FLORA ROSE HOUSE—Despite being a self-avowed “card-carrying Cornell commie,” Jerome “Jerry” Woodhouse ‘25, the roommate of Brent Hao ‘25, has reportedly been pretty fucking reticent to split the costs of gas receipts from their spring break road trip. “I figured that if anyone would be quick to pay me back, it would be the guy…
ZOOM SERVERS—Members of the Cornell Flyer project team have spent the last 90 seconds sitting patiently on the team meeting Zoom call while teammates Sarah Chen ’21 and Jacob Thomas ’22 engaged in an ongoing discussion about a TV show they both like. “I was all set to ask a question about the shape of…
EDDY STREET— Already three weeks into her last fall semester at Cornell, Samantha Derraugh ’16 only just acknowledged that she will not be able to give off the appearance of having her shit together for much longer. The senior ILR major explained her trite daily routine does not allow any time to sort out her…
This week’s scandal comes in the wake of previous allegations that brothers of Pi Kappa Phi were falsifying their genders to participate in the charity event. Last year, professional cyclist Lance Armstrong was accused of posing as a brother to cycle for the fraternity. Pi Kappa Phi could not be reached for comment; however, Lance…
WASHINGTON, DC—During an Oval Office press conference with Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman last week, President Trump fired back at a journalist’s question about the Middle Eastern leader’s role in the 2018 murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. “You’re mentioning somebody that was extremely controversial,” Trump replied, referring to Khashoggi. “A lot of people didn’t…
After months of anticipation, the University finally announced decisions for the undergraduate Class of 2020. Here are the official admissions statistics of those few thousand students lucky enough to be admitted: Recently given a copy of “Oh the Places You’ll Go”: 60% Thoughts on war: “bad” Total calories: 305,293,753 Average Eyesight: 20/100, ironically Honest People:…
ROCKVILLE CENTRE, NY- Rising Junior Gabriela Ramos has entered a state of panic caused by her inability to reasonably justify the fact that she knows nothing about the current tense state of affairs in the Middle-Eastern country of Iraq. “During the academic year, I can usually brush off things like this by saying I’m too…
ITHACA—An international relations lecture took a brief and unexpected turn on Tuesday afternoon when Professor Johnathan Hendricks implied that he was in Dallas on November 22nd, 1963, which was the same day that President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. “It was weird, bro,” said Daniel Gardy, ‘23 before continuing, “we were talking about the CIA’s…
Ithaca, N.Y. — Two weeks ago, Cornell’s bhangra dance group won a Today show talent contest and earned a spot in the quarter finals of ABC’s hit show America’s Got Talent. The response from the Cornell community has been overwhelmingly supportive after finding out through this news that the group exists. Many Cornellians chimed in…
In light of recent cutbacks on campus employees, beloved Oakenshields worker David “Happy Dave” Stravinsky has been asked to take a leave of absence and will be replaced by another, less enthusiastic employee. Happy Dave has worked as a greeter, card-swiper, and rodent exterminator for Okenshilds since 1973 when he graduated from Cornell University. Dave’s…
