group of friends seriously concerned while making plans for the weekend. In a move that baffled the whole group, Sam Thompson ‘26 replied in agreement of a plan within seconds of it being suggested. “I sent out a text about grabbing drinks, and Sam responded with ‘I’m in!’…
MCGRAW TOWER—Despite hoping for a fresh-faced, clean-toothed summer, McGraw Tower ‘1891 recently discovered it must spend Slope Day with its headgear still intact. This news came as a shock to the Cornell community, who now had no choice but to see the clocktower as a massive geek. According to Orthodontist John Stern, Tower possesses “teeth…
ARTS QUAD—Police surrounded Klarman Hall today in the biggest organized crime bust in Cornell’s history. The tens of attendees at The Dons’ third annual a cappella performance were shocked as officers stormed the stage and started making arrests instead of beatboxing. The big bust was made in part due to the bravery of one particularly…
WITHIN 10FT OF DAY HALL — “Yeah, you know, I just don’t really care anymore,” said David Skorton as he lit the cigarette he kept behind his ear within ten feet of an air vent intake. “What can I say, I’m a pretty dangerous guy.” This incident is the most recent in a string of…
