After evaluating the many lucrative opportunities available to AEM majors, Dyson School freshman Jessica Stern decided it was time to let Goldman Sachs know she was ready to intern over the summer at the Wall Street conglomerate. While Goldman has a strict policy against allowing inexperienced freshmen to intern for them, Jessica believes the skills…
LYNAH RINK- The men’s hockey team was defeated by Union College Saturday evening in a game that was tightly contested for all three periods. “Our boys fought hard out there,” said Coach Mike Schafer of the game in which his team allowed their opponent to score only once, a touchdown for seven points, on defense….
STEWART AVE—With the return of generations of Cornell alumni to Ithaca this coming weekend, the roads of Collegetown eagerly anticipate the opportunity to bump, scratch, and totally annihilate vehicles of all shapes and sizes. Particularly excited and primely located is the historic brick road portion of Stewart Avenue. Decades behind in much needed repairs and…
ITHACA- A recent analysis of the Gettysburg Address – currently being held in Cornell’s Rare Manuscripts Collection – has revealed new and insightful evidence regarding the document’s origins. In reviewing the text, PhD candidates Derek Riley and Emily Yang found several revisions and notes written in the document’s margins. Speaking with Nooz, Yang explained “the…
COLLEGETOWN—At a Chi Alpha Tau party on College Avenue this Saturday night, sophomore Jordan Felane raised concerns by pairing his impressively detailed cat costume with a disconcerting enthusiasm for the canonical lore of Erin Hunter’s seminal cat-war novel series Warriors. “I wouldn’t expect Twolegs to understand, but you might have a chance,” Felane explained to…
WHITE HALL—Facing backlash for inviting conservative pundit Ben Shapiro to campus, the Cornell Republicans have endeavored to set the record straight. Club President Justin Miller ‘26 explained this decision in a recent statement, writing: “Mark Robinson was busy.” Ryan’s full statement intended to shed some light on the situation: “We understand some of the concern…
CENTRAL CAMPUS–An ordinary Monday morning lecture experienced an extremely welcome interruption when a once-considered eradicated disease reappeared right in Kennedy Hall. Harry Swanson ’27 (god willing) was spotted sporting a feverish glow as well as dozens of blood-and-puss-filled scabs blanketing every inch of his body. “COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH HACK HACK HACK HACK,” said Swanson,…
From the desk of the Registrar It’s almost that time of year again, isn’t it? Time for students to go on Spring Break and see all their friends from high school. Well, you see, I didn’t have friends in high school. I had nobody back home, and you know what? If I couldn’t see my…
STOCKING HALL— Earlier this week, Food Science Professor Rick Touche was lauded for finally nailing down the definition of the word “savory.” This breakthrough was met with relief from billions of food eaters across the globe who have long struggled to explain what they’re tasting. “His definition is ingenious: broad, but not too broad. Specific,…
NORTH CAMPUS – A somber mood has struck the Cornell campus today as student IknowagirlJanet Whosthebestlittleontheplanet has been reported as missing. Local authorities have been asking members of the surrounding community if they’ve seen Ms. Whosthebestlittleontheplanet, who was last seen on Facebook two days ago but has never been seen in person. Based on her…
