PHILLIPS HALL—As artificial intelligence advances at breakneck pace, the race to create a truly sentient digital being, capable of thinking, working, and irreversibly blurring the line between man and machine, has rapidly approached its conclusion. Surprising everyone, a group of Cornell engineers has managed to create the first fully sentient automaton, which they call Robot…
A few days ago, I got an email saying that COVID testing was about to get “more strict”. That there would be “severe consequences” for people who missed their tests. But hey, I accidentally slept through my 3 PM testing slot after 7 straight months of a nocturnal sleeping schedule, which I thought qualified as…
WEST CAMPUS– In a move that will be celebrated by seven-year-olds everywhere, Cornell Dining has made an exciting new addition to the regular menu on West Campus- Chicken Fingers! Citing the mounting requests from students to diversify the menu, as well as complaints about the food being “too spicy” and “completely inedible”, the dining staff…
Gannett Health Services issued an urgent reminder Wednesday that the Student Health Insurance does not cover broken dreams. “I thought Pre-Med would be a good idea,” complained AEM major Daphne Crawford ’15. “I told my parents not to worry that I only had a 2.3 GPA and that the student health plan would cover any…
URIS—Amidst the hubbub of the evening exodus from campus libraries as students wrapped up their studying for the night, one student remained trapped in a purgatory of his own making: his print job was less than 30 percent of the way done. As the vile machine cranked out inch by agonizing inch, Johnny Keagan ’26…
By a member of the Class of 2017 Ah, to be back at my good ol’ alma mater, the beautiful campus on the hill, far above Cayuga’s waters. Oh what fond memories I have of this place! I must say, though, this campus is really not what it used to be five months ago. Look…
DAY HALL—The Cornell administration released sweeping new restrictions on Greek life featuring a rule that bans hazing inside of residential chapter houses, but would probably let that stuff slide in annexes. “I understand that there is a deep and storied history of new member education in Greek houses, but this rule is an important step…
ARTS QUAD – Members of the Cornell community breathed a collective sigh of relief as the varsity football team lost its third straight game, to Brown, following a 3-0 start to the season. “It was tense there for a while, especially after that third win,” said Jake Gordon ’19, “but I knew the team would…
WHITE HALL—Facing backlash for inviting conservative pundit Ben Shapiro to campus, the Cornell Republicans have endeavored to set the record straight. Club President Justin Miller ‘26 explained this decision in a recent statement, writing: “Mark Robinson was busy.” Ryan’s full statement intended to shed some light on the situation: “We understand some of the concern…
ITHACA- The Cornell University Career Services office reported Wednesday that as of 12:51 p.m., all undergraduate freshmen, sophomores, and juniors except you had accepted offers for internships for the upcoming summer. “We are so proud of almost all of our students this year. They have put a tremendous amount of effort into their job searches…
