Leaked NSA Documents Reveal Illegal Wiretapping of I-Clickers

ITHACA, NY- A recently released file from Edward Snowden has revealed that the NSA participated in a covert data collection operation in order to obtain information regarding student i-Clicker usage. While campus officials have defended this project as a necessary preventative measure, many students are appalled that such superfluous data collection occurred. “I just feel…

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Jerry Seinfeld to Headline Slope Day

ITHACA- Slope Day Programming Board sources confirmed Wednesday that this year’s headlining act would be comedy legend and star of his eponymous show, Jerry Seinfeld.         “I was thrilled to hear that we got one of the biggest names in the business,” praised junior Henry Collins of the observational comic. “He wouldn’t…

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CU Nooz’s Student Assembly Election Predictions

With Student Assembly elections currently underway, political analysts are calling this year’s campaigns some of the most highly contested in history. Here are the CU Nooz political team’s predictions:     S.A. President: Sarah Balik. Thaddeus Talbot’s weak ankles and poor reflexes will be too much for him to overcome in the physical portion of…

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Jewish Freshman Wonders Which Club Was Running This Weird Forehead Protest Thing On Wednesday

ITHACA, NY – Cornell freshman Arnold Gimmelstein spent most of Wednesday, March 5 utterly confused. The freshman bio major,  who woke believing Wednesday to be an ordinary day, was surprised when he saw hundreds of students with black marks on their foreheads. Sources say that Gimmelstein asked most of his friends what the reason was,…

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