WASHINGTON D.C.—The actions of the Trump administration have left many federal workers confused and anxious about their futures. With previously indispensable positions being eliminated left and right, even those in seemingly stable fields have started to worry. For the first time, Andy Galeano of the Department of Job Stability and Secure Income has started to…
RICHMOND, VA—In a devastating blow to the egos of students who watch Big Bang Theory, Alicia Iturbide ‘22, the sole female student in CS 4200, has denied her fourth invitation to play Dungeons and Dragons this week. “Turning Carl down was kind of a no-brainer, to be honest,” Iturbide said of Carl Werther ‘21, the…
APPEL DINING ROOM– An internal University memo detailing controversial changes within the food troughs affectionately deemed “dining halls” surfaced this Monday. Most notably, Dining staff are now being recommended to serve “morsels” of food rather than the previously established “smidgens”. The announcement came as a shock to student dining workers who have recently mastered the…
BARNES HALL – Senior Simone Sedgwick is supposedly super stoked about her looming prospects of post-graduation indentured servitude. “My current loan balance is 20% more than the annual salary of a nation’s leading neurosurgeons,” explained Sedgwick while playfully tearing out her hair. “The current cost of living combined with the astoundingly meager job prospects predict…
RAND HALL—After her third all-nighter this week and upon learning that her major lost to Chemical Engineering in the Major Cornell Major Tournament, Sharon Yang, Architecture ‘20, let out a primal scream, impulsively grabbed the nearest pair of scissors, and cut off her right braid. “Dragon dragon dragon! Oy oy OY!” Yang shouted to no…
MALOTT HALL—During the first class period Monday, Professor Robert Tolkan informed MATH 2940 students that he will not warn them before discussing any mathematical concept covered in the course. “Consider this your trigger warning,” said Tolkan as he strutted up and down the aisles of the lecture hall, attempting to look at each student in…
Ithaca, NY — In an unexpected decision, for the first time ever, the Freemasons will be recruiting members at Cornell’s club fest this fall! The centuries-old secret society says it hopes to provide a fun, safe atmosphere for discussions related to history, philosophy and religion. “Those of able body and mind, we ask of thee….do…
DICKSON HALL — A month into fall semester, the Worst Student of the Class of 2020 has officially been announced as James Romm, selected from over over 3200 students of this year’s freshmen. “We are pleased to reveal that, after locking himself out of his dorm room twice in one week, James Romm is now…
What do you mean? Stalking your crush through your club’s Instagram account is normal and healthy. Love requires sacrifice. That’s why, when I initially needed to find his Instagram, I went through the club account’s followers until I found the person I saw him eating with once through my binoculars. From there, it was pretty…
