DAY HALL—In response to student strikes over Cornell’s continued investment in fossil fuel companies, the Board of Trustees released a statement Friday morning affirming that the returns on such investments are necessary for Cornell to continue educating the final generation to exist before the global climate crisis results in a total extinction of the human…
LAKE PLACID, NY – Despite a rough three periods so far for the Cornell Men’s Hockey team in tonight’s ECAC Hockey Final against Harvard, some students have remained optimistic of a victorious outcome, as the Big Red are only down by three goals entering the fourth quarter. “Three points may seem like a lot, but…
After three months of his internship at General Motors, Stuart Reed ‘18 is prepared to introduce his newly acquired coffee-fetching skills into the world of academia. “The real-world experiences I’ve gathered at GM will really contribute to my education, ” said Reed confidently. “As a marketing intern, I’ve grown accustomed to quick critical thinking, like…
DONLON HALL — The entirety of Cornell University experienced a power outage earlier this afternoon, a campus-wide problem that has now been attributed to freshman Johnny Ribb ’19 using a spider lamp in his Donlon single dorm room. “See? I told you! I told you spider lamps were dangerous!” announced Donlon third floor RA Ryan…
BARTON HALL—Following last week’s protests at Cornell’s annual campus-wide career fair, the administration has taken swift action to appease the student body: The invitation list at the rescheduled event has been amended to include only the friendly, wholesome defense contractors. Despite the disruption, students are still looking forward to the event. “I’m excited to talk…
RAND HALL—After two years of covering the broken window in Rand Hall with a tarp, Cornell AAP recently announced their plan to patch the hole with a fine arts library. “We thought the best solution to the constant airflow seeping through the building’s tarp would be to build a cutting edge fine arts library,” said…
Like many other seniors this year, I too have taken part in the job safari, but unlike others I have caught the elusive career lion. Yes, I have become the champion of the hunt, and I will thusly begin my life in New York City with the rest of the Cornellian pack at one of…
In the wake of a recent mishap, Introduction to Wines has been cancelled until further notice. This move follows an incident from last Wednesday’s lecture, in which a disgruntled and inebriated student urinated on Professor Grabenstein’s leg after learning that he failed an exam. The student, whose name has yet to be released, is currently being…
ARTS QUAD—Throughout Upstate New York, arctic blast weather patterns have produced extreme outdoor conditions, subzero windchills, and heavy winter precipitation. The dangerously low temperatures have forced students across campus to deploy advanced protective gear: trendy little multicolored scarves. “On one hand, the Real Feel is -30 degrees,” reasoned Eileen Martin ‘28. “On the other, I…
NORTH CAMPUS – Many long-held prayers were finally answered as students were met with dryers that did about as much drying as throwing a towel in the Pacific Ocean upon entering the laundry room to do their first batch of laundry for the semester. “I’m glad the university is finally taking steps towards the things…
