LYNAH RINK—Following a not-so-miracle-on-ice defeat at the hands of Big Red Hockey, local Buffalo officials have reported that several suspicious yet polite-looking men in flannel were seen attempting to cross back into Canada. When questioned, the men claimed to be a part of a mysterious organization, identified only as the “University of Toronto.” “JOSH RILEY’S…
OXLEY EQUESTRIAN CENTER—Out-of-the-box thinker Jenna Locke ‘26 surprised her friends with the truly novel suggestion that they all get together for an afternoon of horseback riding. The large financial burden and immense physical danger that this would impart on the friend group did not occur to Locke, as she already owns a horse. “I’ve been…
COLLEGETOWN– According to sources, senior Colin Atkins urinated himself after a night of excessive drinking late Saturday night, and would be considered a fully-grown adult with the corresponding responsibilities in many cultures. The inebriated student reportedly “shotgunned like eight or ten beers with his bros” and, if he lived in many second or third world…
DAY HALL — Following the Cornell Board of Trustees vote to increase tuition by 3.75%, a team of financial wellness scientists released a report detailing how, if tuition levels continue to grow at the current rate, Cornell’s campus will be unable to support students in just seven years. “While a higher tuition will help fund…
CORNELL BOTANIC GARDENS—During what could be her last naked jaunt through the largely abandoned Ithaca campus, Cornell President Martha Pollack was heard ruminating to herself, “well, we all knew it couldn’t be like this forever.” Amid the rush of eager students returning to move out of off-campus housing, and a significant contingent of the Class of…
LYON HALL—On Monday, twisted little shit Taylor Gillis ’21 rounded off his pre-enroll session by signing up for a challenging class for the sole purpose of learning more about the subject matter. By enrolling in MATH 6220 Rimannian Geomentry, fucked-up degenerate Gillis hoped to delve into the complex mathematical material for no other reason than…
STATLER HOTEL—School of Hotel Administration student Michael Lowett ‘18 took over this week’s Establishment dinner with an experimental and unorthodox meal solely comprised of small geometric patterns. Lowett described his menu as “a piece that captures the duality of life and religion,” but when customers showed up for the event, almost no food was served….
NEWPORT, RI—Sophomore Brian Dennings ‘22 displayed an exceptionally high amount of misplaced self-confidence in his ability to make authentic dumplings, simply because his “girlfriend is Chinese.” “How hard could it actually be?” Dennings asked. “My girlfriend makes dumplings for her family all the time, and just because her mom taught her how to cook them…
CALDWELL HALL—Following the announcement that yesterday’s graduate students’ union vote was inconclusive, allegedly due to dozens of unresolved ballots, Senior Vice Provost and Dean of the Graduate School Barbara Knuth was reportedly seen today stuffing hundreds of confirmed “yes” ballots into her pockets. “Let’s see those grad students try to unionize now!” murmured Knuth, cracking…
