BEEBE LAKE — During a time at which countless freshman often feel lost and homesick, many incoming California students felt comforted and right at home during the recent drought in Ithaca. “They say you never realize what you will miss most about home until it is too late,” Golden State student Jack Reynolds stated, “For…
ITHACA, NY — Sources close to Cornell Student Aaron Lau ’15 say that Lau views female friend Kaitlyn Douglas ’15 “as a sister,” but indicate that Lau “would definitely still have sex” with Douglas if she offered. “Me and Kaitlyn have been friends since freshman orientation,” Lau told CU Nooz. “At this point it’s almost…
OLIN LIBRARY—I’ll say it. I am sick and tired of these so-called STEM majors complaining about their fucking “prelims”, “research,” and the “general horror that is being pre-med.” Quite frankly, if “studying for the MCAT” were so important, you wouldn’t be interrupting my (very much needed) afternoon public Poptropica session. As I was sitting on…
ITHACA- A recent analysis of the Gettysburg Address – currently being held in Cornell’s Rare Manuscripts Collection – has revealed new and insightful evidence regarding the document’s origins. In reviewing the text, PhD candidates Derek Riley and Emily Yang found several revisions and notes written in the document’s margins. Speaking with Nooz, Yang explained “the…
CORNELL HEALTH—On Wednesday, Cornell Health officials released a statement to the university suggesting that students contract flu now to get it out of their system before prelim season. “We just think that you might as well get that out of your way before the semester really picks up,” says Kathy Grammer, Cornell Health official. “I…
LOW RISE 6—In the midst of a panic attack, my mother called me Friday night. I stifled ugly sobs in my pillow and responded, “Hey mom! What’s up?” with the vocal control of an opera singer. As she dished about the dog’s new medication and her petunias withering, I thought about what it would be…
ITHACA – Earlier today, at around 2 PM, the Cornell Police distributed an email notifying the campus community of an altercation between a Cornellian and his “non-Cornellian friend,” and several “Asian subjects” near Myron Taylor Hall. The Cornellian victim was found substantially injured at the scene when police arrived. “In light of recent events, we…
Hey queen! Can we have a little chat, just you and me? I am coming to you as a nameless, faceless concerned individual who is definitely not your best friend because nothing else seems to be getting through to you up to this point. I know the pandemic has been tough on all of us,…
By a squirrel. You wanna go, you piece of shit? I’ll do it, man, don’t test me! You think just because I’m a squirrel and you’re an adult human being, I’m afraid of you? I’ll kill you! I’LL KILL YOU! I’ve been the top squirrel around here for months, man. I don’t mess around, and…
Alex Parker ‘27, resident unfeeling alpha-sigma-kappa-delta-epsilon bland male came to face his greatest fear at Cornell-hinting at a morsel of personality-when forced to open up during the first week in an introductory discussion. The haunting assignment guidelines asked to “Share something you did over the summer and what you like to do for fun.” He…
