ITHACA- A recent analysis of the Gettysburg Address – currently being held in Cornell’s Rare Manuscripts Collection – has revealed new and insightful evidence regarding the document’s origins. In reviewing the text, PhD candidates Derek Riley and Emily Yang found several revisions and notes written in the document’s margins. Speaking with Nooz, Yang explained “the…
Kenneth Post Greenhouse — In response to inquiries of a suspicious rotting smell that was emanating from one of Cornell’s many greenhouses last week, Cornell botanists have said that was definitely caused the corpse plant and not anything nefarious or illegal. “Haha, what? Why are you even asking?” Plant Biology professor Melinda Luckow asked with…
From the desk of the Registrar It’s almost that time of year again, isn’t it? Time for students to go on Spring Break and see all their friends from high school. Well, you see, I didn’t have friends in high school. I had nobody back home, and you know what? If I couldn’t see my…
Chaos erupted in McGraw hall on Monday morning following an offhand comment made by Professor James Prew, in which he mentioned that he recently endured a difficult split that left him fractured. Among Prew’s most enthusiastic students was author of a fan fiction entitled “Prew Me Harder Daddy,” Stacey Sinclair ’25. “I did the math…
Yesterday, CU Nooz reported that the German Languages department was seeking to take over the Polish department’s office space despite rampant protest from the English dept. Although the German Language department successfully occupied Polish Dept. space, they were soon rebuffed from entering Russian dept. space due to “lack of proper heating.” German Language dept. chair…
As the new semester begins, so too does the never-ending plight of the workers, according to a few Cornell students. Leon Truman ’17, and his classmates in “Marxism: Then and Now” have decided that the sins of capitalism are theirs to overturn. “The capitalist presence here is really out of control,” said Truman, sporting a…
RUSSELL SENATE OFFICE BUILDING—Following Sonia Sotomayor’s absence from the Supreme Court to speak at Cornell, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has been frantically attempting to push through a new judicial confirmation before the Associate Justice returns on Friday. “The American people elected this President and this Congress to appoint conservatives to every Supreme Court vacancy,…
ITHACA- Hillel’s RPCC Super Seder mostly went off Monday mostly without a hitch. However, reports are surfacing today that one of the afikomen, a piece of matzah set aside to be eaten after the meal, hidden at the seder still cannot be found. According to multiple sources, leader of seder table #3, Sarah Fried, disappeared for “quite some…
MORRISON DINING – In a shocking turn of events, Morrison Dining, renowned for its 30-minute wait times and fishtank-like appearance, has found itself in dire financial straits after reportedly squandering half of its annual budget on industrial-grade Windex. “These windows are the most earth-shattering financial drain I’ve seen in my entire career,” lamented Morrison financial…
OLIN LIBRARY—I’ll say it. I am sick and tired of these so-called STEM majors complaining about their fucking “prelims”, “research,” and the “general horror that is being pre-med.” Quite frankly, if “studying for the MCAT” were so important, you wouldn’t be interrupting my (very much needed) afternoon public Poptropica session. As I was sitting on…
