CORNELL POLICE STATION — This past Sunday, Cornell Police Chief Kathy Zoner sent out a campus-wide email warning both students and faculty of Cornell of the inevitable end that is in store for all mortals. In the communique entitled “Time Waits For No One, Death Always Awaits as the Eternal Doorman, Phishing Alert,” Zoner warned…
COLLEGETOWN — In recognition of Yom Kippur, the annual Jewish holiday of atonement during which followers often fast for a full 24 hours, Cornell student Isaac Rosen ’18 has decided to refrain from eating and reflect on the fact that he doesn’t really have any food in his house anyway. “I’m so proud to continue…
GATES HALL—In a bizarre showing, one freshman barbarian insists on calling CS “Computer Science,” whatever that is. “I’m getting absolutely blasted in my introductory computer science classes” lamented Mitchell Fawkes ‘23 to his bewildered friends. “I just do not understand how Matrix Laboratory works, and none of the other computer science majors seem to want…
KENNEDY HALL—Patrons of Trillium Dining Hall were left scrambling for headphones and ear plugs after an auditory assault by one diner who takes KFC’s mantra to heart. “It was like listening to a baby gargle its own spit up,” stated a shaken Maria Sanchez ‘24, who was sitting right across from the auricular assassin when…
Click to see enlarged bracket Vote here! It’s the FINAL FOUR! Call up your brothers, your sisters, your mams, your paps, even your ol’ Uncle Dennis… because it’s VOTING TIME! We will be accepting responses for this round until noon tomorrow ET, 4/3. So that’s right folks, make sure your Uncle D leaves Denny’s early…
Since graduating from Cornell, I’ve accumulated over 3 years of job hunting experience. I’ve attended career fairs at dozens of institutions across the country and spoken to hundreds of company representatives. My knowledge of the career fair circuit is unparalleled, so with my tips you’ll be well on your way to turning heads at this…
MORRISON DINING—In just their first week on campus, freshmen have been subjected to unsavory dining hall food due to the ongoing strike of Cornell Dining workers. In response, many of these new students and their parents have taken to social media to express their frustrations. One student, however, doesn’t seem to mind the new dining…
COLLEGETOWN–Last Saturday, advanced physical and chemical engineering principles of mechanics and electronics major Sean Lite ‘23 spent four hours changing the dead lightbulb above his bed. “I’ve never been very ‘electrically motivated,’” explained Lite. “But I really thought this would be simple. You just yank the bulb out with a good amount of force, and…
According to Brad Holder, the head of New Member Recruitment within the national office of Phi Sigma Sigma, Caroline Fisher ‘16 actually did receive the “best little ever,” like ever. CU Nooz spoke to Holder about the little in question, Sophie Goodman ‘17. “While most of the little facebook names are often slight exaggerations, the…
MEWS HALL – After arriving on campus and bidding tear-filled goodbyes to her parents, incoming Cornell freshman Danielle Fischer ‘20 allegedly considered herself ready to take on major responsibilities, just a few months after needing to ask her high school Spanish teacher for permission to use the bathroom. “Now that I’m officially a college student,…
