ADMISSIONS OFFICE—Freshman Krispin Wexler ‘25 was left in distress today after discovering that he was the sole undergraduate student from North Dakota. Despite strong grades and extracurriculars, Wexler could not shake the new feeling that he was only here as a representative for what many would consider the 50th state. “I asked every single person…
KENNEDY HALL AUDITORIUM—For a third consecutive week of lectures, ECON 1540 Professor Harold Atkinson continued to plow straight ahead with horrific mispronunciations of his students’ names. “While I appreciate Professor Atkinson’s efforts to learn everyone’s names in such a big class, I think he could probably try a little harder to say them correctly,” commented…
In a phenomenon akin to the rare confluence of Passover, Ramadan, and Easter, this past weekend saw the intersection of two sacred festivals: Halloween and Parents Weekend. Despite my best attempts to respect and honor both traditions, I have been subject to allegations that I “crossed a line,” and that your mother’s very convincing great-grandma…
ITHACA—Following weeks of preparing contingency plans for a potential on-campus Fall 2020 Semester, University administrators have developed a viral containment and public relations strategy to deal with the inevitable outbreak that will occur in Mary Donlon Hall. Seen as a breeding ground for highly transmissible diseases given the perpetually close-knit nature of its residients and…
ITHACA- In a study put out by Gannett Health Services, it was discovered that at least 95% of all free condoms given out in their main lobby are used by students to try to impress their friends. “I think I’ll just grab two for now, that should be fine for the next week or so”…
Cornell has always been a trailblazer, and I must start by commending the university, which began admitting women in 1872, only seven years after its founding. Since its inception, Cornell has been at the forefront of the struggle for the equality of people who mensturate, and can finally say it provides free access to period…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — The departure of Will Toddson ‘20 from his otherwise all-female FGSS 1101 class was met with excitement; during the first few minutes without him, the girls were finally free to remove their clothes and have a long, sexy pillow fight. “I mean, we’ll miss having a rational and logical mind to…
COLLEGETOWN — Junior Jake Evans reported today that the apartment he’d be living in next year was, “An affordable place, close to campus, and virtually impossible to escape in the event of a fire or other emergency.” Chatting with friends over coffee, Evans mentioned that his apartment was likely to become “his tomb,” and that…
Hey there, you bright-eyed, bushy-tailed little thing. Nice to see you’ve been getting all settled into your new life here, but have you considered what you’re gonna be doing outside of class? Well if you haven’t decided yet, you should try applying to our club that we’ll probably reject you from anyways! That’s right! It…
DUFFIELD HALL—After countless rounds of insufferable coffee chats, campus consulting clubs finally sifted through their applications and hand-picked the candidates with the brightest future in the donut industry to join their exclusive organization. Recruitment Director Donna Baker ‘26 shed some light on the deliberation process: “The applications of any tasteless fools who prefer bagels to…
