After a recent vote by the Board of Trustees, the Cornell Administration will undergo a shutdown effective October 7th at 2 p.m. The administration urges students to continue their academic experience normally. It is suspected that the shutdown resulted from the board’s year long attempt to deadlock the Skorton administration out of finalizing changes to…
ITHACA, NY – Campus is abuzz today with the outrageous news of this year’s slope day artist. “This is simply preposterous!” stated flabbergasted Junior Emily Smalls, “Him? For Slope Day? Well I never!” The nonsensical decision has befuddled the majority of campus, who were simply confounded by the choice of performer. Upon hearing the news,…
ITHACA, N.Y.—Following the announcement that this year’s convocation speaker will be esteemed filmmaker Ava DuVernay, students gave a collective thumbs-up after looking up her name to find out who she is. “Woah, turns out this Ava DuVernay is a gifted storyteller giving people of color important representation in the film industry,” said Mike Gibbs ’18,…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—Unbeknownst to all but the Daily Sun’s four dedicated readers, Cornell Football suffered a loss last Saturday in their opening match against Colgate University. However, the team was “comforted” by the “complete lack of interest or attention from the student body,” said head coach Dan Swanstrom. As a result, players were dismayed to learn…
KLARMAN HALL–As the end of class drew near this Tuesday, Professor Janet Williams shut off her overhead projector, walked in front of the podium, and began an impromptu closing monologue about the educational values she hopes to have imparted on the future leaders of America. “I’d like to shift gears for a few minutes now,…
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LIBE SLOPE—As of 3 a.m. Eastern Standard Time on May 5, 2025, construction workers on West and Central Campus have declared a unilateral “Special Construction Operation” on Libe Slope. Foreman Vladimir Smith gave an address to the construction workers at McGraw Clocktower, announcing his intentions to move infrastructure across the border of Libe Slope, in…
Olin and Uris, a pair of twin freshmen in the Dyson School, were found to be blissfully unaware of their Cornell legacy. “People keep saying how cute it is that our parents named us after their alma mater, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t go here,” commented Uris, bending to pick a singular blade of…
COLLEGE OF VETERINARY MEDICINE—Students were able to get their seasonal flu shots free of charge this year at a variety of sites on campus. Unfortunately, it seems like some individuals who received their vaccine at the College of Veterinary Medicine are suffering from an unintended side effect: neighing like a horse on anabolic steroids. Carlton…
NORTH CAMPUS – Many long-held prayers were finally answered as students were met with dryers that did about as much drying as throwing a towel in the Pacific Ocean upon entering the laundry room to do their first batch of laundry for the semester. “I’m glad the university is finally taking steps towards the things…
