CU Nooz – Page 167

Two Birds, One Stone! Jerry from Craigslist Booked as Slope Day Headliner, Convocation Speaker

Nooz Staff11 months ago11 months ago03 mins

ALLENTOWN, PA—University officials announced Monday afternoon that they had selected a powerhouse performer to serve as both Slope Day headliner and Senior Convocation speaker; the individual’s availability was confirmed via Craigslist. The heavy-hitter in question, Jerry Ferguson, hails from Allentown, PA and—according to his Facebook profile—is an “aspiring 29-year-old musician with mad guitar Skillz”. On…

Pre-Professional Fraternity Lowers Acceptance Rate to Zero Percent

Nooz Staff7 years ago7 years ago02 mins

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—The Kappa Chapter of Delta Iota Kappa Pre-Finance Fraternity has announced they have lowered acceptance into the fraternity for the fifth year in a row, taking zero applicants into their Fall 2018 pledge class. Fraternity President Harrison Kennedy III explained the decision in an email to rushes. “Unfortunately, none of you were able…

Title IX Investigations Keep Piling Up In University’s Spam Folder

Nooz Staff9 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL — A recent report by the U.S. Department of Education’s Office of Civil Rights, which named Cornell the university with the highest number of active Title IX investigations, has landed atop a growing heap of Title IX emails in the university’s spam folder. “Initially, I was pleasantly surprised by how bare the Cornell…

Report: Girlfriend Just “Thinks It’s Funny” That Tom Brady’s Retirement Got 3 Instagram Stories, But 6-Month Anniversary Got 1

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

COLLEGETOWN–It was a normal Tuesday night for Peter Graven and Sophia Morgan, both ‘23, as they spent their evening finishing some school work before catching up on the latest episode of Euphoria. Morgan was so enraptured by the neon depiction of teen opiate abuse that she barely noticed Graven spent most of the episode scrolling…

Dyson Junior Networks Too Hard, Marries Goldman Sachs Recruiter

Nooz Staff7 years ago02 mins

SAGE CHAPEL—After schmoozing with Goldman Sachs recruiter Meredith Hook at a company information session last Thursday, Zackary Chase ‘20 found himself in a marriage engagement, rather than landing a prestigious job as he originally intended. “When I handed her my resume and she saw my 2.79 GPA, I thought I was done for,” said Chase,…

Couple Spends Hours Putting Together Costume Blissfully Unaware They Will Break Up That Night

Nooz Staff4 years ago4 years ago02 mins

COLLEGETOWN — Over the past few weeks, Alessia Newman ’22 and Brett Chen ’22 poured dozens of hours into perfecting their Ash and Pikachu couples costume to wear for Halloween, not knowing that they would get in a fight that night that would result in their break-up. “They say that working together is important for…

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New MBA Center Offers Classes Conveniently Located Next To Proper Puss

Nooz Staff9 years ago02 mins

COLLEGETOWN— To the delight of students and faculty across campus, the recently-opened Johnson School building in Collegetown provides a new class setting and study space adjacent to Ithaca’s most popular waxing spot. “I love being able get my monthly Brazilian only steps away from my first class,” said Madeline West, MBA ‘18 as she gazed…

Environmentalism Win! Water Fountain has Saved 57i37eN.0 Bottles of Water

Nooz Staff2 years ago2 years ago02 mins

Cornell University has positioned itself as a champion of sustainability amidst Ithaca’s expansive wilderness, adopting practices like charging students for reusable containers and slapping the color green on things. Chief among these practices is the proliferation of water bottle filling stations, many of which claim to have prevented water bottle usage up to amounts such…

Suspicious! Pescatarian Friend a Little Too Close to Ice at Harvard Hockey Game

Nooz Staff3 years ago3 years ago02 mins

LYNAH RINK- During the annual practice of Cornell’s most oceanic tradition, Sonia Steiner’s ’25 increasingly strange behavior caught the attention of her friends. “It started out normal, like, she insisted we get to Lynah an hour early so she could get as close to the ice as possible.” Reported Kirsten Gale ’25 “Sure, I thought,…

Svante Myrick Steps on Lego, Screams “Fudge!” at Top of Lungs

Nooz Staff12 years ago02 mins

ITHACA- Around 11:29 a.m. Monday, Mayor Svante Myrick stepped on a Lego brick and proceeded to scream “Fudge!” at the top of his lungs while cradling his foot. The incident occurred while the mayor was jumping from couch to couch in his office and waving a cardboard sword. The brick in question is thought to…

Administration Promises to Become Financially Translucent

OP-ED: Daylight Savings Time Is a Valid Excuse for Missing My 3:30 Thursday Discussion Section

Cornell Health to Require Resume and Interview for Mental Health Appointments

Environmentalism Win! Water Fountain has Saved 57i37eN.0 Bottles of Water

Hockey Season Over, 30 Year Olds Back in Lecture

CS Major Annoyed She Left Women’s Day Conference with No Swag, Just Renewed Sense of Purpose

Two Birds, One Stone! Jerry from Craigslist Booked as Slope Day Headliner, Convocation Speaker

Pre-Professional Fraternity Lowers Acceptance Rate to Zero Percent

Title IX Investigations Keep Piling Up In University’s Spam Folder

Report: Girlfriend Just “Thinks It’s Funny” That Tom Brady’s Retirement Got 3 Instagram Stories, But 6-Month Anniversary Got 1

Dyson Junior Networks Too Hard, Marries Goldman Sachs Recruiter

Couple Spends Hours Putting Together Costume Blissfully Unaware They Will Break Up That Night

New MBA Center Offers Classes Conveniently Located Next To Proper Puss

Environmentalism Win! Water Fountain has Saved 57i37eN.0 Bottles of Water

Suspicious! Pescatarian Friend a Little Too Close to Ice at Harvard Hockey Game

Svante Myrick Steps on Lego, Screams “Fudge!” at Top of Lungs