HO PLAZA— After saying an emotional final goodbye to her graduating friend two days ago, Mindy Randall ’18 was reportedly caught off guard this morning when she locked eyes with the girl she thought she’d never see again on Ho Plaza. “I couldn’t decide whether to say hi, or goodbye again, or just squint and…
ITHACA CITY HALL — Clad in his signature pitch-black leotard and sporting a headband with his logo on it, Ithaca Mayor Svante “The People’s Champion” Myrick announced an ongoing campaign to viciously elbow-drop the problems facing Tompkins County residents. “Yeah, choke slamming the growing heroin epidemic was just the beginning,” declared the People’s Champion, pausing…
After a short-lived stint as the hot topic on campus, Pocket Points, an app that gives students rewards for turning off their phones in class, has quickly faded out of the public eye and therefore does not warrant any kind of editorial response from us here at CU Nooz. The app offered students deals and…
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ROCKEFELLER HALL––In an astonishing feat of academic prowess during his FWS class last Monday, Finley Bamford-Schermerhorn ‘25 inscribed his notes using a quill and ink set. As if his writing instrument didn’t automatically secure his status as the intellectual heavyweight of the group, Bamford-Schermerhorn proceeded to share a comment that included the word “elucidate” three…
Hey friends. Just thought I’d check in because all week, there’s just been one, singular question on my mind. Seriously, this puppy’s been keeping me up all night. If you die, what happens to your BRBs? Is it like a next-of-kin thing? Like a “oh hey, sorry your brother died, but at least you’re set…
BARTELS HALL—Amidst an on campus housing crisis, the university administration has seemingly been living on a prayer that someone else will bail them out of their own gross miscalculation. Though the departments of Human Development, Engineering, and even Architecture have remained entirely unhelpful, Cornell Outdoor Education has managed to field enough tents to “house” the…
GULF OF MEXICO—Since his return to office, President Donald Trump has issued dozens of executive orders, demanding everything from the end of birthright citizenship to withdrawal from various international agreements. On Friday, the President took things a step further, signing an order entitled “Protecting America From Invasion By Meddling Foreign Drafts and Moistures”, which aims…
Terrorizing all who enter the rooms of zombie caution tape and spooky tombstones, the meatloaf is still the scariest thing in Cornell’s dining halls, despite the decorations. “The Halloween stuff is, like, whatever. But when I got the meatloaf I legit screamed,” commented Bryan Wang, shivering at the thought of ingesting the flavorless beef bricks….
Thanksgiving is a day in which friends and family give their thanks for all that they are grateful for. This year, I plan on expressing a huge thank you to God for gifting me with an invaluable asset: a succulent, sizable, stank-ass pussy. When forging me from his flesh, God decided to direct any weight…
