DONLON – Kyle Kirkland (Engineering ‘16) has decided to air his grievances with the University after he was assigned the NetID “kkk666.” Kirkland explained, “My middle name is Kevin because my parents like alliteration. I’m not a racist. Also, I don’t worship Satan. Honestly, I’m not really sure what having the ID ‘kkk666’ makes me…
KEETON HOUSE – At the end of this Fall semester, Evan Hunter ‘18 now finds himself unable to remember any sound that doesn’t come from his expansive Spotify library. “I haven’t stopped listening to music for the past two weeks. Everywhere I go, no matter what I do, I can only hear the cacophony of…
ITHACA – An email received by students and faculty this morning provided a warning that during the previous night, a rogue Kathy Zoner had been seen at large in Collegetown. “At 11:45 yesterday evening, a figure later determined to be Cornell Chief of Police Kathy Zoner was reported to be wreaking havoc outside of Collegetown…
MORRISON HALL––Following the launch of North Campus’s Morrison Dining Hall this January, Student & Campus Life has announced a new substitute for meal swipes: students can now access the state-of-the-art dining facility by narrating the entire plot of Toni Morrison’s novel, Beloved. Within days of the announcement, every copy of Beloved was checked out of…
Alright, I’ve heard a lot about your RA. How he cuts through all the bullshit, skips the ice breakers, and is just down to have a good time. But if he’s so cool, then does he have the power to bring back my deceased father? I mean sure, he tells you where all the cool…
ITHACA CITY HALL — Clad in his signature pitch-black leotard and sporting a headband with his logo on it, Ithaca Mayor Svante “The People’s Champion” Myrick announced an ongoing campaign to viciously elbow-drop the problems facing Tompkins County residents. “Yeah, choke slamming the growing heroin epidemic was just the beginning,” declared the People’s Champion, pausing…
ITHACA, NY – The Cornell Concert Commission (CCC) is proud to report that no one has really noticed or commented on the fact that there has not been a concert scheduled the entire spring semester. In a recent interview, CCC President Lance Gleen told CU Nooz that he was “quite grateful” that Cornellians hadn’t picked…
GOLDWIN SMITH—There are many downsides to being mowed down by a bicycle in the middle of Feeney Way, as I discovered at 8 AM today. Sprawled out on the crosswalk, clutching my new sprained wrist to my chest, I could do nothing but holler obscenities at the fleeing cyclist and mourn the loss of my…
URIS LIBRARY—While working on renovations in Uris Library’s Cocktail Lounge, construction workers have been flagrantly disregarding the “Whisper Zone” signs located throughout the study area. “They’re just so inconsiderate. How am I supposed to watch Netflix or snap my brothers when the jackhammers and table saws are exceeding the level of a gentle whisper?” complained…
Since graduating from Cornell, I’ve accumulated over 3 years of job hunting experience. I’ve attended career fairs at dozens of institutions across the country and spoken to hundreds of company representatives. My knowledge of the career fair circuit is unparalleled, so with my tips you’ll be well on your way to turning heads at this…
