BAKER LABORATORY—“It’s ALIVE! It’s ALLLIVVVEEE!” echoed throughout the halls of Baker Lab Wednesday morning as Cornell Republicans celebrated their one and only victory this week. “As Republicans, inclusion is really important to us,” explained Cornell Republican President Benjamin Bigot ‘24. “I should clarify: the optics of inclusion are important to us. Actually spending time with…
COLLEGETOWN – Putting the entire dance floor on red alert, a Collegetown party went on lockdown last night after the ball from the beer pong game attempted to make a break for it. “The hosts have the situation under control and are confident they will recover the escaped pong ball shortly,” said partygoer Michael Marks…
DUFFIELD HALL—Having returned for the University’s Homecoming, alumnus Todd Bauer ‘20 found himself visiting some of his old haunts. He eventually arrived at Duffield Hall, where he gazed yearningly at the place where he had experienced some of the absolute lowest points of his life. “Wow, I’ve really missed this place! It hasn’t changed a…
CAYUGA HEIGHTS– As students entered a local frat party last night expecting the usual mix of edm songs and ABBA trap remixes, many were confused when the DJ seemed only interested in playing a twenty-minute repeating loop of top 40 pop hits from the year 2014. Was this easy-listening aficionado simply a brother at the…
BROOKLYN, NY – In a thrilling turn of events, Jake Glassner ‘14 drove home from Cornell University to metropolitan New York City area in a record-breaking time of 3:06, taking a gold medal home to his parents and his country. “I’ve trained my whole life for this,” said Glassner. “Ever since my family drove up…
WASHINGTON, D.C.– Still angered over the introduction of the new Gannett health fee, student activists stormed into Smithsonian Secretary David Skorton’s office in Washington, refusing to leave until the fee was revoked. “We are here to show the administration that the student body will not quietly sit back and succumb to their corporate agenda. $350…
STATLER DRIVE — As the lunch rush peaked at the dumpster behind the Statler Hotel, dozens of local raccoons decided the long lines for wasted food from the Terrace Restaurant have become too long to put up with. “It’s ridiculous how many animals are trying to dig into the Terrace garbage,” commented Robbie Raccoon, who…
LONG ISLAND—Following the removal of a 2-day shipping option, Maria Prescott ’21 expressed her frustrations over the personal inconvenience of an international crisis that has taken over 200,000 lives worldwide and left millions more unemployed. “Shipping situation a nightmare; @fabletics & @lululemon need to get those trucks moving,” tweeted Prescott, unaware that an outbreak at…
410 EDDY ST— Just won a goldfish from the State Fair, but don’t have anywhere to put it? Was the fish you brought from home evicted from its luxurious >10 gallon tank by cruel and vindictive university policy? Fear not! The staff at CU Nooz have assembled a step-by-step guide on how to find your…
DONLON HALL—With every Valentine’s day comes the Cornell Daily Sun’s Annual Love survey, profiling the love lives of thousands of students on campus. While this year’s survey showed a net uptick in sexual encounters on campus, it also revealed that all sex on campus is being had by one student: Kevin Jameson ’23. Whether it’s…
