CASCADILLA HALL—A White House announcement last Monday suggested that acetaminophen, commonly branded as Tylenol, is a leading cause of autism. The announcement sent shockwaves through the dating app community, members of whom are already adapting to the news. Local single Eric Pilgrim ‘28 immediately went on Hinge to announce that he “didn’t mind a little…
NORTH CAMPUS- Upon tasting an alcoholic beverage for the first time, freshman Adrian Simmons was dismayed to find the taste very unpleasant. “Ugh, it’s like medicine,” said the Mews resident and California native, grimacing after his first sip of Svedka brand cherry vodka. “Why would people drink this? Do you guys have any soda? Or…
DAY HALL—Amid violently expressive protests around campus, President Pollack looks to improve the growingly pernicious Cornell ethos through the enforcement of the “compliment sandwich method.” “It’s come to our attention that some students have been saying hateful things about me–I mean members of the administration. This goes against our campus policy of being nice,” explained…
CASCADILLA HALL—Architecture major Barry Kletz ‘26 completed major renovations on his Cascadilla single after he converted his previously drab living space into a fabulous walk-in closet by simply leaving all his laundry on the floor for an entire week. “Having all the clothes right here in front of me has enabled outfits I would’ve never…
DAY HALL — Cornell announced early Monday morning that yesterday would be the last Sunday for the academic year. “We conducted a large-scale study of how students worked during the course of a week and we discovered that Sunday was the leader in a number of concerning categories,” said April May, the chair of Cornell’s…
ROCKEFELLER HALL—During his Intermediate Quantum Mechanics lecture, Professor Zhao urged his students not to hold back and to ask questions about anything they’re unsure about, unless, of course, he can’t answer the question himself. “Come on, guys,” Zhao said, finishing an illegible problem on the board, “You can ask me any question you can think…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Future captains of industry in discussion section 312 of ECON 1110 made massive academic headway last week after finally learning the value of a quarter. The super sleuths were finally able to ‘make cents’ out of the cryptic coins whose meaning had long evaded them. “It’s really important to me that I take…
TEAGLE HALL — Cornell Junior Evan Moore was diagnosed earlier this week to have athlete’s foot, specifically that of Craig Jones, a Senior forward for the Big Red Men’s Basketball team. How Moore acquired the foot is unknown, but CUPD estimates that was originally stolen from Jones’ Collegetown apartment early Monday morning. The foot appeared…
ROCKEFELLER HALL—When a lecturer continues past the scheduled end of class, many students are afraid or indifferent, and pass over the opportunity to speak up. But when his History of Egypt lecture ran long last week, Moses Amramson ‘26 decided to take matters into his own hands. “I was sitting next to my brother, Aaron,…
STATLER HALL–In a state of heart-pounding distress, School of Hotel Administration sophomore Franklin Terkinler ‘24 Googled the ingredients necessary to make a cobb salad in order to create flashcards for his upcoming prelim in HADM 4320: Contemporary Healthy Foods. “After I stupidly identified couscous as quinoa this past prelim, I really need to do well…
